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    why suffer?

    Sunday, March 1, 2009, 2:44 AM [General]

    Here I am, in the flesh, after an extended absence.  I came back to find new stuff, and a little bit of old, like having to login WAY too many times.  But, I'm patient.  I came here, or was led here for some reason, so I'm hanging tough, or trying to. 

    As I was poking around looking at things I had left to share with friends, and also reminders to myself I looked over  some old journal entries and  read the one titled 'come home' which told of our friend Perry and his diagnosis of cancer.  I wrote then that he was told 6 months without treatment.  Well, he died the first of the month.  Almost 6 months to the day, and he had treatment.  All I can think of is this; no doctor, or mediccation, can alter God's plan.  God has  a plan for each of us, yes He does. After Perry's death, I was talking with a friend of mine about the funeral arrangements and such,  and I explained to him how another friend of mine asked me a question just the day before, when her husbands  grandmother died.  Her question was this-I know she has lived a good life. I know she has tried to live a good life.  She believed in God, loved the church and her church friends, and she tried to do right by everyone.  Why is it that she had to suffer in her last days?

    At the time, which I explained to the first friend I mentioned. I  felt like I could't come up with an adequate answer. So I asked him what his answer would have been.  

    He went on to say," ya know, it's hard to come up with the right answer for people during a time of grief, but I always seem to find comfort by  turning to Chapter 8 of Romans."  He quoted scripture to me, and to be honest, all I can remember is that he said Romans 8.  

    So, I have found myself reading the whole chapter hunting for what he was talking about. 

    I found verses 17. 18. and 19 soothing.  They read as follows.  17, and since we are his children, we will share his treasures--for all God gives to his Son Jesus is now ours too. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.18,Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later.19,For all creation is waiting patiently and hopefully for that future day when God will resurrect his children. 

    And as I finish this up, I remember the worlds of my friend now.  He said, all things work for good, or something to that effect. 

    Of course, the more you read of this chapter, the more it goes on to explain. 

    Isn't it nice to have fellow christians as friends?  They help build us up and make us strong, or stronger in our faith.  That's why I tell my kids that the ones they choose as friends influences them more than they'll ever understand.  Better to be around others with the same beliefs, to keep you from going astray. 

    And to that, I say Amen.

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    Come home

    Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 2:54 AM [General]

    My beloved came home on Friday of this last week and told me that he heard one of our fellow employees from our jobs of old, has cancer.  I sat on it overnight.  Woke up the next morning to try to round up more old employees from that time  and see if anyone knew anything.  What with it being Saturday morning, I wasn't too successful.  I told my hubby that I had found out, nothing. 

    So he came home today to tell me he found out today, that the cancer was really bad, and the doctors had given him 3 to 6 months,.  We both got on the phone today and called people. He actually did a lot of the calling.  Being the woman that I am, I still want' happy with the lack of news.  So, as he told me goodnight, I made one more call, this to the home of the fella in question.  I got his wife and learned everything I could.  They have been married 56 years next month.  She told me on the phone, he always thought the world of you, still does.  I reiterated with, he knows I love him, and I know he has always loved you with all his heart and soul.  She responded with, I know that, too.  Then she started getting emotional and saying how she wouldn't be able to live without him.  I told her to keep her hopes up.  They told him 3 to 6 months without treatment, which he is planning on getting.  I then let her talk to Stanley and we said our goodbyes with the promise that I would be by to see both of them as soon as he got out of the hospital, hopefully sometime this afternoon. 

    I have sat here for hours with him on my mind.  His name is Perry, and his wife's name is Calista. They are older than me and Stanley.  They have kids older and younger than the 2 of us.  Heck, they've been married 56 years and I'm only 45.  He was always like a father figure to me.  I dated one of his sons.  We have always been friends.  They are just simple folk, like me and the Stanley. 

    I became sick in '04.  Thanks to God for letting me live through it.  I had some hard times.  But in all honesty, from the start of my illness, I had no idea I was sick, or how sick I was.  I was in a morphine induced fog.  I have sat here and thought of what Perry and Calista are going through.  Could you imagine(?), waiting to die?  I can't.  Too sick to do all the things you wish you could've, would've done in your past.  praying to get better.  I do remember, when my bigmama was on her last few laps of life on this great earth, she told my mama, "I'm ready to go home. I'm really ready to go home".  My mama, told her to go on and go.  She also told her to not worry about her and the rest of her kids.  They would be okay.  After these words, my bigmama, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and went home.  She is the one that told me, showed me, and lived, FAITH. Only after her death, can I see it, so clearly.  The woman that I admired so much, had shown me through her life on this earth, what a wonderful person she was.  Angels in waiting, she was truly one of them.  She was ready to go home. 

    As I compare the 2, I worry, if Perry is ready to go home. 

    However, on the phone, the first thing I asked Calista was, "do you need anything? Anything I can do?"  Her answer was, "Prayer, all we need is prayer." I answered with, "No problem at all."  So with those words, maybe Perry is ready to go home. 

    "Come home, come home, come home,
    Ye who are weary come home;
    Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling us,
    Calling, O sinner, come home!"

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    Saturday, June 28, 2008, 2:45 AM [General]

    SmileJust now finished watching Joyce on TV.  She was talking about authority and attitude. 

    "Quit spending your life having opinions about the way others live their lives.  If ya don't agree with something they said or did, pray for them.  Just as kids should honor their parents, we should honor our friends and neighbors and the 'authority' models in our lives.  So true.  I read my scripture this morning, and I honestly can't remember, right now, exactly what it was.  I do remember that after I completed it, I prayed to God, "Thank you Lord for helping me learn to bite my tongue."

