I've recently started meditating again. My meditation practice has been undertaken in fits and starts, mainly because I keep hitting the same wall...so to speak.

Every time I start a meditation practice, several hours after I've meditated, and for the next few days, I end up becoming angry. Very angry and rageful, and just downright mean to other people.  After I stop my meditation practice, I'm fine. But no matter what, when I try to restart my meditation practice, it happens all over again.

So far, I've gotten the same response from dharma teachers, sangha members and therapists. I need to sit down and analyze/look at these feelings. So I do. And all that comes up is that I really hate people. I can't stand people, or the way they act. 

I don't want to be a mean, angry, hateful, person...so I'm looking for help and any advice people can give me. I'm still new to my meditation practice. Since it's been an on-off again relationship, I've not been able to deepen my relationship with it as I would like.

~ Khlara

Mar 3, 2012 -- 1:54PM, khlara wrote:

I've recently started meditating again. My meditation practice has been undertaken in fits and starts, mainly because I keep hitting the same wall...so to speak.

Every time I start a meditation practice, several hours after I've meditated, and for the next few days, I end up becoming angry. Very angry and rageful, and just downright mean to other people.  After I stop my meditation practice, I'm fine. But no matter what, when I try to restart my meditation practice, it happens all over again.

So far, I've gotten the same response from dharma teachers, sangha members and therapists. I need to sit down and analyze/look at these feelings. So I do. And all that comes up is that I really hate people. I can't stand people, or the way they act. 

I don't want to be a mean, angry, hateful, person...so I'm looking for help and any advice people can give me. I'm still new to my meditation practice. Since it's been an on-off again relationship, I've not been able to deepen my relationship with it as I would like.

~ Khlara

One method of destroying anger is to practise Metta meditation:

mahamakuta.inet.co.th/english/b-way%2813...
A BUDDHIST WAY
OF
MENTAL TRAINING

by

Ven. Phra Tepvisuddhikavi
(Pichitr Thitavanno)
Lord Abbot of Wat Somanasvihara

and

Ex-Vice Rector for Academic Affairs,
Lecturer in Buddhism
Mahamakut Buddhist University
Bangkok, Thailand
B.E. 2543 / A.D. 2000

Chapter 13

Four Kinds of Protective Meditation

2. Metta—loving-kindness for all beings

The cultivation of Metta drives away anger (Dosa) and ill-will (Vyapada). Therefore, the development of loving-kindness should be practiced by those who have anger or ill-will. Extending one’s loving-kindness constantly is also an especially effective manner of merit making and is more meritorious than charity and observing the precepts; it moves one closer to Jhana as well. The Buddha states in the Book of Ekanipata of the Anguttaranikaya:

“Accharasanghatamattampi ce bhikkhave bhikkhu metta cittam

bhaveti asevati…”

which means,

“Bhikkhus, if you extend your loving-kindness for just an instant, you are said to be not far from Jhana, (even for such a period of time) being obedient and my faithful followers. Thus you waste not the food which the people give you. It is not necessary to consider the merit of those who extend loving-kindness for longer periods.”

Metta Meditation may be developed for the realisation of Mental Tranquillity.

Mar 3, 2012 -- 1:54PM, khlara wrote:

I've recently started meditating again. My meditation practice has been undertaken in fits and starts, mainly because I keep hitting the same wall...so to speak.

Every time I start a meditation practice, several hours after I've meditated, and for the next few days, I end up becoming angry. Very angry and rageful, and just downright mean to other people.  After I stop my meditation practice, I'm fine. But no matter what, when I try to restart my meditation practice, it happens all over again.

So far, I've gotten the same response from dharma teachers, sangha members and therapists. I need to sit down and analyze/look at these feelings. So I do. And all that comes up is that I really hate people. I can't stand people, or the way they act. 

I don't want to be a mean, angry, hateful, person...so I'm looking for help and any advice people can give me. I'm still new to my meditation practice. Since it's been an on-off again relationship, I've not been able to deepen my relationship with it as I would like.

~ Khlara

I first came to meditation as a means to cope with anger. As I put it to my sensei, I came to Zen looking for a way to keep myself form strangling my dad.

I can understand the wall you're talking about. I can understand what you are saying about hating people.

Here's my take on it. It might be utter bovine excrement; feel free to take it or leave it.

The thing about meditation is that it brings us to places in ourselves that we normally shut off, wall off, or block. Part of meditation is bringing us to a deeper understanding and openness with ourselves. You very obviously don't like this part of yourself.

I used to bottle up my anger, my frustration, my hate, all those negative emotions. They just kind of festered inside, and when they boiled over, whoo boy, the person in the way...

I still get angry. Every now and again there's even a flash of rage or hate, but those are so incredibly rare.

The first thing I did, and I think I did this even before I turned to Buddhism, is I allowed myself to be angry, to hate, to despise. I said, hey, these are MY emotions just as much as my love and compassion, and I have every right to feel them and I have every right to still love myself even when I feel them. My only restriction was I would not allow myself to act on these emotions in public, or towards another person. I trusted my self-control that far.

It isn't easy. But remember that the "you" that you do like is the same "you" that is the hateful person you "become" when you meditate. Allow yourself to love yourself even when you aren't very lovable.

You say, when you analyze your feelings, that it comes to you hating people, that you can't stand them or the way they act. I would say, when you are being angry or feeling hate, be mindful of it. Know your triggers. Do you truly hate every single thing that everyone does? Do you hate the smile of the little girl in the field of flowers, or the guy returning home and being licked by his dog? Is it really, truly, the people that you hate, or their actions? Go deeper. What do you hate?

I hate repeating myself. I hate standing in line. I hate small talk. I hate stupid answers to easy questions. I hate when my parents ask me the same question over and over, as if they haven't listened to me. I hate being yelled at because my dad is in a bad mood.

These are just examples, of course.

I used to just hate the people. But then I realized.... no, I don't. There were (and are!) certain things that really drove/drive me crazy, and I do not like these things. I also realized that these things, in and of themselves, are not necessarily wrong or evil or whatever, but that I did not like them. They irritated me. Why? Well, some of them I know the reason, and some of them I don't.

I took ownership, though. I can't make people conform to my will. I can only control myself. It is a lot harder to stay angry at a concept than at a person. It is a lot harder to stay angry even at a person when you allow yourself to feel the emotion, allow yourself to have the right to that emotion, and then let it go instead of bottling it up inside.

Be compassionate with yourself and aall of your emotions, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Don't get attached to the emotions; don't hold on to them. If you do they're kind of like three-day-old tea.

I'm probably rambling here.

At any rate, those are my four bits of advice:

--Meditate and face those emotions head-on.

--Allow yourself to experience the feeling instead of stuffing it down inside.

--Dig deeper to understand the underlying reasons, behaviors, triggers.

--Be compassionate to yourself. You can't be truly compassionate towards others until you can be compassionate towards your whole self.