Post Reply
5 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2009 - 4:58PM #1
alliegirl
Posts: 4
Salam Alikeum.

I have posted here before about an issue with the man I am in love with and want to marry.  I decided to wait until he got his divorce finalized so we could start our life together without haram. NOW... I have made a mistake and don't know what to do.

Here is the story... I was married twice before to muslim men.  My first marriage was when I was young (19) and we didn't really get the chance to know one another. Not to mention that at the time, I was not Muslim and did not want to convert.  So, it ended in a very peacful divorce.  My second marriage was after I reverted to Islam and failed because he commited a sex offense. I have children with both husbands, and maintained a very good relationship with them for the sake of the children.  My last ex husband and I are particularily close because he lives in the same town as I do.

What I have been doing is talking about my relationship issues with my ex husband.  So, he knows very  private information that he should not know because I told him.  When I say private, l don't mean sex.  Don't get me wrong.  It is like financial issues, and the fact that this man is still married and wanted to have mutah marriage with me.

Because my ex husband cares about me and his daughter that I am caring for, when I told him about the mutah marriage idea, he asked to speak to this man like my brother.  I agreed.  However, he let out everything that I had ever said to him.  Now, the man I love feels betrayed.  He feels he cannot trust me and is now considering breaking things off with me because of this.

I have admitted that I made a mistake.  I apologized and told him I would not do it again.  I have told him that I knew I should not have been doing it at the time, and it was very inappropriate, but it seems none of this is helping.  I feel that everyone makes mistakes and that if you really love someone, they deserve another chance.  But he feels that he cannot trust me.  He feels that if he puts his trust in me again, that I will fail.  He is worried that since I have been doing this for about 6 months now and hiding it from him, that I can hide other things, etc.

I don't blame him, and I coompletely understand his concern.  But, I was hoping some of you would be able to come up with something for me to tell this man and bring him back around.  Any takers??
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2009 - 4:58PM #2
alliegirl
Posts: 4
Salam Alikeum.

I have posted here before about an issue with the man I am in love with and want to marry.  I decided to wait until he got his divorce finalized so we could start our life together without haram. NOW... I have made a mistake and don't know what to do.

Here is the story... I was married twice before to muslim men.  My first marriage was when I was young (19) and we didn't really get the chance to know one another. Not to mention that at the time, I was not Muslim and did not want to convert.  So, it ended in a very peacful divorce.  My second marriage was after I reverted to Islam and failed because he commited a sex offense. I have children with both husbands, and maintained a very good relationship with them for the sake of the children.  My last ex husband and I are particularily close because he lives in the same town as I do.

What I have been doing is talking about my relationship issues with my ex husband.  So, he knows very  private information that he should not know because I told him.  When I say private, l don't mean sex.  Don't get me wrong.  It is like financial issues, and the fact that this man is still married and wanted to have mutah marriage with me.

Because my ex husband cares about me and his daughter that I am caring for, when I told him about the mutah marriage idea, he asked to speak to this man like my brother.  I agreed.  However, he let out everything that I had ever said to him.  Now, the man I love feels betrayed.  He feels he cannot trust me and is now considering breaking things off with me because of this.

I have admitted that I made a mistake.  I apologized and told him I would not do it again.  I have told him that I knew I should not have been doing it at the time, and it was very inappropriate, but it seems none of this is helping.  I feel that everyone makes mistakes and that if you really love someone, they deserve another chance.  But he feels that he cannot trust me.  He feels that if he puts his trust in me again, that I will fail.  He is worried that since I have been doing this for about 6 months now and hiding it from him, that I can hide other things, etc.

I don't blame him, and I coompletely understand his concern.  But, I was hoping some of you would be able to come up with something for me to tell this man and bring him back around.  Any takers??
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2009 - 8:20PM #3
Ceren
Posts: 1,430
Assalamu `alaykum alliegirl,

Oh sis I'm so sorry to hear about this troubles you're having.  I think you're in a tough situation and I wish I could have any useful advice but I don't :(

Just one thing... do you think he's mostly hurt because:
a. You told intimate things to a male
b. The male happened to be your ex-husband
c. You told someone intimate things (i.e. it's the same thing whether it's a man or a woman).

I think that, depending on things, it can take a long time for him to let go of this.

So some of the things I would do are:

a. Explain to him that you don't have a lot of Muslim acquaintances (I'm assuming that's the case) and that you have no wali and that you took your ex-husband as your wali. And that in reality, you needed to do this because you don't have anyone to look after your rights as a Muslim woman. For e.g. mutah marriage is haram, so you really needed to ask someone to know about this, so how else would you have known this if you hadn't asked? (I'm assuming you're sunni, please forgive me if I'm wrong)

b. Ask him what he wants from you. Tell him that in the future, you usually would like someone to discuss some of your problems with, that that is a regular thing. So, would he be OK with this? Who would he be OK with you confiding in, etc?

c. You can also tell him that it's not like you hid things from him, but you don't tell him every little thing you do, the same way I'm sure you are not aware of who he has been talking to and about what

d. Tell him that you want to make this work and that you're in no rush. That if he's willing to give you a chance, that you both can take things slow until he feels comfortable trusting you again. And honestly, this I think could be a blessing because it just shows that there are things that you still need to discuss and know about each other. So in a sense, this "screw up" could be an excellent opportunity to discuss how are you going to handle your own friendships, what things are off-bounds, what aren't and get an agreement. Everyone is different and you need to negotiatie your own terms.

Finally (but most importantly!!), pray to God to guide you, to soften the heart of your husband-to-be.  You're gonna make lots of mistakes during your marriage, and he is gonna make lots too. So... forgiving and moving on is definitely a good excercise!

All the best sis,
Ceren
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 3:42AM #4
sazaj36
Posts: 331
Just a thought I had...are you sure your the one hes actually mad at here. I mean sure hes upset with you for betraying his trust etc...but look at it from another point of view. He tried to convince you to engage in mutah marriage...which is haram...and you discussed this with your ex and he went to discuss it with the potential future husband. Maybe this guy is upset you told that particular bit of news...in other words...made him look rather sneaky or unIslamic in the eyes of another Muslim man...just a thought.

I realize you have some blame here...its not always wise to discuss personal things with others...especially when those others are exhusbands...but also realize there may be more here than meets the eye. As a Muslim he should be willing to forgive you (with time to regain trust etc) because as Muslims we are meant to be forgiving...and this doesnt sound like a deal breaker to me...its not like you deliberately set out to betray him or hurt him....we all need someone to talk to that isnt emotionally involved with our problems sometimes. Just a thought.
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 12:37PM #5
alliegirl
Posts: 4
Yes.  I have seen the light of everything now.  It is heart breaking, but it is the truth.  He lied to me as well.  I have seen now that his purpose was only to play with my heart and hurt me.  I have ended the entire relationship with him and am now licking my wounds.  It will take time, but with Allah's help, I will heal and find the person that really deserves my heart and love.  Thank you ladies!  Allah bless you!
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 2:08PM #6
Ceren
Posts: 1,430

alliegirl wrote:

Yes. I have seen the light of everything now. It is heart breaking, but it is the truth. He lied to me as well. I have seen now that his purpose was only to play with my heart and hurt me. I have ended the entire relationship with him and am now licking my wounds. It will take time, but with Allah's help, I will heal and find the person that really deserves my heart and love. Thank you ladies! Allah bless you!


Assalamu `alaykum sis,
Sorry to hear that but at least I guess I'm happy you discovered things sooner than later.

And I do pray you will find someone who's deserving of you. May God makes this time of healing easy for you.

All the best,
Ceren

Quick Reply
Cancel
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook