It comes down to change and how I decide to deal with it. Do I bend or do I stand? Maybe do both?
I have a cancer called glioblastoma multiforme. It is a stage four cancer of the brain. I found out, was diagnosed, February of this year. I had an incredible headache that just wouldn't go away. When I went to the ER a CT found a mass that an MRI confirmed as two tumors. When they were removed they were malignant and of the type that will come back. There is no cure for GBM. One can only treat it, fight it and live with it until one finally cannot live any more. That may be months or years.
So how to do that? Do I bend? Do I stand and fight? There is an inevitability here. I will not win. My life will be shorter than I want it to be. I want my life. That means fight. But how?
I can't make GBM go away. Right now there is no cure. I have to live with it and that means bend. I can, with the help of my med team make the life I have more comfortable. That means stand.
So it's a combination, isn't it? Cancer isn't something that comes from outside. It wells up within the body. It's a shock. Lots of things come from inside but somehow, to me, cancer feels like it's actively trying to kill me. It has all the ammunition and I have a pop gun. There is no early detection for GBM. It is a primary brain cancer- it develops in the brain, stays in the brain and kills the brain. It is implacable, won't stop coming for me and will overwhelm all my efforts. I hate that. I feel like I have no control here.
Since I have no control, can't win, why fight? I want my life, that's why. I also want some grace and peace. People tell me to go on, live, don't think about cancer. I hear that the treatment worked and that I can relax until the next time. Don't think so. I don't dwell on this every bit of every day but this is part of my life now. There has to be accommodation. I think I have to bend to the changes that GBM brings, stop the progression where I can and live in the space between.
I take such joy in the small things of my life. I love playing on line. I love my family, my pets, my friends. I love to watch the day slide by. I don't feel the need to be in frenetic activity. I don't feel the need to have my space filled with light, noise, sound and movement. Living can be a simple as a cup of coffee, a cat in my lap and watching the kids play in the yard. Life is resting too.
I will do what I can. I will take my joy and try to share it. When the time comes I will bend and I will die. That is what everyone has to do. We don't get out of this world alive.