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    Thursday, November 20, 2008, 2:38 PM [General]

    You know, I used to be such a patient, calm, forgiving person.  But a few years ago it was taken away in a really bad situation, & I became bitter, mean & angry.  The problem was not that I went through the situation… it’s that I stayed in it.  I was raised to believe that self sacrifice was always the right thing to do, so that’s exactly how I handled it.  Had I known then what I know now I would have bailed on that situation for my own sake.  Now, I’m not saying that sacrificing the ego is a bad thing… but sacrificing one’s self to the point where everything good within is stolen is not healthy, & not worth the sacrifice.


    Recently I read about a common belief that expressing your anger is a good way of handling it, but that the belief is wrong.  Looking back over my own experience, I have to admit that I had to express my anger or else it would have consumed me.  However, I tried once to rid myself of anger by screaming & kicking plastic garbage cans.  No, that didn’t actually work.  But when I started expressing my anger by being proactive… acting like an adult, keeping my temper but making changes, being honest about the things that crossed me without attacking, drawing boundaries… things improved.  I didn’t allow the anger to make me explode, I allowed the anger to reinforce my resolve.  And slowly, the anger subsided… mostly.


    But the article also said that prevention is the key to not being angry.  Again, had I known then what I know now, I would have left that situation sooner.  It cost me way too much & I’ve had to work hard to get back to being my peaceful self.  I still have a fraction of the bitterness, anger & meanness now.  It’s been dormant for a while but has been challenged recently, which has brought to my attention the fact that I need to continue to work on it… so I can be that patient, calm, forgiving person again.


    Used to be that when someone tried to make me angry I could just roll my eyes & go on with life.  But I developed the ‘need’ to tell it like it is or hand back to the person that which they dished out.  Honestly, it does work with some people.  Few people.  Some others, not so much.  Either way, it’s beginning to make me feel ridiculous, & gives me no satisfaction at all.  Neither is it solving anything.


    Conclusion:  I feel like an ass.  Hee Haw!!!!  371d36d75e05eda735858f8e467be99c
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    Friday, September 26, 2008, 10:05 AM [General]

    Something has really been on my mind this week, concerning Love.  Many people act as if it is so delicate, but it's not.  Yes, it can be wounded, but there is nothing in this life that doesn't suffer.  Only that which has love remains without being destroyed or corrupted.  Love is the most powerful force, being the only force that CREATES life.  Physical forces are naturally in chaos until a will puts them in order.  The greatest of spiritual forces is Love.  Love is so strong, that when it is shared between 2 people it cannot be destroyed.... ever.  No matter the distant or the offense, love abides.  Love abides & takes on a life of its own, a will of it's own, & even those who love cannot control it.

    Anything resembling love that flees at the first sign of offense is not love.  Love is NOT delicate.

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    Something funny

    Tuesday, September 23, 2008, 2:12 PM [General]

    For the first time in my life I have nothing hanging over my head.  I have nothing pressuring me to accomplish something, to change something, to organize something.  I have nothing to do... everything is done.  Even as a kid I always had homework I was ignoring.  But right now all my projects I needed to do are done.  My bills are paid.  My house is furnished & clean.  My garden is taken care of.  Everything is done!  When did this happen! (Not that I'm complaining)371d36d75e05eda735858f8e467be99c
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    Tuesday, September 23, 2008, 2:06 PM [General]

    We hunkered down for hurricane Ike.  Before the sun went down the hummingbirds at my mother's house ate until the sun went down.  Then the hurricane came through during the night.  The next morning there was still wind, rain, new destruction... and hummingbirds.  How do they handle hurricanes I wonder.

    Anyway, after the winds died down during the day, my mother was walking in the yard with the dogs when she heard a chirp & saw some red flashing at her feet.  It was a hummingbird in the grass.  Apparently he had been wounded or something.  She picked him up & we put him in a potted plant up high so no other animals could get to him.  The next morning he was gone & there was no trace of him.  Then we noticed another hummer that didn't seem to be able to find the openings on the feeders.  She didn't seem to know how to eat.  I was pretty worried about her, because soon they will take off across the Gulf of Mexico.  But the next day we found a female dead near the feeders, & didn't see the one having problems anymore.  My mother put her in a tree so the dogs wouldn't eat her.

