Well, here lately I have been so busy....actually, I shouldn't be on here now, as I am at work.  No, I am still with the same 'ole job too, no such luck so far in finding a new job.  I just wanted to come here and let my friends know that I miss them and I miss being on here.  I apologize for staying away for so long and not having the time to come here or to my groups.  I have SO much going on and so much that is stressing me out, that I just can't function sometimes.  My grandmother has been down for a long time now and she finally had her knee replacement sugery this past Wednesday.  Thankful for that...but I am at home taking care of her when I am not at work.  So, it has been hard for me to get away to look for a job as well and when I do, the hours won't work.  I have no one to keep my son (other than daycare)...so it is stressful.  I just wish my husband were at home to help...things would be so much easier.

So, that is what has been going on lately...I hope that everyone can understand...It did me good to log in and see the many emails that I have waiting on me.  I miss you all so much and I really miss participating in my groups!!  Please know that it is nothing personal...it's just life is getting in the way.  Pray for us and I will keep you all in my prayers, as I have been!!!  Love you guys.  Blessings to all!!!!!  JENN

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Here lately...my life has been SO busy....I miss you Friends!!!!!!

MY LIFE IS PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT NOW...GOOD AND STILL BAD.  MY HUSBAND IS STILL FAR, FAR AWAY (ONLY IN DISTANCE THOUGH~HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT HERE WITH ME)...BUT I HAVE MASTERED THE LPN EXAM (AS OF APRIL 18TH) AND WILL BE STARTING A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE.  I AM SO EXCITED, YET I WISH CHRIS WERE HERE TO SHARE THIS SPECIAL TIME WITH ME.  THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT HE HAS MISSED, BUT I FEEL DEEP WITHIN ME THAT ALL OF THIS WILL BE OVER SOON.  WHAT 'SOON' IS, I CAN'T TELL YOU.  I JUST HAVE A PEACE ABOUT IT.  I FEEL CONFIDENT IN THE LORD THAT HE IS NOT GOING TO ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE ON MUCH LONGER.

I AM NERVOUS ABOUT STARTING A NEW JOB & BEING A NURSE...BUT CHANGE, EVEN WHEN IT'S GOOD, DOES THAT TO PEOPLE....AT LEAST ME ANYWAYS.  I PASSED THAT TEST BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND I GIVE HIM ALL THE PRAISE & HONOR!!!  THANK YOU LORD!!!

IT IS A TRUE BLESSING TO BE APART OF THIS COMMUNITY.  THE FRIENDS THAT I HAVE AQUIRED, THE RELATIONSHIPS BUILT, THE SUPPORT, THE PRAYERS, THE OVERALL LOVE IS JUST OVERWHELMING.  WHEN I FIRST JOINED, I NEVER IN MY LIFE THOUGHT I WOULD FIND SUCH AMAZING PEOPLE.  I WAS SEARCHING SO HARD FOR ANSWERS-I JOINED BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WAS JUST COMPLETELY ALONE-I FELT LIKE MY SPIRIT WAS JUST SO HEAVY WITH GRIEF AND BITTERNESS.  SINCE THEN, I HAVE GROWN-GROWN IN MY FAITH.  IT IS STILL A STRUGGLE AND I STILL HAVE THOSE TIMES WHEN IT FEELS LIKE I CAN'T GO ON-BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT GOD HAS NEVER LEFT ME ALONE AND NOW I KNOW HE HAS SENT ME FRIENDS TO HELP SHARE AND SHOW HIS LOVE.  I AM TRUELY BLESSED-GOD'S LOVE IS SO AMAZING AND I KNOW HE WILL SEE ME AND MY FAMILY THROUGH THIS.  THANK YOU TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS FOR THE PRAYERS, EMAIL, COMMENTS, DAILY THOUGHTS-FOR EVERYTHING-FOR JUST BEING GOD'S LOVING PEOPLE.  MY JOURNEY MAY BE LONG AND HARD-BUT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE GOD AND I WILL HAVE MY FRIENDS TO BE THERE FOR ME.  BLESSED-THAT'S THE ONLY WORD I CAN THINK OF-I AM SO BLESSED.  PRAISE THE LORD-WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN-PRAISE THE LORD!!

