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Switch to Forum Live View New Muslim's Questions on Marriage
8 years ago  ::  Nov 11, 2009 - 4:08PM #1
Posts: 3
I was raised in a Christian home, and the first exposure I had to Islam was when I was accepted into an advanced high school, an early college. A large percentage of the school was Muslim, and the religion interested me. I read about it, and it sounded... perfect. I read the Qur'an, and it was the most beautiful and enlightening experience I have ever had.

My family is now becoming more supportive of the idea of my faith, but I am still faced with a dilemma.. How will I find someone suitable for marriage? I am not looking right now, but down the road, what would the best way to go about it? My parents would try their best, I believe, but they have no experience in this, and have no connections in the Muslim community. I myself have very few. I want to find a good Muslim man, whose faith is strong. I want to find a smart, kind-hearted man, the kind of man I could spend my life happily with, being the best wife I could be for him. I am happy leaving it up to Allah, and I know that what is best for me will happen. But I know there are certain procedures to follow, and would like some advice. But, I also have another problem.

When I was about ten, a neighbor raped me, so I am not a virgin. But, other than that, I have not had sexual relations with anyone. I have read that there is no "sin" placed on the victim in Islam, but how do others look at it? I am not "pure."

Besides having a very strong faith, I am a very kind and honest person. I am very smart, and feel that I would have a lot to offer a man. I am just.. hesitant to ask my sisters these questions, as I am afraid they will look at me differently.

Any answers at all would be greatly appreciated.
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8 years ago  ::  Nov 12, 2009 - 9:36AM #2
Posts: 882

Assalamualaikum wr wb dear sister,   

Welcome to the Forum

well given your qualities sister, it shouldn't be too hard for you at all to find a good muslim man so inshALlah dont worry and one will be along soon

whoever comes into Islam and no matter what type of sins they may have commited; once they enter islam all their past sins are forgiven so they are considered by the muslims to be pure, and you have not even commited fornication or anything like that and it weren't your fault you got raped [hope the devil who done that got punished!] so there is all the more reason to consider you as being pure and not tarnished with henious sins at all, so dont worry about this sister and i am sure when you tell your new husband about it he will understand and not look at you in a bad way; rather I think he will want to comfort you for this nightmare ordeal you have gone through when you were just a child

If there are any muslims in your area or if you have a local mosque then I think it will be a good thing sister to get in touch with other muslim sisters and tell them your desire to marry and inshALlah they may have knowledge of suitable brothers for you or they may actively try and seek out someone compatiable for you

ALso sister you may try some muslim matrimonial agencies or online Muslims marriage sites [where one seeks suitable marraige partners] and inshALlah you may find a good practicing muslim man through them

it is said that one's spouse is pre-destined for one so as long as you take these necassary steps of seeking out a husband inshALlah then it shouldn't be too long before your dream is realised!

Basically the way to go about seeking a husband will be for you to get aquainted via a third party [other muslims or good friends, etc] to a man who is reputed to be good, or if you know of any muslim man you like then you can send them a message via a friend or someone to see if he is interested, but any meeting you have with him has to be with a third person present or you both can get to know one another via emails, letters, phone calls etc, and basically both of you being alone together, or any 'intimate' [of a sexual nature]  talk before marriage should be avoided 


All the best sister and may ALlah have in store a brilliant future for you ahead, ameen 

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8 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2009 - 7:36AM #3
Posts: 1,430

Assalamu `alaykum sister,

Welcome to the Islam forum :)

There are many different ways you can find a spouse. Sometimes, it occurs naturally. For e.g. you happen to meet a co-worker, fellow student, friend of a friend, etc, etc. and you like the person. So then you both inquire about each other, get to know each other, realize you would be a good match and... voila! you have a new spouse.

Sometimes a friend will think..."oh you know, I know this brother that would be a great match for you ... blah blah..." so you meet him, you get to know him, you both think you'd be a great match and... voila! you have a new spouse :)

At other times, you will want to start actively looking for a spouse so you will "spread the word" at the mosque, with your friends, etc. that you're looking for a spouse.

Something that I really need to stress out is to take your time to get to know the person. By "get to know the person" I don't mean you DATE the person! With your wali, or a trusted person, you can meet with the potential suitor and ask all kinds of questions (like the ones at the top of this board).

Finally, regarding what happened to you when you were a child... I'd love to tell you that everything will be fine, but I think I'd be lying to you. In reality, any man with an average level of education will be more than fine with it, and in fact very sympathetic to you! In fact, you're a survivor, and that's something to be appreciated. He will admire your strength of you overcoming the situation.

However, there are unfortunately many men who are usually not so well educated (by education I don't mean simply going to college, I mean a rounded education) and who have a strong cultural bias who might not feel good about it. If that should happen, just simply turn around... and pray that insha'Allah God will guide these kind of people :)

Much love,


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8 years ago  ::  Nov 14, 2009 - 10:05PM #4
Posts: 3

Thank you both, so much! Your replies have honestly made me much more comfortable with everything, and looking forward much more to my future.

It was nice to hear from both genders' perspectives.

I knew that there would probably be at least some men who would look down on anyone who had any sort of sexual history, whether it be consensual or not. It is nice to know that they won't all look down on it, and insha'Allah that I will find the person I am supposed to be with and it will work out.

I have decided that the best path for me will begin with charity and kindness, so insha'Allah I am going to visit Palestine the summer after next (when I will become a registered nurse), and help to the best of my abilities. I hope to share what Allah has blessed me with, whether it be my talents, money, or resources, with those who desperately need it.

Thank you, Ceren and Abdullah. I have much respect for both of your opinions and hope for the best for both of you.


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