I just have not been able to make myself do anything, but read my email from Beliefnet and the very few friends that still converse with me. I am so dammed depressed and wish I could be as strong a, Therese from Beyond Blue. The pain in my back has worsened the numbness in my leg has begun to be more numb then not .. Kind of like my brain sometimes. Now add to it a right forearm and hand that has begun to tingle and periodically become numb, I cannot extend my hand or wrist and after 3 nerve studies a MRI to rule out a brain tumor the doctor says you are a mystery… really? I ask, I could have told him that. Oh, one more thing to add, I have a protruding disc in my c-spine that is hurting so bad the past three days I cannot sit still, that goes with the torn rotator cuff of the left shoulder.. All from walking in my sleep and falling in the kitchen. It appears the doc’s are more fascinated by a 45 year old women that sleep walks then the injury itself.. or injuries.

I know I am babbling, today is one of those days that I feel like I cannot do this anymore. Do what, you may ask? Heck lets start with depressed. I am so tired of not waking up with at least some hope.. Hope of anything. I want so badly to wake up one morning feeling somewhat happy maybe at least content. But first you have to be able to sleep. I have not slept an entire 8-hour nite since the day of the accident, September 23, 2002. I sleep 2 hours if I am lucky 3 and the pain wakes me or the fact I am wetting the bed and cannot move because my right leg has gone completely numb.

Let’s see, I feel like I cannot take any more pain. But what right do I have to say that, no one wants to be in pain, right? Why should I be able to turn it off when I do not want it, when others have to suffer? Physical pain starting in my back, the site of 11 back surgery’s that I would have to say 9 failed. Then there is the on and off sciatica when my leg is not numb. The new pain from my sleep walking incident, shoulder, the neck as I write this is passing searing pain down my right arm, the elbow pain and numbness of my hand that does not want to work. Ah, but there is also the emotional pain.

Does anyone else hurt, I mean really hurt as they discover just how lonely they are? I mean if I were to choose to end this miserable life, which I am not, I can think of only one person I could call that would probably have me committed, so I wouldn’t call her anyway, and being the really cool person she is, I’d probably get her voicemail, only because her and her significant other cherish their time alone. But still she’d be the one I’d call, Jane, my angel who saved me so many times.

So what am I doing to help any of this? Well, I am back online checking out the site looking to see if I can help with anyone from all I have been thru, yes there is more, Jane keeps telling me to write a book. And then I am also looking for guidance, help, advice, whatever the name might be.. A glimmer of hope maybe, so many souls have so much to offer through their pain and suffering.

So now that my hand won’t work so much now I need to stop this immature babbling and just look and read and pray and hope and go on….. Right?

Officially it is 3:30 a.m., Monday October 5, 2009, but my mind remains in Sunday October 4, 2009. I turned 45 Sunday. For months leading to this day I have pondered "how could I have gotten so old and broken"? I have been told once or twice I live in the past, and yes I am/ was pondering all the years prior of wonderful love, terrible breakup's, my many years of being a paramedic - the job I always wanted to do and loved as much as life itself. My family (what's the saying, "you can pick your friends but not your family"?), my Mother who died when I was 18 the and best friend I ever had and respected, my pets, my church, the despair of my current loneliness and depression. The overwhelming physical pain I suffer from the 11 + back surgery's I have had since that fateful day on September 23, 2002, when the lady driving behind us decided to look in the backseat at her child instead of our brake lights. So where do I go from here?

My life has been at times all that I ever wanted it to be and at other times less then I ever imagined. Looking way back I guess I had it easy. My childhood was full of tree climbing, creek swimming, big hill sledding, cool dreams, loving parents who provided more then they should have at their expense, only soured by my sister with her "middle child syndrome" ,(of course I am the spoiled baby of the family), and the "dirty old man" who lived next door and took advantage of my innocence for over 8 years,sexually molesting me.

I excelled in school, from high school then college, realizing then I was very different from my older siblings who hated school and restrictions placed on their "social lives". Instead of doing what seemed to be the expectations of the long list of relatives and generation values, I pursued freedom. Dating only once seriously, once again what I thought I was supposed to do. I moved around with friends leading me from the childhood area I grew up in Maryland to Washington D.C., to Pennsylvania where I now live. All the while building upon my career finally obtaining the degree I wanted in paramedical studies and working my childhood dream. Still single I worked and worked, weekends and holidays much to the dismay of my family. Choosing to live miles away I saved my money not to buy a house, but to buy a reliable vehicle so I did not have to worry about breaking down in the "boone docks" and traveling & vacationing within my means which usually meant camping enjoying peace in God's outdoors beautiful home.

Okay, so that is the short version and the fateful day of my birth has past. Ironically I was sick the entire day. Severe debilitating pain has begun to overwhelm my broken body, seemingly worse the day before each new day arrives. My heart stills feels shattered, even after the 8 years that have past since the day I heard "I don't love you anymore" the door slammed and love was gone, it feels like forever. The accident which left me permanently disabled, ending my career as quickly as the love I had lost. I am told I can never work again, expect severe pain forever with the promising prospect of being in a wheelchair sooner rather the then later.

So where do I go from here? I have tried so hard to remain in contact with the distant 2 or 3 friends I worked with (out of the dozen or so that said you are the best friend I ever had), and building upon the friendships I have formed at my church. Even though my circle of friends of my "church family" are very special, all are mostly sixty years old married with children, grand children and great grand children. These folks are not the type you can say " Hey want to go get a beer and shoot some pool?" Internet dating and friend finding prove to be to expensive for my small stipend of Social Security Disability monthly paycheck besides the matches are not as accurate as advertised.