    We all hunkered down & rode out the storm together, us & those hummingbirds.  Now I feel a special connection to these tiny little birds that will most likely stay in my heart forever.  I feel sad because their populations at the feeders at both houses (mine & my mothers) are dwindling.  They are beginning to leave & I'm sure most will be gone in a few weeks.  I will miss them.  But I will clean my feeders & keep them ready for next year... and hope that there will be no hurricanes.

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    Saturday, September 20, 2008, 10:59 AM [General]

    Another thing I want to vent about... when I worked in Houston the company I worked for took care of their employees.  The company I work for now does not.  I have only been there a year, & I don't feel as if I've put in the time I need to, but I don't see me staying at this company until retirement.  They just don't take care of their employees.

    First off, they told me I could get as much overtime as I wanted when I was hired.  The next thing I knew I was being told they expected us to work 70 hours a week on a particular project.  Never happened thankfully.  But when I asked for overtime - because they were in a crunch - I was told that they would not allow anyone who got time & a half to work overtime.  You see, once you start making a certain amount, you get more time off, but you get straight time for anything oer 40 hours.

    And that brings me to point number two... time off.  When I got on with this company I had to eat 3 weeks of vacation & start over.  I did, simply because the rest of the package seemed nice & I was desperate to get home.  (The only things I loved about Houston were my job & the shopping, & that's not enough to fulfill a life.)  Now this hurricane has come through & since there was a mandatory evacuation the office was closed.  We have been offered a hardship loan by the company that they take out of our paychecks for the next ten pay periods.  Hey, sounds like they're taking care of they're employees, right?  Well, you have to use up all your vacation & sick time before you can get this loan.  What if people had plans for the holidays?  No vacation, you're screwed.  What if (like me) people had a surgery scheduled next month that would eat up all their sick time?  Too bad.  What if someone were to get really sick in the next month or two & they didn't have enough sick time or vacation to cover it?  Why can't they just offer the loan to people without having to use up their personal time?  Who cares what it's really for?  It's a loan that will be docked from their pay!  They're going to get their money back.

    Maybe I'm being naive.  Or maybe I just believe that people shoud take care of one another, especially in these times.  I ate the week.  I put my tax return & my tax rebate in the bank & I'll just use that to pay my bills.  I'm not using my sick time or my vacation for a company that screws their employees & makes empty promises.

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    I'm baaaaack

    Saturday, September 20, 2008, 10:43 AM [General]

    I've been at my parents house for the last week because of the hurricane.  They don't live but 50 miles from the coast but they are far from the storm surge, & since my place is in the storm surge I went there.  We didn't evacuate, mostly because they evacuated this place last & there was nowhere to go... all hotels were booked up from Oklahoma to Arkansas to Mississippi.  Since it was a Cat 2 we stayed.  I'm not sure if I want to do that again.  But since my parents had just had the house built, it was built to withstand most hurricanes in this area.  There was no major damage at my parents house nor at mine, thankfully.

    But my nerves are shot.  Try getting into a store in this area, or finding a restaurant.  Not to mention the week I had to spend at my parents house, sleeping on the couch.  It started getting to me so much that even their breathing got on my nerves.  When you get that irritated it's time to go.  I love them, but camping out on their house & staying there as a guest was exhausting.  I am home!  I am home at last!

    I'm only venting.  This hurricane stuff is tough on anybody, but really I know I am very blessed because there are so many people who lost so much.  God help them.

