you know how sometimes everything can seem to be going so great, and then all of a sudden, it all flips around to something else.  like someone just opened the big old gloomy rain cloud over the top of your head and no matter where you go, you're drenched and soggy, wishing that you had an umbrella, or better yet a force field.  sometimes i just feel so helpless i don't know what to do with myself.  i feel like that rain cloud is just pouring down on me, washing all my self-esteem away, and all i can do is sit there and let it happen.  i don't even have the strength or desire to stop it.  i don't even want to move.   i don't want to deal with the crying baby's teething issues.  i don't want to do the dishes anymore, the laundry, the housework.  i don't even want to smile at anyone, or say hello, or even make eye contact with my friends.  i don't want to walk to the store.  i don't want to hear that voice in my head saying, it's okay, just give it over to the lord.

what i do want to do is sit down and cry until i can't take it anymore.  i want to smoke a cigarette.  i want to... i just want to go to sleep all day long and forget about everything.  i want to forget my life.  i want something to just give.  i want to walk out in the middle of the highway and let a semi crush my bones.  i want someone to notice i am hurting on the inside and just give me a hug and let me cry all over them.  i want that person to be my husband.  i want to know why all of the sudden i am so depressed i can't stand myself.  i want to know if this will all go away some day?

what am i supposed to do with these feelings?  what lesson is god trying to teach me right now?  to give it over to him like that little voice keeps saying?  to let him forgive me for these awful, terrible thoughts i am having, and just to forget them, like he says we should do.  if i do confess them, i have to live beyond them and forget them, because to remind yourself of your sin after you confess it is an offense to god.  something a lot of people don't get.  you have to take the forgivness, and live as though that is not a part of your life.  but, can i let go yet?  or will i just be asking god's favor for no reason right now?  i am so swallowed up in this depression, it has such a hold on me, i don't want to ask god to take it from me, if i can't really let it go yet.

do i just give it a few more days and hope it will wear off?

i wish there was someone out there who could answer all these questions for me, tell me what's wrong with me...  but i guess it is something i have to work out for myself...

sometimes, i just wish for something different.  it's not that i have a bad life, or a bad family, or anything.  but, i need a great change to come upon me.  i need to make a new friend, or to hear some different music, or to watch something new on the news besides the dang election or this hurricane or that hurricane. 

sometimes, i wonder if it is wise to pray for yourself?  i know that prayer works, but as the result of praying for change, you get change in ways you didn't know were coming.  maybe i screwwed up with what i was asking for for my husband and his kids, because he got them, but now he's missing his friends that he used to have when he was with his "ex".  every time she comes around, he backpedals that way.  i should know this.  and now he seems just as depressed as i do, so he's not even being helpful for me.  it's just that i feel like i am keeping him from being happy right now, just because i am here.  and, i'm pregnant again, so i can't leave without that guilt, but i feel like i shouldn't stay and he could just have all the things he wants.  but he says he wants me.  so what should i really do anyway?

and when he's feeling bad, he talks to me like i'm not part of him, like i'm just some stupid outsider who doesn't know anything about how he's feeling.  and, of course, when you're upset inside yourself, no one else's problems matter to you at all.  i have to accept that, and realize he can't possibly be there for me right now, no matter how bad i need him.  maybe god is already working it out, it's just going slow.  maybe the light will shine on both of us at the same time and we'll be alright.  i just hate feeling so lonely when my life is so full of people.  i feel bad about myself because i don't want to be everyone else's rock right now.  i want my own damn rock.

if i could pray for anything right now, it would just be strength.  i need strength, and i need inner healing to lift the burdens i am putting on myself.  i am hurting my own feelings, i think.  over-thinking the situation.  making mountains from mole-hills.  that one stone that got cast into the lake of me, made so many ripples that the banks are overflowing and erosion of myself is taking place.  that is the best way to describe it.

perhaps i have a bit of the empath in me.  because when others around me are down, i go down with them.  it's like i can't seperate myself from them.  and maybe the pregnancy is making that worse for me.  i don't know... all the hormones and everything.  but, i've always kind of had that problem.  his depression is rubbing off on me, because i want to help and i can't, and i can't understand why he doesn't want my help anyway.  but i know the things that are bothering him probably don't have anything to do with me.  and i should just keep reminding myself that there's nothing i can do, and whatever happens because of his depression is his choice that he must make for himself.  it's not that he hates me, it's just that he's going to act in whatever way he feels he needs to act.  and i have to quit being weak about it, and be strong for myself, because the backlashes hurt me, and i can't let that get to me right now.  i have to think of the baby.  i can't be stressing myself out and putting the baby at risk.  and i know i have been asking myself if this baby is a mistake, if it's what he really wants at all, but i have to stop that, because that is tearing me up inside, and making me think crazy.

i just wish god would give me one sign of what i am supposed to do.  or how i am supposed to do it.  because i don't want to jeopardize our relationship with my own insecurities, and i don't want to harm the baby with this state of self-hatred i am in.  it's like i need a way to feed my soul.

-heron