HEAVENLY FATHER, BLESS THIS COMMUNITY.  LORD, BLESS THE MEMBERS, THE FRIENDS, THE FOUNDERS, THE NEWCOMERS AND THOSE STILL TO COME.  KEEP US WRAPPED IN YOUR LOVING ARMS-KEEP US IN YOUR WORD-SHOW US YOUR LOVE SO THAT WE MAY CONTINUE TO SHOW OTHERS LOVE FOR YOUR HONOR AND GLORY.  LORD, LOVE US AND KEEP US, LEAD, GUIDE AND DIRECT US.  BE THE CENTER OF OUR LIVES, HEAVENLY FATHER, IN JESUS' NAME I PRAY, AMEN.

I sit alone sometimes and I wonder what's my purpose. Why am I here-?-to be subjected to all this suffering in my life-past and present? I feel better now since I have been opening up a little bit more, but here for the past couple of weeks or more, I have been very bitter and depressed!  I guess mainly because I don't understand and there is nothing really that I can do to change my situation.  Before Christmas, I was thinking about the times me and Chris have spent together.  Memories...that's all I have now...but it's getting harder and harder to remember our good times-well, basically remembering us even being together...he's been gone for sooooo long---too long!  When he first left-July 06-when I would go to bed at night (the couch of my grandparents' house-can't bring myself to sleep in an actually bed-not without him in it-so, I've been sleeping on their couch for almost 18 months now)--I could still feel his breath on my neck and his stubble on my bare shoulder and his hand rested so gently in the bend of my pelvis.  Now-?-I've give anything to be able to imagine that...I cry myself to sleep, praying for God to let me feel that closeness again-even if it's just only in my mind.  I can't stop crying right now because it hurts so bad to acknowledge these things-but I can't keep holding them inside-Like when I tried to make a real dinner for us-me, him and the kids-and I had never really cooked before.  I looked up a good meal on Kraft.com and was so proud of myself-we sat down and when we bit into our food-it was like eating rocks.  It was a beef meal that contained rice.  Chris asked me if I cooked the rice-I told him I followed the directions--needless to say, I didn't know there were different 'time' rice.  I used twenty-minute rice and when the recipe said 'minute' rice-I took it as let it cook for one minute.  He has never let me live that one down-he tells everyone...but he thinks it was cute and innocent-I felt embarrassed.  To this day I can't cook rice!  We had so much going on, but we took time for each other and made sure we let the other know that we loved 'em.  He never had to say he loved me-I could see it in his eyes.  He was hopelessly in love with me-he was pitiful!  After the first night that we met, we never spent more than 24 hours away from one another.  We lost so much sleep!!  We made sooooo much loving!!!!  We were crazy in love with each other.  Now, I don't know what to say to him anymore-this distance and time apart is driving a wedge between us--I feel like we will never get a chance to experience that again or pick up where we left off.

