Tuesday, November 29, 2011, 1:48 PM
I made a decision yesterday and it was a very painful decision because in making the decision I had to let go of someone very, very close to me. (My Mother) The relationship was TOXIC!
Toxic relationships are defined by a pattern of destructive criticism, manipulating, bitterness, negative attitudes and a history of verbal or physical abuse. Maybe your partner puts you down in front of other people, you’re thoughts and opinions are discredited, you’re made to constantly feel stupid and like a child. The wild turbulence and all the energy that often goes into these relationships can exhaust you physically, emotionally and mentally. Another point to understand here is that toxic relationships never improve by themselves. You could try and understand what their feelings are about you and why they treat you the way that they do, but you could end up just spinning your wheels in frustration. My advice is to remove yourself from negative relationships. You have every right to determine whom you do, and do not, want to associate with. Every single person has the ability to make choices based on their ideals and attitudes. If you find that you always feel like garbage after hanging out with a particular group of people, then DON’T ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE PEOPLE. If you’re finding that your family gatherings are incredibly stressful cling to the one family member that you do enjoy and care about. Have the attitude that maybe this is just a yearly thing so all you have to do is survive it. You also can choose to not attend family gatherings where participants are going to be hostile with yourself and one another. Once you fail to show up at more and more gatherings, people may start to realize how they’ve been acting and reach out to you. If not, then who cares? It’s ok to let go of them. Remember that you always have the power to choose and the person who is going to help you the most is………..you allthingsdepression.com/2011/02/toxic-re...
It was toxic because every time I left the company of my mother I left feeling bad about myself, unloved, unwanted and depressed. I know, your thinking but that's your Mom. While do Moms have the right to leave you feeling worthless and depressed for days after talking to them?
I should have been out of that relationship and cut my ties long time ago.
But what if it isn't that easy! What happens if the person is as close to you as a person can get. A relative. Blood of your blood, bone of your bone.
And it's really not easy if you grew up thinking and being lead to believe that "YOU ARE THE PROBLEM."
You know it really doesn't work well when you have a group of supportive people who validate your worth on a daily basis and your self esteem as grown so much that you have learned to set boundries.
Before meeting these group of people my self-esteem was really, really low. I grew up being told that I wasn't nothing (actually he used the other word), wouldn't be nothing, and wouldn't amount to nothing! (My Step-father)
So consequently, I sabotaged anything good that can into my life because I didn't think I was worth it.
It's different today!
I met a group of people who loved me until I learned to love myself. I had a sponsor who told me to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself that I loved myself.
I still suffer from depression (which is anger turned inward) and I have learned how not to stay in it to long. I write a graditude list.
I also call that sponsor who tells me "Do Yourself A Favor, Stay Out Of Your Head and Leave Yourself Alone."
She also taught me to go where the love is not where it isn't (meaning associate with people who love and care about you and leave the others alone).
You know these people have little slogans like "Keep It Simple Stupid" , "Take It Easy", One Day At A Time."
And they tell you things like "Stop Doing the Same Thing Expecting Different Results."
But most of all they taught me that when I get into a relationship to make a decision of whether or not I can except that person for being just the way they are (with all their character defects) and not go into the realtionship trying to change them or thinking one day they will change because they may never change and if you can't except them for being just the way they are right now today leave them alone.
Don't come cry'in about what someone did to you but look at your part in it. What did you do to cause the reaction from that person? Always look at me!
What I realize in toxic relationships is that I can never be me. I am unable to express who I am. The other person is constantly trying to change me. You don't do this right! You said the wrong thing! Don't look like that look like this!
Oh Lord! It's just to much. I know who I am today. I know my likes and dislikes and I like me.
And evidently you don't cause your constantly trying to change me!
So I had to say good-bye to toxic and save myself from continuous pain. Because one thing pain will do and that is motivate you to change.
Here's a quote that I liked I thought I would end my post with
Healthy love must be nurturing. It is not only about what you are, who you are now- but what you may become. The potential of the human spirit for growth, love and awareness. Therefore, for me, love is about unlocking the potential of the other- not stymieing it with judgment. Instead nurturing. It is an awareness of your beloveds potential. I have seen relationships where one or both people are choked - where their love has become an albatross- an antidote to the fear of being alone not a mysterious adventure. To often humans judge and judge and judge - nothing more is this than extension of ego- destroying communication and cutting off the vitality needed in a healthy relationship. My answer to this is thanks, but no thanks.