Level 5 Member
Wednesday, December 22, 2010, 9:19 PM
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS :
(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Monday, December 20, 2010, 7:04 PM
How did my day go?
Well, am wearing my Christmas Tie, the one where a Reindeer accidentally ran over Santa Clause on the Ski Slopes. I get lots of good compliments on that, so will wear it until Christmas Day.
A Co-worker called in sick, so I pushed/pulled a 300# bed (with only a 50# patient) by myself!
Andre came in but not in Jacket, so I asked him If he was working today, his response "what's it to you?!". I argue with a full-timer about a coffee pot she says was dirty from last night. The catch is, I always get in before her and I SAW someone brew just fresh hot water. People are gathering in the office, even those that don't work there (office Christmas Party- "free food"). I see a "trip ticket", grab it fast and say aloud, "I gotta go before I kick someone's ass". Andre pipes up and says "Are you talking to me?" I yell from the hallway, "IF I'm talking to you, you'll know it" and storm off.
I get a trip ticket to go from Lobby to OR. I pick up the Patient in a wheelchair. Get to 5H (the destination) and the nurse says the patient isn't supposed to be there. I argue, the patient argues, I show the nurse my trip ticket. She says "But who called?" - I replied, " I'm not the dispatcher, I'm the taxi" and I storm out!
Got 2 more trip tickets while most of my coworkers are playing typical government employees, sitting on their asses and stuffing their faces! I take the one patient in my typical cheerful attitude to Echocardiogram. I check him in and another patient says "what about me? I'm ready to go!" I say, I don't have your ticket, Sir." He says, "but you're Patient Escort". So I leave, ignoring "Mr. You Will BE My Personal Valet"!
In "Aftercare" class, one of today's "graduates" drones on and on. The Facilitator asks us to mention our favorite Christmas song, (The Usual Cr@p), so I respond "Chipmunks roasting by an open fire" www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3M7IR6jkpc I also mention that - "My non-bashful niece asks me 'What are you getting me for Christmas?' and I reply 'What did I get you last year?', Her reply is 'nothing', to which I reply ' I'm getting you the same thing' "
So, I get home, I'm having a beer but not getting drunk, and BNet Moderator kicked out my post in a debate forum because I called someone a "Paper Pusher". I argue with him and keep trying to posts as he deletes - to no avail!
So, my FB status now says:
"It's not a @#$$ Good Day to reach out to me, for I'll bite your arm off and not even apologize!"
Wednesday, December 8, 2010, 4:43 PM
Wednesday, December 8, 2010, 3:58 PM
For a reason to hold on, again. grrr!
Monday, December 6, 2010, 6:52 PM
Troops, Fathers, Mothers, Brothers, Sisters, Nieces and Nephews, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN! COME HOME SAFE. This song goes out to you.Celebrate Me Home -Troops.