I tried praying again. After what I experienced (see "Crazy Experience"), I decided that it was important to try again and possibly delve deeper. Maybe it is all in my head, but something tells me that it is something more.

I was basically asking God (or whoever it was) to talk to me again and confirm that what happened to me was real. I got no blatantly obvious answers like I did last time. I was about to just give up on it when I suddenly "felt" something. I think it may have been the same God or being that I had spoken to. He didn't say anything that I could quote, but it was like He was telling me, "Yes, I'm here. No, I'm not ignoring you." Surprisingly, I was satisfied with that.

I came to a realization: I have always wanted to govern my own life and more or less be my own boss. I'm very independent. I realized that it might not always be a good thing. I also realized that it would be a huge challenge for me to loosen my grip and let something else guide me.

Get this: I used to picture people who just "handed the load over to God" as taking the lazy way out. To me, it seemed like a way to not deal with their own problems. Now, I am seeing that it isn't like that at all. If I were to "hand the load over to God," it would probably be very difficult for me to let go of.

Here's to those of you with the strength to trust, obey, serve, and have faith in whatever/whoever your "god" is.

Haha. If you read my other journal entries and compare them to this one, you probably think I have multiple-personality disorder. I'm serious here. Not joking, and not making this up. It was really trippy.

I have tried prayer before. I always ended up feeling frustrated and I felt like I was just talking to the wall. I posted a thread about it, which got many great replies. I also spoke to some people about it. I tried to take the advice.

Either I'm just psyching myself out, or I am actually getting some feedback. I'm not sure it was God. Maybe it was just my own thoughts coming back to me, but it really did seem amazing. I laid it all out on the table. I told whoever it was in charge that I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to know why things are the way they are, and I wanted to know who or what this higher power was. I said, "God, whoever you are, I'm here again." And I said some things that were probably not too nice. I didn't literally hear a voice speaking to me, but I sensed words directed towards me. Here's the conversation:

God(?): "You know, if you keep arguing with me about where we're going, you're gonna get distracted and not see the road sign. You're gonna miss your exit and not end up at your intended destination."

Me: "What, do you wanna drive?" -- (this said rather caustically).

God(?): "Yeah."

It was crazy. Even when I thought I had faith, I've never heard Him speak to me. I am still skeptical, don't get me wrong, but I'm definitely going to try to pray more often. I was just completely dumbfounded.

Oh, and it gets even better. I had this final exam for Economics. I really had to do well, and I felt unprepared. After my previous conversation, I was thinking, "Well, wouldn't it be cool if God helped me out?" I didn't expect anything. When I was Christian, I always got on my own nerves when I would pray just to ask for stuff. I should have studied harder; not ask God to help me out. I figured I was just going to fail. But when the test was about to start, the professor announced that it was to be an open-note exam. It was like God was saying, "Aha! There you go." I even said out loud, "Oh you show-off." But I was grateful.

It could have been coincidence. It could have all been psychological. It could have been a genuine response to my prayer. I am hoping it was the latter.

Normally, I would say that I believe in a god. You know, just someone who has things under control, even if I don't know who that is. But lately, I've been having my doubts about the existence of a god altogether. I was just thinking that if the world was under the control of a perfect god, then the world would be a little less chaotic. I'm starting to think that the world controls itself.

Don't get me wrong; I believe that there is some kind of power beyond what we can physically study. I still believe that we have a purpose in life. I'm just starting to think that maybe our purpose isn't to please some god. Maybe our purpose serves the world.

I think that there is something divine in people. It goes against what I've been taught. We're "only human." Maybe that's a great thing to be, if we can strive to be the best that we can be. I believe that there is something divine about the way we can feel. We're different from the animals; our languages, our emotions, our wars, and our religions are all things that separate us from other beings on this earth. And yet, we're still not pleased with ourselves. We're still "only human." I don't know a single dog that's not happy to be "only canine."

I feel that there has to be something there, even if it's not necessarily a god.

I was talking to a couple of Christian friends of mine, and they mentioned that God keeps them doing the right thing. They believe that without faith in God, life would be pointless and amoral.

This got me thinking about my life. I don't really have faith in God, and I believe that I am a very moral person. I know that there are many non-religious people who have good morals. What exactly does religion have to do with morals?

I have to wonder if maybe the concepts of Heaven and Hell were made up just to get people to live right. Maybe the same goes for Karma. Maybe we just need to think that there will be a reward in the end for living a moral life. What if there's not? What if here and now is all we have, and we just need to make the most of it?

Whoever reads this, ask yourself: If you knew that there was no end reward, would you live your life any differently?

I think that I would want to live as well as I could. With no afterlife, I'd want to make this life worth living. I really hope for some kind of afterlife. One lifetime is not long enough to figure everything out.

I had a guy tell me that I'm going to hell the other day. It was funny. He actually managed to sugar-coat it. He's Christian, just like everyone else in this town, and he believes that non-Christians all go to hell. I don't agree with it, but hey, I respect his beliefs. I've been told that I'll be going to hell if I don't turn to Christ before, but this is the only one that has ever sugar-coated the concept of hell for me. He basically said that hell wouldn't be so bad for me, because I'm a good person. He told me that I'll at least have some friends there, and It won't really be a punishment so much as a holding place for me since I couldn't get into heaven. He thinks that the worst part of hell is reserved for murderers and the like.

 I have never heard anyone say that to me. I wonder if there is some Christian denomination that teaches this, or if maybe they are his own thoughts.

That's right. I'm almost 18. I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and I love learning. Especially about other's beliefs and religions. I am constantly searching for something that feels right to me. It's just what I am passionate about. I constantly hear people tell me, "You're young. Enjoy life. Don't worry about your place in the world; it will find you." or "What are you worried about fate for? You have your whole life to figure it out!"

 I'm sorry, but I don't want to wait until I'm 98 and on my death bed to decide what I believe. This is my head start. 

 People my own age think I'm obsessive. They, for the most part, don't seem to care about religion or spirituality. They just accept whatever they were told. No big deal. I can't do that. I have to look deep into many ideas.

Personally, I don't want to waste a second of my life. I feel that taking time to figure these things out is far better than whatever my peers are doing on a Saturday night. 

I know I'm young, but I don't think that it's a reason for not caring about fate and I don't see my youth harming me in any way.

 Honestly, I don't care if I'm talking to a 68 year-old woman. I just like to learn from people of different backgrounds, beliefs, and ages. I can learn much from the older generations.

Bottom line: Don't avoid talking to me just because I'm young!