No Lent. I had even chosen what to give up and everything, but then I wimped out. I didn't pray over it or make a promise, just decided on a whim: hey i'll give up tv. So at least I didn't desecrate a covenant or something. Ah well.

I am puzzled, just perfectly puzzled about big things in my life right now. My brain hurts.

 

"asleep in Christ" 

dreams are like death and in pieces they come

unveiling a glimpse of dimensions unknown

peace overflowing in tearfall and warmth

curled up in a flower, protected and loved

written by: me

Jesus. It is amazing how one being can indescribably affect the universe. God. Human. Immortal, all-loving, peace.
For a while now it's been a goal of mine to find a church I believe I can learn from and benefit from. It hasn't been easy. I have visited enough in my lifetime to know which ones I don't care to revisit. Then there are those that capture me, but I can't find the motivation to attend. I can't help but feel the flaw is only in myself.
For a while now I have lived in fear. It's sad. Fear of judgment. Fear of failure. Fear of death. These things don't dominate the forefront of my mind, but they simmer on the back burner like putrid liquid potpourri, permeating my spirit and filling me with toxins.
I can't believe that God is a God who would send spirits into a permanent hell for impermanent actions. Even the most vile, evil, depraved people must be saved or Christ came for nothing. Jesus loves all peoples and all nations. He wouldn't only come for a few, and He wouldn't only come for Christians. That is putting a limit on Jesus. Very little of what I know of organized religion makes sense. Very little!
He only gave us one commandment- Love one another as you have loved me. So simple, yet we complicate it tremendously.

...why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks- can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything of one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine - Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to you with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united  you would feel the pain of it as little as I... We shall surely see each other soon, moreover today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life. If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah- there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - cheer up - remain true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be...

Wherever I am, there you are also. Much as you love me, I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me...Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?

Though still in  bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now adn then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes I am resigned to wander so long away from you until I can fly into your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped to you in the land of spirits - Yes unhappily it must be so. No one else can ever posses my heart - never -  never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one loves. Your love makes me at once the happiest and unhappiest of men. Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - my life -  my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine
Ever mine
Ever ours

That's right, I'm giving up TV for Lent. Wow. It's not going to be easy. I thought about how much I watch on the weekends and during the evenings, and these hours are hours I could spend doing much better things- better than sitting on the couch, snacking and laughing at Monica and Phoebe. I want to accumulate books and read them all! I want there to be fantastic stories and memories of story tidbits in my mind at all times.

I'm thinking about going to school. It may not even be happening this year, but I'm considering it. English major with a concentration in creative writing. I don't have a lot of stories in my resume, but I keep a real diary, this journal, and another journal on Blogger.com. Plus with all the tv-watching that won't be happening, I will have time to write more.

The main show I will miss is LA Ink. I'll miss you, Kat Von D! I hardly knew ye.

Just watched LA Ink! Love that show. I want another tat, man. I've wanted one for a while. There are several things I'd like to get. One is for my left ankle/foot, something swirly and long, like a curvy vine with a few words. Don't know what words yet... and then there is a painting I have always loved, of a woman with a starry crown in the night sky. I love renaissance art, it is impeccable and perfection in my eyes. I believe the title is Nocht? And of course the opposiong picture of day, another beautiful woman watching the dawn, with a crown of flowers. Don't know where I would get those, maybe on my back. Or my ribs. I think tattoos are beginning to become more accepted as artwork and not just something sailors get to try to look badass. My grandad had a gray/green one on his arm and I never could figure out what the heck it was. It was a weird, smushed blur. to come from that to NOW... is just amazing. I have a lot of respect for that art form!

I am going to rededicate myself to honing my artistry. I do a few things creatively- collaging, which I just do by sortof choosing a thought pattern, going with it, and I file through magazines and cut out words and images that go with that thought pattern. It's hard to describe so I'm sure I'm not doing it justice with my explanation. But it's cool to feel that kind of energy flow through you. Also I write! I've kept a journal and written little short stories since I was about 7. I branched out into poetry when I was around 12 and I still really enjoy doing that, but I've let it fall to the wayside lately. I would love to learn to draw, and I'm trying to teach myself that, too. I bought a book, drawing paper and pencils and so far the best thing I've drawn is a Southwestern desert mountain vista and (a la John Ford westerns) landscape, copied from the book I'm learning from. Maybe I'll get really good, and even learn tattooing and go work with Kat Von D!  Ha I doubt it. Kat Von D is amazing, though, and an inspiration to me. One day I will get a tattoo done by her. She is a remarkable woman. Aaaaand, of course, the most overlooked art form, in my opinion- culinary art! I cook. I am a great cook, if I do say so myself. I did go to cooking school, but still I cook from the heart, and that's the main thing. You don't have to go to school to be a great cook- it's the love that counts! I do admit I need to hone my cake decorating skills because they're a bit sloppy. Still, it's so much fun and my personal favorite artistic outlet.

I was reading some articles in a relationship column online, and a reader  submitted a question about her situation so she could get advice from the columnist. What the columnist said struck a nerve. The reader's problem was that with every relationship she's had, she would worry it to death and pick it apart until she would start to push the person away. All the reader would dwell on were reasons why the relationship should not work out. She admitted she would sabotage her relationships and wanted to know why so she could stop. Here I identified with the reader- I didn't yet have a name for what I was doing with my nitpicking and anger, but now I do. The columnist's reply is something I'll never forget. She said that the reason most people sabotage their relationships is because deep down, they don't believe they deserve love or happiness in their lives. BAM. Holy -...wow! Is this what I've been doing? I think the answer is 'yes'. This explains why I've been pushing away my very significant other,  and doling out an overly-harsh "punishment" for,  in a new perspective,  the smallest of infractions. I blew everything so far out of proportion... it was stupid. And ever since I realized that, things have been going so much better! Better because I let it just be. And it be's good.

Aw, crap. I've been feeling sorry for myself lately. How did I get stuck here? I don't know. I don't even know how long it's been going on...but now it's ticking me off. How do you know when to be righteously angry? Is there any such thing? Because if you get angry at someone for making a mistake, that doesn't seem justified because you yourself have made plenty. If someone isn't putting the kind of effort into a relationship that you'd like them to, what can you do? You can't get angry, because there is probably something somewhere you're doing that's just as wrong. Yet anger is the first thing I jump to. Like I'm waiting for him to get me mad so I can fly off the handle. What the hell? I love him, why do I want him to get me mad? I need some counseling.

If you can spare a five second prayer- "Lord, strengthen Kacey" I'd really appreciate it. I'm feeling attacked. I was on another board on another site asking for marriage related advice, and throughout the thread a woman has been following my posts and putting down everything I try to explain or ask about- in CAPS LOCK to emphasize her apparent all-knowingness. So irritating. I don't know why, and I can't imagine what I could have done to offend her. Having taken offense to something is the only reason I can think of to speak that way toward someone you don't even know. To be specific, she indicated that she thought I was whiny, immature and apparently stupid. I don't know why it's getting to me, what a stranger thinks. Maybe what I really need is prayer for my sense of self if I get rattled over what a stranger thinks. Either way I would greatly appreciate a prayer. Bless you if you've read this far!