"He just kept extending love...."

by Chaplain John Connor

These were words I heard at a conference 10 years ago, 5 years before I considered Chaplaincy.

I was a volunteer at a Conference put on by a former prison inmate and his wife, to bring spirituality into the prison system in Texas.

The guy speaking had been an inmate (for "white collar" crime), and had been very bitter and angry during his incarceration.  Weekly he would have a required appointment with a psychologist.  During these sessions,the inmate, who I'll call "Ted", would either be silent, or unleash profanity-laden anger at the therapist.  

The therapist, as Ted said -- "he just kept extending love..."  

Eventually Ted opened up and let his defenses fall, and his experience transformed.  He began to make good use of his therapy sessions, and to want to be useful to other inmates.  He calmed down,lightened up, and he ended up putting on a conference that attracted nationally knows speakers such as Marianne Williamson to come and speak for free.

I thought of this recently, when I got a letter from the daughter of a patient I'll call "Jeff".  Jeff was an atheist, and seemed to sometimes delight in telling me how religion was "a bunch of BS", and that only the simple-minded could believe these "fairy tales."

Because I am somewhat well-read, he did enjoy talking to me about literature and his political views, and so he kept me coming to see him.

After many months, there were some periods in which Jeff would let go, and come into contact with his spiritual nature, and ask me to pray with him.  In his daughter's letter, she described this as "the only spiritual lift my father has ever known."

I learned a wonderful lesson from Ted, and from his therapist -- who Ted introduced to the whole conference after telling his story.

When your patient (or loved one you are caring for) is angry, or impatient, and maybe even looking to push your buttons, just keep extending love.  And if love in some moments is too much to muster, just keep extending acceptance.  Acceptance of the patient, and acceptance of yourself.