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    Here I Am......

    Friday, July 10, 2009, 3:14 PM [General]

    Here I am.... I find myself drifting in the endless sea of life.  Looking for support, understanding, and guidance.  What I don't want is judgement or sympathy.  I find myself in an usual that I thought that I would never find myself in.  I met my husband when I was 15, that was 19 years ago.  Couple kids later, trials like any other couple, health issues, financial issues....the list compiles.  My husband is unable to work due to his chronic comiling list of health I am left to cover for everything.  My job only covered the extras of life and in no way can cover the needs of our household.  I work 2 jobs, go to school, make sure my kids are taken care of and get them to their needed destinations.  I have enabled my husband for far to long. He is very dependant on me....for everything. I am tired. Tired in so many aspects.

    I have a hard time talking to my husband.  I always have.  With his medical problems and the medications he takes, it makes it even harder.  I am struggling to stay afloat..mentally, spiritually, and am physically exhausted.

    To make my situation even more complicated, I have connected with a past friend.  We ran into each other in December 08 at our children's school function. We met each others spouses and chatted for a bit.  What started out as a great friendship connection has since flurished.  We chatted for quiet sometime.  The more we chatted the more we realized we had so many thigs in common.  We discuss our relationships with each other, or day, funny little quirks we have....and have genuine conversations.  We ahve discussed having our "someday" together but know that now would make things very complicated. We have emotionally connected.  The connection that I feel for him is much stronger thatn I have ever felt with my spouse.  Even in the beginning it wasn't that strong.  I find myself having something to look forward to.  Whether it be an email, phone call, text, or our variety of places we have found to meet.  I know this is an excape from the reality in which I started as seeking friendship and support.  I never imagined in a million years I could be drawn to someone so intensly outside of my marriage. It goes against everything I have ever believed and stood for.

    My friend and I have a great relationship. We discuss our situation and where we are headed. We both have an immense attraction and connection mentally and physically.  We have not taken it past the kissing.... which was something we planned never to start. We talked about it, discussed it and made a conscious decision NOT to get physical at this time in our lives. To much hurt would ensue.  We broke that barrier with our first kiss.  The attraction and desire is so strong.  We know what we should do, but our hearts will not let us part.  We have decided not to see each other to our other relationships.  Many tears and heartache insue....and one of us always gets back in touch with the other.  It ususally doesn't take long. 

    I know this is a selfish act that I am choosing to do. My friend makes me complete, offers me support, is a friend to me, is a listening ear.  He has rekindled my spirit and made me genuinely happy again.  I can smile again.  I can live again. For now.

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