He's my best friend and I can't express myself to him because of all of this.  I have to be strong in my mind and when I speak to him--I know he's having a hard enough time dealing with life in jail, being away from us, being accused of a crime he didn't commit and being completely helpless-how can I dump my feelings on top of all of that?  So, I 'appear' to be the strong wife that has the backbone that can withstand the weight of the world...but I'm not.  I have been so angry with God and this whole situation.  I say 'He can put an end to this right this very second, but He doesn't'...why not?  I have felt so forsaken and so utterly alone...so helpless.  Why can't God stop all of this?  I don't understand.  I know He sees His child so broken hearted, so alone, so close to the edge, but I'm just left there.  I don't like feeling like this and I surely can't help it-I can't get the thought outta my head that He's not hearing me or He doesn't care or I don't know what!  I know this whole situation is not about me--but still, I am affected-I am suffering-I am broken down, broken-hearted...God knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb-is this what I was meant for-?-is this my purpose-?-to show others 'hey it could be worse; you could be in Jennifer's shoes'.  What am I here for?  Why is this still going on?  Why did God allow me to meet Chris-fall in love with Chris-marry Chris-have Chris' child and then take Chris away?  Not that I blame God for all of this-but I do know He could end it-couldn't He-?-if He wanted to?!  It's like a cruel joke-never know happiness or love-then find it-just to have it snatched away...maybe this is partly my fault, I shouldn't have let my guard down-I shoulda known it was too good to be true or too good to last too long...Now I have a constant reminder of what I once had-my son.  I love my son-he is what keeps me going-but he is also what breaks me down.  It's weird, Xavier was 2 weeks old when Chris was arrested, but he sounds like him, he looks like him, he even walks like him.  It's hard-the one person in this world that I love more than life is also the one person that can break my whole world down-and he's not even 3 feet tall.  He's laying in his bed right now-asleep-across the room from me-and I can't stop the tears from streaming down my face. His Daddy has missed so much-Xavier reminds me all too often that my life is a living hell-because it hurts so bad-I want my husband home-I want my son's father to be a father to him.  It's not fair...to me nor to my son-especially my son.  He may not know what he's missing or even realize that he's even missing anything at all-but I know-so I hurt for myself and for him!  God will never put more on His children than what they can handle--I can't handle too much more of this!!!

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I AM NOT MUCH OF A READER, BUT EVERY SINCE CHRIS HAS BEEN GONE, I HAVE BEEN PICKING UP A BOOK OR TWO HERE AND THERE.  I THINK TO MAINLY TAKE MY MIND OFF OF MY OWN LIFE, MY TRAGEDY, MY OWN SUSPENSE FILLED SITUATION AND JUST GET LOST IN SOMEONE ELSE'S IN A GREAT BOOK.  I GET THEM FROM MY FIRST CLIENT'S DAUGTHER...SHE CAN READ ONE OF THOSE NOVELS (USUALLY AT LEAST 300+ PAGES) IN NO TIME FLAT.  THEN ONCE SHE'S READ IT, SHE GIVES IT AWAY.  SHE HAS ALWAYS LOVED TO READ.  NOT SO MUCH FOR ME THOUGH-IN HIGH SCHOOL I USED TO GET MY GRANDMOTHER TO READ MY ASSIGNED BOOKS AND SHE WOULD SUMMARIZE IT FOR ME IN ORDER FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO PASS A TEST.  I KNOW...WHAT A SHAME!!  I JUST HATED READING.  WHEN MY CLIENT'S DAUGHTER LEARNED OF MY HUSBAND'S SITUATION, SHE HAD NO LONG FINISHED JOHN GRISHAM'S BOOK, THE INNOCENT MAN.  SHE LET ME BORROW IT, FOR SHE HAD ALREADY PROMISED IT TO SOMEONE ELSE.  I READ IT IN ONE DAY-WHICH WAS  A RECORD FOR ME.  IT WASN'T LONG AFTER THAT, SHE GAVE ME SOME PAPERBACK BOOKS-MOSTLY MYSTERY, SUSPENSE, DRAMA-MOSTLY ABOUT MURDER-HOW IRONIC I THOUGHT.  I LIKE MOVIES LIKE THAT, SO I FIGURED BOOKS OF THE SAME CHARACTER WOULD BE INTRIGUING.  SHE HAS GIVEN ME SOME REALLY GOOD BOOKS!!  JUST TO NAME A FEW--"GONE" BY LISA GARDNER; "TURNING ANGEL" BY GREG ILES; FINISHED THE BOOK "CROSS" BY JAMES PATTERSON IN ONE DAY--VERY GOOD BOOK.  I JUST FINISHED ANOTHER GREAT BOOK; TOOK ME 3 DAYS; "THE ALIBI" BY SANDRA BROWN.  IT TOOK ME THREE DAYS BECAUSE THE MAIN CHARACTERS REMINDED ME OF MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF--THE CHEMISTRY AND INSTANT PASSION...HAD SOME VIVID LOVE-MAKING SCENES WHICH REMINDED ME OF MY HUSBAND AND ULTIMATELY THE FACT THAT IT HAS BEEN OVER 16 MONTHS SINCE WE MADE LOVE!!  I WOULD GET ALL FLUSTERED AND A BIT AMISS WHILE READING THE LOVE-MAKING SCENES AND WOULD HAVE TO FOLD THE PAGE AND LEAVE IT ALONE FOR AWHILE.  THE PURPOSE OF READING THE BOOKS WAS TO DETER MY THOUGHTS OF HIM FOR AWHILE, SO THAT BOOK WAS UNSUCCESSFUL AT THAT, BUT IT WAS STILL A GREAT BOOK...IT WILL PROBABLY BE A WHILE BEFORE I PICK UP ANOTHER BOOK-THAT WAS TWO I READ IN LESS THAN A WEEK-DON'T WANNA OVERLOAD-STILL NOT REALLY USED TO READING MUCH...BUT IT HAS BECOME AN ENJOYMENT OF MINE.  JUST THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE THAT TID-BIT.

