ilibertyi's blog listings. Feed Zend_Feed_Writer 1.10.8 (http://framework.zend.com) http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi The other shoe dropped  I was in remission for about 3 months staying around a 7.5 and feeling pretty "normal". I had a one day dip to a 3 and have been up to a 5/6 for the last two weeks or so. Not sure if my dip is due to chemistry and so I'm r to life, or if life is making my emotions overreact. While I was feeling good, I kept saying I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - well it did. I realize I have this feeling of ending my life all the time, even when I feel good, I feel like I'm ready for mylife to end at any time and it would be okay with me. Intellectually, I know that's not a good thing. That brings the possibility that much closer.

Then I consider some of the Buddhist teaching of attachment and non-attachment to life and I wonder if that is what is meant. If I devalue the future, then it seems to me that I should value or at least appreciate the present moment more. If I feel the pain of living all the time, then it means also that I am not using any addictions to numb out or escape from the present moment. The more I'm able to live with the negative feelings, without trying to escape, the more fearless I will become. Nothing can push my buttons IF I'm able to do two things: live in the present moment only, and not try to escape in some way if things become difficult or painful. This also means I need to trust God to take care of whatever happens. That's a big deal.

I realize that my biggest fear in life is that I will make a mistake. I have very little compassion for myself. I consider that I am a very compassionate person - where others are concerned, but not for myself. That is the root of my fear. I will cause something terrible to happen. I will make a mistake. As a person with manic-depression, it's unrealistic for me to think I won't ever make a mistake. My last manic episode was a disaster. The Buddhist teaching of "Maitri" or self-compassion, is something I need to practice. If God, who is perfect, can forgive me, then why can't I forgive myself?

Perhaps the mere fact that I can reflect should tell myself that I'm OK. That it's time to be kind and gentle with myself because life is painful enough without causing myself pain and fear. As I write this I am listening to Pema Chodron, my unofficial spiritual teacher. It's taken her over 30 years to get to where she is. How can I expect so much of myself that I should do it faster then she? So, I begin. To be kind and gentle - not just to others but to myself as well and that I would learn to be especially gentle when I am down here, feeling flat and care-less. I want to be a kind, gentle and fearless person. To be calm and content. Content with good feelings and content with negative feelings.

Boy, the other shoe dropped and I sure got deep down. Maybe, being depressed, is where I get the most "work" done - that I pay more attention at those times. I don't know. How about you?

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Sat, 12 Jul 2008 19:32:19 -0500 http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/07/12/the_other_shoe_dropped http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/07/12/the_other_shoe_dropped  I was in remission for about 3 months staying around a 7.5 and feeling pretty "normal". I had a one day dip to a 3 and have been up to a 5/6 for the last two weeks or so. Not sure if my dip is due to chemistry and so I'm r to life, or if life is making my emotions overreact. While I was feeling good, I kept saying I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - well it did. I realize I have this feeling of ending my life all the time, even when I feel good, I feel like I'm ready for mylife to end at any time and it would be okay with me. Intellectually, I know that's not a good thing. That brings the possibility that much closer.

Then I consider some of the Buddhist teaching of attachment and non-attachment to life and I wonder if that is what is meant. If I devalue the future, then it seems to me that I should value or at least appreciate the present moment more. If I feel the pain of living all the time, then it means also that I am not using any addictions to numb out or escape from the present moment. The more I'm able to live with the negative feelings, without trying to escape, the more fearless I will become. Nothing can push my buttons IF I'm able to do two things: live in the present moment only, and not try to escape in some way if things become difficult or painful. This also means I need to trust God to take care of whatever happens. That's a big deal.

I realize that my biggest fear in life is that I will make a mistake. I have very little compassion for myself. I consider that I am a very compassionate person - where others are concerned, but not for myself. That is the root of my fear. I will cause something terrible to happen. I will make a mistake. As a person with manic-depression, it's unrealistic for me to think I won't ever make a mistake. My last manic episode was a disaster. The Buddhist teaching of "Maitri" or self-compassion, is something I need to practice. If God, who is perfect, can forgive me, then why can't I forgive myself?

