Every now and then there comes a time when a person has to step back and take a good long look, at what matters most. I did that today and I wanted to share.
I've been married to the devil for over quarter of a century. He ignores me. When we're full of love and think forever can indeed last a lifetime, it's so easy to slip on that dress and say those vows thinking forever is do-able and Mr. Right, truly does exist.
However, in taking those vows till death us do part I can tell you that in a bad marriage, there are a lot of ways to die. After awhile you go numb, because you're just not worth anything anymore, in the eyes of that one who made you feel like a million dollars once upon a time and long ago. After awhile the anger boils over, because it has to have somewhere to go instead of harboring inside with no where else to spill. And so it is.
The wisdom says, if you're strong enough to stay in a bad relationship, you're strong enough to leave. And that when the pain of the problem outweighs the pain of it's solution, you'll decide which pain is worth the longest amount of suffering based on your own sense of self-worth.
All true, I expect. However, whoever coined the wisdom probably didn't take into account my life, or how much I have amounts to so little chance of getting out. Sure, I could chuck it all and just drive down the road, never looking back. But I have a no kill cat sanctuary (with one rescued dog) that depend on me. And it's not easy to uproot and transport so many, to run away so far to who knows what.
I've lived with myself for quite awhile and I know me very well. I can be a total asshole, while wearing the title "Bitch" with pride, when someone else gives it a name. (B.abe I.n T.otal C.ontrol of H.erself )
Unfortunately, the gangs of bullies on this site have pushed my buttons to the point the full on asshole in me has posted front and center. The bullies, and there are many here and they run in gangs, which is why I was inspired to post articles about bullies and gangs from the news. So that they'd maybe see their potential, in real life, when they act like that on board.
They know who they are. Some claim to be older, but the way they target and attack says otherwise. But trolls and flame baiters are part of the net, so it's not surprising they'd find their way here where belief in them unfortunately also amounts to tolerance for.
To those good people who I have offended with my rising to the bait, and being the front and center asshole in my own right, by my own choice of words, I apologize. Those who call me a bigot, are so, so they don't matter much because they don't know me. They don't know the bloods that run in my veins, the colors that abound in my family, the activist movements I've marched with, lobbied for and committed to. And likely, they'd never believe it even if they did.
To the Politically Correct obsessives, who worship at the altar of fear to speak for fear of offending anyone with ears, grow up! And grow out of the constraints that "they" whomever that may be, barking the orders; YOU CAN'T SAY THAT, afford your manner of speech. Because when someone tells you you can't say that, because the world isn't ready to hear it, or accept it or be tolerant of it, while expecting you to tolerate an admonition to self-censorship, they're sending a subtle communication that you should also infer thinking that way isn't acceptable either. Because very often we give word to thoughts.
Truth is truth. Don't ever let anyone make you live a lie, so as to be in keeping with the status quo or PC BS. PC is what put chains around humans and made them slaves for a lifetime. Railing against that kind of PC BS, is what broke those chains and freed a people, as what ended in full on activism, began with the thought that it was time.
Live your life, as if you're worth reaching your dreams. Faith is one thing, promising after life beyond the flesh, but you don't know if that's true. You just hope it is. So since this is the only one sure chance you know you have to live your life, do it! Reach for your dreams, be true to yourself, speak your mind even if your voice shakes! Maggie Kuhn, the founder of the gray panthers said that, and in so doing gave senior citizens a pro-active platform for self defense and dignity, facing a political machine that otherwise didn't really care if they withered up and died. It takes guts to be free!
So, thank you if you've read me this far. I appreciate your tolerance. I appreciate even the bullies, because you showed me how far I have to go yet, in not paying deficit personalities any mind. And how deeply depressed I am in a bad marriage, when I become like unto you, in order to rise to the bait you set out.
I believe life serves the individual. This life is all about "me". (you) Everything that happens is a lesson, as to how far I've come and how far I have yet to go. I don't know it all, but I know enough to realize I'm not wanted here and indeed I don't want to be here amid the chaos, that I contribute to I admit, and the hate. (ditto)
I wish everyone peace, believe it or not. Because before this forum, I lived in peace, though I live in hell too. But he's not often home, so there is a paradise where I can breathe at least. The holy days are approaching, so may all have great bounty upon their table, joy in their heart, gifts aplenty beneath the tree of life and love, passion, happiness and dreams alight on the path to your futures.
To the veterans on board, thank you for coming home. Thank you for thinking we were worth the risk.
To the Moderators, thank you for your patience and your edit. When you knew better, when I knew only flame and general pissed-offedness. (Yes, it's a word now. )
I know this isn't a right place to post this piece, but I didn't know if it would get attention anywhere else. And I didn't just want to disappear. I've done enough of that being a Mrs. .
Goodbye and be well.