    Hoyce also ade the comment, Pride is the root of destruction.  These words are so true.  When one is prideful, they become 'puffed' up with themselves.  Thnking, I can do no wrong.  I'm # 1. Period.  Doesn't matter how I got there, or how I get there, I'm # 1.  Don't question that, learn to live with it, loser.  I remember my days of pride.  I remember them well.  My goal everyday was to be # 1 in my workplace.  And I was.  Or I thought I was.  Well, that pride and conceit, almost cost me my life.  But, by the grace of God, I am alive today.  The  past is but a memory that brings bad thoughts to my mind.  Oh, there was good in me.  I know that for sure.  But it wasn't at the top, on the surface, it was beneath several other layers of conflicting emotions.  And those consisted of pride, deceit(to myself and my family), and anger. My work was my life.  seemed I had no other life at all.  Spending time with my kids meant having them with me at work, hanging out in my office.  Then when I finally decided we could leave, I would take them out to eat, or to the movies, or just let them go buy whatever they could think of that they thought they 'needed'.  I sometimes wonder if they miss those days of getting whatever they want.  They say they don't.  But I was so used to rewarding them with things.  I can't, don't do that anymore.  More precious to me is time spent with them, doing whatever,  Whether it be going for a walk, or a ride or just watching a good movie or show with them on the tube.  Any time spent with them is well worth it to me.  I have missed a lot of their lives.  I don't know how many years we have left together for me me to make up for lost time.  But I do trust God now, to keep me on the right path.  Smile

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    so is me ...

    Tuesday, May 27, 2008, 9:58 AM [General]


    Everytime I come to post in my journal, I find myself apologizing, mostly to myself, for being too 'busy' to post everyday.  I'm from back then, I guess you could say. Now to explain...My son is 20, my daughter is 17.  I don't remember what grade they were prompted in school to write a journal.  I'm sure my son doesn't, but I know my daugher does keep a running journal.  She does hers daily.  Always has, and probably always will.  This is something that was instilled in her at school, at a very early age.  I never remember being prompted in school to write a journal. But, 'back then' things were different.  I grew up reading Dick and Jane.  They taught us how to read. I bought a Dick and Jane Christmas Story a few years ago.  I was so excited to have found it.  I brought it in to share with my kids, and they laughed.  I was hurt.  They didn't care that these 2 fictional characters  were a part of my childhood. 

    But times have changed. I remember when my kids were comng up, the ways they were taught to learn were strange to me and my husband.  My daughter learned a lot about reading through the use of phonics.  She loves to read, still.  My son rather take a beating than read.  If Grace has any extra cash, she buys a book.  She went to the beach this past week-end, and guess what she bought while there.  A Book ! Yep, while at the beach she couldn't resist the Borders bookstore.  But a love of reading will take you far, or so I've been told.  I'nm glad she loves it.  I did when I was her age. 

    But I do need to remember to post im my journal everyday.  I have to try and make myself do better.   

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    Friday, May 9, 2008, 3:32 AM [General]

    Thursday, May 08, 2008.  Yes ! Today was the day. Opening night of Sylvia at our Little Theatre here in town.  This meant opening night of my daughter's first leading role in a play.  She has always had a great love for the theatre.  She has partcipated for years.  She has always felt either, too young, too short or too something, or ...not enough something.  Tonight was her night to shine.  And....Shine she did.  Very brightly. 

    I love both of my kids the same.  I try not to show any partiality.  I think I keep it pretty even.  They will say different.  I wonder, if I will every make them feel as proud of me, as they make me feel of them.  They are the only two things I feel I have done right in all my 45 years. 

    As I sit here typing this, the thought comes into my mind....I wonder if this is how God felt about his son.  Proud.  A work of art.  Compared to the rest of His creation, who had done nothing but cause Him torment.  Continual disobedience.  I know how he must of felt about His son.  And how can any of us compare to the perfection of Jesus Christ?  I know I would definitely fall short. 

    But looking at my children and feeling the overwhelming love that I have for them, helps me to understand the sacrifice both of Them made, for us.  To take away all of my sin.  All of our sins. 

    Now the thought....all fall short of the glory of God.    So, I shouldn't feel so bad about it, huh?  No, that's not what that means.  I can't use that as a daily excuse.  It should tempt me to try harder.  Then why don't I, try harder that is?   Basically, I think, we all think, we are good people.  But in the eyes of God we can do better.  I know I can.  Could and should. 

    So everyday I should strive to do my best.  I should strive to make things better for others, not just better for myself.  One way to do this is prayer.  Prayer is simple.  No monetary expenses included.  So why don't we do what God tells us to do?

    Pray without ceasing.  I think in a roundabout way, we do.  I have always heard, a prayer thought is as good as a prayer said.  So, if all of this is in our thoughts all day, would that be considered praying without ceasing? Like in th mornings when I walk out on the deck and watch and listen to the sounds of nature, and I thank God for the glorious sounds of morning that he has laid out for me, each day, everyday.  Would that be considered prayer? 

    I could go on like this forever, but I will end this for now.  I'm just thinking out loud through my keypad here. 

    And I'll wind this up by saying, thank you God, for my kids, my home, my whole family, which in turn makes me whole.  I know they are all blessings from you, just as the birds of the air and the fish of the sea, and the glorious landscape you open my days with.  They are all gifts from you God, and I know that, and I thank you for each part of my life dear Lord, the good and the bad, bcause I know each piece is a part of my puzzle of life. 

    Thank you God, for everything.Smile


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