I joined this community because so few people really understand mental illness. People see you and you "look fine". I'm good at "acting" fine, usually. But it's behind the closed doors that the crying and downward spiraling goes on. Last year from Nov-Jan was my darkest. I entertained thoughts of suicide, spoke of it often, cried every night in the dark alone, forgot to eat, had no desire for anything. Earlier, I had suffered what I now realize was a mental breakdown while away from home with total strangers. I think this was the real "beginning" of my spiraling downward. I hid it for a long time not wanting my family to "worry" about me. In these darkest times, I was angry at God and begging him at the same time for "something". My life continues---is a daily stuggle.