Perhaps the mere fact that I can reflect should tell myself that I'm OK. That it's time to be kind and gentle with myself because life is painful enough without causing myself pain and fear. As I write this I am listening to Pema Chodron, my unofficial spiritual teacher. It's taken her over 30 years to get to where she is. How can I expect so much of myself that I should do it faster then she? So, I begin. To be kind and gentle - not just to others but to myself as well and that I would learn to be especially gentle when I am down here, feeling flat and care-less. I want to be a kind, gentle and fearless person. To be calm and content. Content with good feelings and content with negative feelings.

Boy, the other shoe dropped and I sure got deep down. Maybe, being depressed, is where I get the most "work" done - that I pay more attention at those times. I don't know. How about you?

371d36d75e05eda735858f8e467be99c
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In Remission Okay so I'm in remission now for about 6 weeks or so. No mania, no depression. Just the usual occasional irksome feeling and the occasional over excitement. wow. what a novel feeling not to be ruled by my emotions. I almost don't know what to do with myself! The only downside is, I'm sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, this is manic-depression...a cyclical illness. What goes around comes around kind of thing. Instead of enjoying the day....I'm  waiting. Waiting with that cringed-look on my face. What I want to know, is how do YOU live in the middle of the cycle. Do you just go full-out and thoroughly enjoy yourself or do you sit and wait like me?

I am so thankful, however, that the meds are working. At least, I hope it's the meds that have me in the middle and not just the luck of the draw, hand-of-fate sort of thing. What do you think?

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Sun, 25 May 2008 16:04:56 -0500 http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/05/25/in_remission http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/05/25/in_remission Okay so I'm in remission now for about 6 weeks or so. No mania, no depression. Just the usual occasional irksome feeling and the occasional over excitement. wow. what a novel feeling not to be ruled by my emotions. I almost don't know what to do with myself! The only downside is, I'm sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, this is manic-depression...a cyclical illness. What goes around comes around kind of thing. Instead of enjoying the day....I'm  waiting. Waiting with that cringed-look on my face. What I want to know, is how do YOU live in the middle of the cycle. Do you just go full-out and thoroughly enjoy yourself or do you sit and wait like me?

I am so thankful, however, that the meds are working. At least, I hope it's the meds that have me in the middle and not just the luck of the draw, hand-of-fate sort of thing. What do you think?

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Venting I have to vent. if anyone is interested, email me.

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Sun, 27 Apr 2008 21:22:54 -0500 http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/04/27/venting http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/04/27/venting I have to vent. if anyone is interested, email me.

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Bring it on
It all comes down to this
You take your best shot, might miss
You take it anyway
You're gonna make your move today
Got the will, you'll find the way
To change the world someday
Grab this moment before it's gone
Today's your day

It's on (and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on) today's your day so come on, bring it on
(and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on) today's your day so come on, bring it on

And the view will never change
Unless you decide to change it
Don't feel like it today
Just show up anyways
And though life will take you down
It only matters if you let it
Get up, go through, press on
Today's your day

It's on (and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on) today's your day so come on, bring it on
(and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on) today's your day so come on, bring it on

And though you wanna quit
Don't think you can get through it
You've come too far to walk away
It's not gonna be today
And no matter how you feel
It's what you do that matters
This is your moment to be strong
Today's your day

It's on (and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on)

Lyrics "It's On" by Superchick........You're on....

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Mon, 14 Apr 2008 00:24:16 -0500 http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/04/14/bring_it_on http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/04/14/bring_it_on
It all comes down to this
You take your best shot, might miss
You take it anyway
You're gonna make your move today
Got the will, you'll find the way
To change the world someday
Grab this moment before it's gone
Today's your day

It's on (and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on) today's your day so come on, bring it on
(and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on) today's your day so come on, bring it on

And the view will never change
Unless you decide to change it
Don't feel like it today
Just show up anyways
And though life will take you down
It only matters if you let it
Get up, go through, press on
Today's your day

It's on (and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on) today's your day so come on, bring it on
(and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on) today's your day so come on, bring it on

And though you wanna quit
Don't think you can get through it
You've come too far to walk away
It's not gonna be today
And no matter how you feel
It's what you do that matters
This is your moment to be strong
Today's your day

It's on (and on) it's on (and on) it's on (and on)

Lyrics "It's On" by Superchick........You're on....

