To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

Go on, roll on the floor and laugh, you know you want to!

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was
> burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.  He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned
> all he could. 
>
> When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.  When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
>
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."  This equaled an A. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

Well, I just heard a couple of risqué ones, but I'll relate 'em, anyway:

"What is a woman's favorite thing to come out of a penis?"

The wrinkles.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A bear sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender said, "We don't serve bears alcohol at the bar."
The bear slammed his fist down on the bar; at the other end of the bar, a woman began to curse loudly, uttering scathing words about the bear, the bartender, her ex-husband, her current boyfriend, the state of the world, etc., until she trailed off into general grumbling.

The bear turned his attention back to the bartender.  "Ok, no drink; how 'bout a burger?  Will you bring me a burger to eat?"

The bartender said "We don't serve bears food OR drink at the bar."

The bear slammed his paw on the bar again, and shouted, "Dammit!"

The woman at the other end of the bar began to run her mouth again.

The bear got up, went to the woman, killed her, ate her, then returned to his seat at the bar, glaring at the bartender.

In a minute or two, groggily, the bear began to complain of being extremely drowsy and sleepy, uncoordinated, etc.

The bartender replied, "I ain't surprised; that was the bar bitch you ate!"

(barbituate, for those of us slower on the uptake)

*grin*

Warmest regards-

Hatman

Hi Everyone, 
 
       I just want to 
       thank all of you for your educational e-mails over 
       the past year. I am totally screwed up now 
       and have little chance of recovery. 
 
   I no longer 
        open a public bathroom 
door without using a paper towel 
or have them 
       put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the 
       bacteria on the lemon peel. 
 
      I can't use the 
        remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the 
last person was 
       doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 
 
I can't sit 
        down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what 
has happened on 
       it since it was last washed. 
 
      I have trouble 
       shaking hands with someone who has been driving 
       because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking 
        ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number 
one spot). 
 
       Eating a little 
        snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine 
how many gallons of 
       trans fats I have consumed over the years. 
 
       I can't touch 
       any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the 
       floor of a public bathroom. 
 
       I MUST SEND MY 
       SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop 
       in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet 
       sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  
       ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open 
       for the same reason. 
 
I no longer 
        have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl 
(Penny Brown) who 
       is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. 
 
       I no longer 
        have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the 
$15,000 
        that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for 
participating in their special 
       e-mail program. 
 
       I no longer 
        worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out 
for 
       me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. 
 
       I no longer eat 
       KFC because their chickens are actually horrible 
       mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. 
 
       I no longer use 
        cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water 
buffalo on a 
       hot day. 
 
        THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered 
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish 
within five minutes. 
 
       BECAUSE OF YOUR 
       CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can 
       remove toilet stains. 
 
       I no longer can 
       buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a 
       serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. 
 
       I no longer 
        drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make 
these products are 
       atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. 
 
       I no longer use 
       Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes 
       cancer.  
       AND THANKS FOR 
        LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave 
anymore 
       because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life. 
 
       I no longer 
        check the coin return on pay phones because I could 
be pricked with a needle 
       infected with AIDS. 
 
       I no longer go 
 to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume 
sample 
       and rob me. 
 
       I no longer 
        receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are 
actually Al Qaeda in 
       disguise. 
 
       I no longer 
       shop at Target since they are French and don't support 
       our American troops or the Salvation Army. 
 
       I no longer 
       answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number 
        for which I will get a phone bill with calls 
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . 
 
       I no longer buy 
        expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now 
have their recipe. 
 
       THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a 
         big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause  me  instant death 
       when it bites my butt. 
 
       AND THANKS TO 
       YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped 
       in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a 
       sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. 
 
       I can no longer 
       drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! 
 
       I can't do any 
       gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the 
       brown recluse and my hand will fall off. 
 
       If you don't 
        send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 
minutes, a 
        large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. 
tomorrow 
        afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, 
causing 
       you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it 
       actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's 
       ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .  
       Oh, by the 
       way.....  
       A German 
       scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, 
       has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
       read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. 
 
       Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 
 
   Thank you.