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    How to scare a good man away

    Wednesday, September 10, 2008, 8:19 AM [General]

    Ok, so I'm 32.  I'm 3rd generation only child & I've had an adult mentality all my life, even as a kid.  I am an ambitious woman who loves my job, which required an associates degree.  It's also a predominantly male field, but I hold my own & enjoy it.  I lived in a big city for a time & lost most of my southern accent.  I like to feel pretty, so I dress nicely everyday, but I keep it casual wearing jeans or shorts.  I'm thick, but I know I still look good, & I hold myself like I'm the finest woman in town.  If celebrities can, why can't I?  I seem a bit refined, but I cuss like a sailor (especially when driving) I drink often & I have a tatoo with plans of getting another.  I prefer living in a small town.  Oh, & I like all forms of rock, even heavy metal.  I grew up poor, but now am not, so I know both sides of the spectrum.  I am opinionated but still respect the opinions of others.  I'm honest & I hate games.  I have convictions, principles, & passions, & I don't compromise them.  I make it a point to be a good person, for my own sake, & since I want respect I do my best to give respect to others.

    Apparently these are the things that scare good men away.  If I were psycho, mean or needy I'm sure I could land a good man.  But since I'm a good woman, the good men run & I am stuck with the bitter, the crazy, the creepy & the old who want to be a father to me.  (I'm a grown woman & I don't need a father... got one, thanks anyway)

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    Tuesday, September 9, 2008, 10:28 AM [General]

    I'm just irritated.  My rational mind & my emotions are in conflict again.  But the thing is that they are both right.  My rational mind is telling me to be patient but my emotions are telling me not to set myself up to get crushed again.

    I was cynical about dating for a long time & guess what I got out of it... nothing but negativity.  So I decided to be positive, but that's taking a risk.  Last time I got crushed, & that was only a few weeks ago.  I'm taking another risk, but a little more careful this time.  The thing is that this man seems to be a mature adult who is not bitter towards women... something that is a rare find, trust me.  But I don't have a whole lot of confidence in it yet (even tho it's been good so far) & I don't want to invest too much into it, lest I get crushed again.

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    Pleasantly Surprised

    Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 5:05 PM [General]

    Something happened last week that made me feel so darn good.  I was at work & discussing the coming hurricane (as well as past hurricanes) with my coworkers.  I told them that I would be evacuating with my family, but if my mother pulled the same kind of stuff she did last time I'd have to take control of the situation & take care of things myself.  I did NOT want to go through the same garbage as we did with Rita.  When I said this to them, you know what they did?  They understood!!!  They didn't defend my mother & treat me like a stupid kid who doesn't know anything.  They actually sympathized with me because they are adults too dealing with parents who are strong willed.  This is the first time this has ever happened to me... ever.  It made me feel like I was actually a part of a group for a change.  Anyway, I talked to my mother & we made decent plans where we were both happy, but in the end we didn't need them... this time.  At least we're prepared for next time.


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    Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 4:54 PM [General]

    You know what really surprised me about the big city was that people there (at least the ones I knew) weren't as tolerant & open minded as the small town folks I grew up around.  I thought that going to the big city I would mingle among people who were caught up in the great big world & willing to talk about issues people in the small town don't bother to think or learn about.  I thought that living in the big city I would rub elbows with all kinds of different people you don't normally meet in the small town.  But that wasn't the case.  I found segregation, fear of people different than others, & fear of being politically incorrect.  (I mean, when I was in grade school I had friends of every color... and yes, they came over & spent the night, ate my family's food & in high school partied hard with me.)  People in the big city just wanted to talk about pets, restaurants, sales, shopping, sports, movies & tv (but nothing controversial.)  I was shocked & appalled... & totally bored.  I felt more isolated than I did in the small town I grew up in.  You see, in that small town people didn't really care what was going on outside of it.  I did.  I always did.  I loved looking past the small town, studying up on different cultures all over the world, & always wanted to meet new people.  But living in that part of that big city did not make my dream come true.

    What's funny is now that I'm back in my hometown I am able to discuss things openly with people & mingle among others who are different than me.  Sure, they still have the small town mentality, but as long as you're respectful about it, most people will listen to your opinion & actually consider it for a moment.  My next door neighbor & I are different colors, but what do I care!  We both love plants, we're both single women & we both watch out for each other... like neighbors are supposed to.  (I don't care if she was mint green... she loves plants so she's cool in my book!)  You know, things like that were never much of an issue to me until I moved to the big city.  It's no wonder I didn't fit in there.  I'm so glad to be back.  I feel less like a droid & more like a real human!

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