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Who am I really? This past month has been most interesting for me. My three daughters are doing fine, going about their business. My Step son, who is older, is out of work and I think, depressed. My step daughter who is older still, has moved inn with her 9 month old son. When I say moved in....i mean into my living room as we are out of bedrooms. Although I am enjoying being grandma...I am having to be mother all over again. While my daughters have been mostly trained up in the way they should go, My step daughter is not. I am having to model being a mother - scheduling meals, bathtimes, getting her to shower and give my grandson regular baths. She was living in rough circumstances before moving in so I know it is not her fault that she sleeps in her clothes or doesn't know how to clean a house. But I thought I was mostly done with all that. My youngest is 12 and is a CLEAN FREAK like her mother ! my second is very knowledgeable about cooking and housework and my oldest is graduating HS this year. My three girls are college bound and although their mother is bipolar, are mostly stable, healthy girls.

How do I tread lightly without leaving my heavy footprints behind? I mean, I want to leave an imprint but not be heavy-handed. Do ya know what I mean? Life is funny when it throws you a curve ball like this. I was looking forward to finishing a phase of life and find that I am reinstating that phase while starting the next all at the same time! Mom and Grandma. And all the while not speaking to my own mother cause she's just.....manipulative and well....silly is a nice word. Let's not even speak of my father. He's not a nice word either.

I keep reminding myself there is no normal life, Lisa, just life, to quote Doc Holliday. And while I write this I sink further into the pit of despair. My bipolar shifting me up and down like a seesaw. Tomorrow I will be anxious, tomorrow night, great, the next morning angry..the next who knows. Does anyone out there know how I feel? Is there anyone out there? Help me I've fallen and I can't get up...

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Sun, 30 Mar 2008 19:16:58 -0500 http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/03/30/who_am_i_really http://community.beliefnet.com/ilibertyi/blog/2008/03/30/who_am_i_really This past month has been most interesting for me. My three daughters are doing fine, going about their business. My Step son, who is older, is out of work and I think, depressed. My step daughter who is older still, has moved inn with her 9 month old son. When I say moved in....i mean into my living room as we are out of bedrooms. Although I am enjoying being grandma...I am having to be mother all over again. While my daughters have been mostly trained up in the way they should go, My step daughter is not. I am having to model being a mother - scheduling meals, bathtimes, getting her to shower and give my grandson regular baths. She was living in rough circumstances before moving in so I know it is not her fault that she sleeps in her clothes or doesn't know how to clean a house. But I thought I was mostly done with all that. My youngest is 12 and is a CLEAN FREAK like her mother ! my second is very knowledgeable about cooking and housework and my oldest is graduating HS this year. My three girls are college bound and although their mother is bipolar, are mostly stable, healthy girls.

How do I tread lightly without leaving my heavy footprints behind? I mean, I want to leave an imprint but not be heavy-handed. Do ya know what I mean? Life is funny when it throws you a curve ball like this. I was looking forward to finishing a phase of life and find that I am reinstating that phase while starting the next all at the same time! Mom and Grandma. And all the while not speaking to my own mother cause she's just.....manipulative and well....silly is a nice word. Let's not even speak of my father. He's not a nice word either.

I keep reminding myself there is no normal life, Lisa, just life, to quote Doc Holliday. And while I write this I sink further into the pit of despair. My bipolar shifting me up and down like a seesaw. Tomorrow I will be anxious, tomorrow night, great, the next morning angry..the next who knows. Does anyone out there know how I feel? Is there anyone out there? Help me I've fallen and I can't get up...

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