  I LOVE MY JOB.  TAKING CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE IS WHAT I DO-WHAT I ENJOY DOING.  GRANTED, I GET PAID FOR IT, BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF MORE PEOPLE WHO GET PAID TO DO A JOB THAT THEY HATE.  IT'S NOT ALWAYS GREAT.  SOMETIMES YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO WALK INTO WHEN YOU ARE A CAREGIVER.  I USED TO WORK IN A NURSING HOME ON THIRD SHIFT-SOMETIMES WE WERE SO SHORT STAFFED, I HAD OVER 32 PATIENTS TO CARE FOR ALL NIGHT ALONE!!  CARING FOR SICK PEOPLE CAN BE A STRAIN.  BUT IT STILL REWARDING.  I WORKED IN THE UNIT WITH PATIENTS WITH ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE AND DEMENTIA....NOW THAT WAS THE BEST TIME--IT WAS NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN THERE.  I HAVE BEEN ASSAULTED, CHASED, CURSED OUT, HUGGED ON, SEXUALLY HARRASSED...YOU NAME IT, YOU GOT IT IN THE  UNIT! IT WAS ALL GOOD THOUGH, BECAUSE I KNEW IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, THEY WERE LIKE BIG INFANTS, THEY WERE STILL SOMEONE'S LOVED ONE.  I STARTED OUT WORKING IN A HOSPITAL-ON THE RENAL AND MED. SURG. FLOOR.  I DID IT FOR OVER 2 YEARS BUT  WAS NOT  REALLY SATISFIED...ONE DAY THE PATIENT  WAS THERE, THE NEXT THEY COULD BE DISCHARGED.  I WANTED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY PATIENTS' LIVES BUT WAS LIMITED.  THAT'S WHEN I STARTED AT THE NURSING HOME.  LOVED IT...GOT CLOSE TO MY PATIENTS, THEY REMEMBERED ME (EXCEPT THOSE IN THE UNIT)-THEY ASKED FOR ME-I LOVED THEM AND THEY LOVED  ME.  IF ONE HAPPENED TO PASS ON -AND MANY DID, IT  WAS SAD, BUT I KNEW I HAD DONE MY PART AND THEY WERE ON TO A BETTER PLACE...HOME.  NOW I HAVE A GREAT JOB- I DO IN-HOME HEALTH CARE FOR TWO PERMANENT CLIENTS...ONE IS 91 YEARS OLD TODAY (NOV.27) AND THE OTHER IS 7 YEARS OLD.  I FEEL LIKE FAMILY TO THEM AND THEY FEEL LIKE FAMILY TO ME.  I LOVE MY "JOB"