I really dont knowwhat's happening to my life. Right now I am so so sick. I have a fever, am sweaty and cold, etc. But had enough energy to throw all of my daughter's clothes away that were on the floor in her bedroom. She throws them everywhere and doesn't pick them up and I am sick of it.
I want to divorce my husband. It's been about 10 years of bullshit with some really great attraction there, but I don't know where it's going and I truly am sick of him. His hoarding problem is out of control. He has major ADD. Really. He has no motivation. He is jobless and education-less. He rarely completes anything. If he does, it's because I am the bitch that is pushing him to complete. I just want to leave.
I don't know what to do. My house is a complete wreck. And has been since we moved into it 5 years ago. We have not been able to do anything downstairs because yet another one of his projects- the flooring downstairs- is incomplete- with no finish in sight. There is no room for anything down there right now. And at this point if I have to leave with nothing- including my kids, I am almost willing to take that risk.
The chaos that resides in my household right now is nothing I can talk about with anyone. It truly don't feel like anyone cares enough about me to honestly just LISTEN. Or understand.
I am just so DONE. I am done being a wife, a mom, the responsible one, etc.. I am going out of my mind and I just don't know what to do. I want to curl up and die, honestly, if words could describe they way I feel now. I feel like a failure.
I need to find a good job. I fel like such a loser. I let my cosmetology lisence expire because I thought I still had time and honestly I didn't have the money to renew it. Story of my life. I never have money. I work at a place that hasn't paid me since june. I have to go back to State Board and take my tests all over again. Of course, because I have so much free time to study and all that shit.
I am fat. I always will be fat. I hate my body. And I also hate the fact that I can't take care of myself. I have let myself go. I am depressed. I am angry. I have no control over myself. I have lost myself in a bad relationship, bad decisions, and just bad luck over the last decade or so. I just really hate who I am and where I am right now.
I miss my sister. And I wonder why because I was always saying how toxic she was to me. Why do I want her back? why do I miss her? On Thursday it will be a year since she passed. and I am in a much worse place than before. I am overwhelmed and utterly depressed. I can't find my way back to the place where I knew how to be happy. I just don't know what to do. I can't be here anymore.
We all have lives, and it depends on who we live them for as to how happy we are in that life. Do you live it for you or for someone else? If you live it for someone else, it's wrong. HOw do I know this, because for a long time I lived it for two people who "love" me very much. That is the worst mistake in my life. I will be miserable if I live it for them. For all those people who will not be happy for the decisions I make and the paths I choose then so be it, they probably didn't have a place in my life anyway! I am the only one in control of my life and my decisions. This is something that I have had to learn the very hard way through many different trials, but I'm getting there, and I'm making it! No, not everyone will agree with what I choose to do in life, but I will not do it to make THEM happy, but to make myself happy! There are people in my life who will support me no matter what I choose to do, whether it be move across the state of Texas just to start a new life, or get back with someone I love very much, not everyone will agree or like it. So be it!
My puppy at work. She went to work with me today because her daddy was out of town. I love my cowgirl. She is very protective of her momma and its so awesome. I can not leave the room without her going crazy. She is always watching people. Shes not much of a barker but we had some guys come in one time that she did not like and she went to town. At one point i found her under my desk when this one guy came in. She had been just fine until he walked through our door. Then she was not leaving my side. She wanted to make sure her momma was safe!
What has really begun to drive this kind of thing home is that people that are my age and a little older are dying everyday, some who I know and some whom I do not. Either way it is always sad to see someone who has just begun to live their life simply lose it. Whether it be a disease or a horrific car accident, it's sad either way. It just makes me realize that as we start to get older we are beginning to lose those people around us, and how sad it is that they may never get to see their children get older or hold their first grandbaby. I was speaking with someone the other day about how we go through life thinking that would never happen to us we would not start losing the people around us until we were at least 35. WRONG! We have been losing the people around us all our lives, whether it be friends, family, or classmates. When it's your grandmother you expect it a little more because you know that as she gets older she will begin to develop problems, many of which can not be cured or treated. Your uncle going in for a hip replacement dies unexpectedly of a brain anuerism and that is a total shock to your system. A classmate is being taken home from school by her boyfriend who blatenly runs a stop sign and kills her. SCARED is what you become when you're 16 years old! It never ends, death is immenant. It's impossible to avoid and it's happening all the time.