So at 45, my physical body feels broken due to trauma and chronic illness and disease, my chronically depressed mind that takes me close to that deep hole of despair, my heart that still feels as shattered and as real as it did years ago and the loneliness that has envelopes me. I have no idea how to fight the feeling like there is nothing to look forward to in days to come.

My physical limitations are not a cop out or pity seeking, but real, affecting my daily living. The depression that worsens loneliness or visa versa causes everyday disruption of family relationships. Chronic pain has labeled me as a "druggie" to my family and some medical staff I encounter for my other ailments. Of course my financial situation is no different then most of the nation, making living paycheck to paycheck an awful burden. So where do I go from here?

Okay, now that I have written more then I wanted to, hoping no one thinks I am feeling sorry for myself, but hoping someone out there understands where I am in life, NOT seeking pity or sympathy. As the sun rises today and I pray to God for strength to make it through another day He has so graciously given me. Maybe, just maybe I'll find a way to help another in a similar situation today and I will find the ability to figure out where do I go from here .......

Fall, my most favorite time of year. Yet this year is different. I have been physically ill since January, it seems like everyday posed another health issue. The Spring was lost spent in the hospital, the Summer gone by trying to physically recover, but becoming more depressed.

Now, I am at a cross road and have taken the first few steps and regret it already. If I were to pick just one health issue that over rides any other in my life it would be physical pain. How could I have ever imagined pain could hurt so bad? My career as a paramedic led me to so many lives touched by some degree of pain. I tried my best to help, the resposibility of the words PARAMEDIC on the patch, upon my right sleeve I took very seriously.

And now, I am the one in pain. It took only moments for the accident to occur, 3 years of surgery, therapy and other care. Now as the 7th year anniversary of the September 23rd auto accident passes, the pain from the 11 surgery's is becoming more fierce daily. As I write this the pain has taken over, so for tonight the keyboard will go silent while I go lay in quite, no peace, but prayer.......

Independence Day 2009 ......

Independence, being free to make choices, ability to stand on your beliefs, Independence, something I have very little of.

September 23, 2002 on the way to see a neurosurgeon about a bulging disc in my lower back, someone rear ended a friend and I. That was the last shift I worked after 25 years of being a Paramedic. I had worked overnight from 6 p.m. Sunday night until 6 a.m. that Monday morning. Recently had been promoted to assistant manager. My life looked up after suffering 7 years of severe depression, recovering from a horrible break up and financial disaster.

At the moment of impact the disc herniated, from that moment on until 2005 I required 11 back surgery's, leaving me 100% permanently disabled, including a permanent lifting ability  of 25 pounds. ( heck our med bag and EKG monitor each weighed 25 pounds!)

I moved into my own double wide mobile home, a nice place I can have my pets, in the "boon docks", 2 counties away from where I lived for 18 years. Co-workers left behind, all of whom said they were my friends, yet none communicate with me now. I thought I could do it, take care of myself, the dog & cat, mow the lawn, clean the house. Within a year, I could tell that life had other plans. The best thing I ever did living here was to become a Christian and joined a wonderful little country church.

However, as the years have passed since that day a women was not watching the road, my independence has been dwindling. I have fought hard to keep it, continually hurting, now labeled a "chronic pain patient", a label I despise.

Independence, it is leaving me. I lost my car when a family member borrowed it and was involved in an accident, totaling it, leaving me with payments to make on a vehicle that no longer existed. Independence lost. To wash dishes, vacuum, and trying to maintain a pool which, was one reason I bought the home ( it is the best physical therapy for back injuries), I am unable to do without a increase of already severe pain. Independence lost. Financial destruction urges me to allow family members to move in a "win - win situation" money wise ... more Independence lost.

As I woke up this morning, took a walk outside to let Calypso & Sara Jane my pup dogs, I watch my own American flag flap in the wind. Saying a quiet prayer for ALL those whom fought and are still fighting for our freedom, our Independence, I selfishly wondered if anyone cares about me and my Independence or lack there of.

This past year has been particularly bad, as the pain increases, causing cries of pain, days spent in bed, just because I planted a few flowers in my flower bed. My pain management doctor days there is not much more can be done to control the pain, as I already am on a high dose of a narcotic. The other medications I have become tolerant to. Independance lost.

A new doctor to get his opinion, can anything be done to improve my condition or at least something to keep me at this already dark, lonely, painful place. No, " I am sorry nothing else can be done". Independance lost, my abilities to do have decreased drastically.

How can I find any independence in myself, when I now care for my aging father who lives with me. He has battled heart disease, survived heart bypass surgery, a full body infection that nearly killed him, liver cancer 3 years ago which he was given 6 months to live. Now he has a low back herniated disc, severe arthritis and both of us remain depressed. Yet he remains failrly independant, working around my house and taking care of me more then I do him, but I know he misses his independence of owning his own home, alone.

Thank God, our country can celebrate Independence Day, every day. How can I celebrate my own Independence when I have very little, am extremely lonely, becoming more depressed and overwhelmed with life?

Does anyone out there feel the same way, do you feel left out of life as I do, feeling there is no future but pain and dependence on others? If so, you are in my prayers as is Our United States of America, knowing there are those fighting for the nation, but wonder who may be fighting for me?

Please God, help me to gain some independence back, so I may have something to look forward to, not just dark, physically & mentaly surffering and oh so alone.

God Bless the USA!