Tonight I lay here listening to the police scanner for the town in which I live. It's a nightly tradition that was started sometime ago while living with Colby, and it comforts me in some way. I can not sleep while listening to the radio, but for some reason I can sleep with this going. I don't really understand it either. I usually listen to see if my cousin happens to be working that night and sometimes its pretty interesting. I've heard him go on chases down alley's and you can hear him running and breathing...PRETTY COOL! He's pretty cool himself. My city is safe with him and a few others I know on the streets. Except tonight it was no police chase or drug bust or anything like that. There was a pedestrian hit on a busy street known as Wall Street. Sadness filled the air when I heard the officer tell the dispatcher that they needed to call the JP it was a fatality. Now mind you, Wall street is a 5 lane highway that during the day is impossible to walk or even think about running across, at night, the chances of you being seen by anyone is little to none. Sad part is that he probably wasn't seen or even recognized before the poor unfortunate soul hit him. Now, I would not like to be that other person in that car that will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I did hear the officer say that he was unresponsive and there were massive amounts of blood coming from his head. It's sad to know that a family is one family member less as of this evening. Seeing as this part of town is not a very good one...I can not speculate on where he was going or what business he was tending to, and will not post that here either, however, I can tell you that it may be very difficult for the family financially. I will keep them in my prayers tonight.
Colby has been dealing with being the bearer of bad news the past couple of days as he's taken someone's position who is also no longer with us. He's had to break the news of this gentleman's death to several suppliers, one of whom he said started crying. I have to say that if I found out that one of our good customers had passed away like that, I'm sure I would have a melt down too. I can only imagine. I don't even want to think about it.
Today is the day when we remember those who were lost, either by doing their jobs, or others trying to escape. It was a devastating blow to America as a whole and to the Americans that call this place home. America lost some of its finest, Police Officers, Firefighters, and other rescue workers. Those people gave their lives for others, which they were called to duty to do.
On this day I’m called to remember everyone, but someone I was chosen to remember. I can not find much on this fine man, but I’m sure he was married to a lovely lady who loved him very much as well, as he probably had children who loved him very much. His name is Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. He was 44, from New York, NY and he died trying to assist in the tragic event at the World Trade Center. Today we honor him for giving his life for others and doing it without even second guessing or hesitating. For this we honor you Lt. Margiotta. I’m sure you were New York’s finest, just out there doing your job. You probably impacted many lives and those people will be forever grateful.
I pray that on your journey home you were able to stand at the Pearly Gates of God’s Kingdom. Welcome home Lt.
Here is the Eulogy written for him by his brother Mike Margiotta:
According to Webster, "bravery" is defined as combining confidence with firm resolution in the presence of danger. "Courageous" however is more than brave! It adds a moral element. The courageous man steadily encounters perils to which he may be keenly sensitive at the call of duty. At no time do either of these definitions mention being fearless. Fearless is just the inability to recognize danger.
On September 11th, Chuck had fears…recognized them…called home…and then performed his job with Bravery and Courage; as did all our firefighters and police officers. We thank them all and love them all for being heroes every day.
I thought Chuck was a workaholic. If I told him I had 2 jobs…he would say, “What do you do with the rest of your time?” Chuck didn’t have a career…he had many careers. Along with the FDNY, private investigation and others, Chuck was also a substitute teacher working in the NYC Board of Ed. for 20 years.
They say you can’t mix business with pleasure. Chuck always found a way.
When Chuck was only 12 years old, I watched with amazement at his ability to juggle both. He went to Latourette golf course to fish for carp in one of the ponds. And I mean, literally standing in the pond. The pond was between a Tee off and a green. He would stand in the water fishing and then sell golfballs back to the golfers that didn’t clear the pond. Making money and fishing…Chuck’s perfect world.
Later in life, perhaps even surprising himself, Chuck turned into the perfect dad. His hobbies were planned around his family schedule. Soccer, softball, basketball, baseball…all came first. And not just seeing the games…oh no…Chuck coached his daughter and son in all the sports. Eventually Chuck took over as Director of basketball in this parish, St. Rita’s. His weekends were consumed with scheduling practices, games and tournaments. Through it all, Chuck still managed to plan family vacations, hunting and fishing trips with his buddies and lots of activities that would fulfill all his needs.
Chuck’s plate still wasn’t full. He lived one house away from his parents. He was a great son to his mother and father. He was the mule. Anything that involved a ladder or back breaking work was Chuck’s. Cleaning the gutters and plowing the neighborhood was his specialty. When the first snowflake fell, you knew it wouldn’t be long before you heard Chuck fire up the Toro snowplow! Then like kids looking for Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve, neighbors would run to their windows and throw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear but, Chuck with an orange hunting jump suit, smiling ear to ear.
Chuck was like a superhero to his kids. He was like a superhero to all of his family and friends. One can only imagine what he looked like through the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie. Chuck was larger than life. He was only 5’ 11”. He was not the 6 feet that he claimed he was. But when you met him, even if you looked down to him physically…you looked up to him in ways that you could not put your finger on. You left Chuck with a feeling that he was much bigger than he really was.