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Switch to Forum Live View Can Anyone Help Me?
3 years ago  ::  Feb 04, 2015 - 7:52PM #1
Posts: 85
Growing up and going to school was difficult for me. I was born with a condition called Coloboma in which the eye does not form normally before birth. Back when I was born the doctors had no idea what was wrong, and thought that I would never be able to cross the street by myself. My Dad spent the rest of his life thinking he was somehow to blame for my problem since the doctor told him he shouldn't have any more children. In reality, although this can be an inherited condition, we will never know what caused it. Actually, I am lucky; my vision could be a lot worse than it is. I am legally blind in one eye, but have normal vision in the other. For whatever reason the vision in my good eye cannot be corrected to 20/20, but I am able to drive and do pretty much everything anyone else can do. I have always been very grateful for that. However, due to the lack of vision in my right eye, it has always turned in. For whatever reason I have never been able to accept it, and just live my life. I was never able to talk with either of my parents about it, which I'm sure didn't help. I always knew it would upset my Dad too much if he ever knew it bothered me, and my Mother was so wrapped up in her own unhappiness that she really didn't have much to give me. The few times I mentioned it to her she just said that I should be grateful for what I had, and that "so and so over there had whatever problem, and they sure didn't let it bother them". I was an only child until I was 10, and didn't have any other positive role models in my life to tell me I was okay. Along with my eye problem I always felt responsible for my Mother's happiness. Her and my Dad did not get along very well, being so different, and with her being like she was. She blamed him for everything, and when they would fight he would take off and leave me to comfort her. I always felt very inadequate to do that, and I always felt guilty because she wanted me to somehow change him for her. She always complained that she didn't have more kids, and wanted me to talk him into having more. She always talked with me about things I had no business knowing about or worrying about as a child. She always said there was nobody else she could talk to, and that my Dad would just kill her if she did. I guess my Dad never even realized what was going on or just felt helpless to do anything about it. I always knew I was loved by my parents, but my Dad was not able to show affection, and my Mother needed me even more than I needed her.

So once I realized I was different, and kids in school started teasing me, I tried to avoid looking at people for the rest of my life. I am very sensitive, and I just couldn't deal with comments and questions and rejection. I also had to wear thick glasses which I tried to hide behind my hair. My Mother used to tell me to get the hair out of my eyes, but she never realized why I had it that way, I did have a few friends growing up, but as I got older there were less and less. I was depressed and spent a lot of time in my room listening to music and reading. Again, my parents never noticed. Eventually, in my 40s, I finally had surgery to straighten my eye. It was a success, but in my mind nothing had changed. I was as afraid as ever to look at people. Since then the eye is not always straight, and I never really know when that is - usually when I'm tired or stressed, I'm sure. Of course that is most of the time.

Eventually I married a man I never should have married, but I was so lonely, and he wanted me. Turned out he was mentally ill, and after a few years I ended up leaving the marriage in an ambulance and staying at a shelter home. I thought I could never trust anyone again, but along came my current husband who I have been married to for 23 years. We have three wonderful sons, and I don't think I've been too bad of a parent, but of course the way I feel about myself does cause problems. I have had trouble with disciplining my boys, so their Father has had to do it all. I am also very sensitive to what my husband says. I take a lot of things the wrong way, and I get hurt very easily. I think he is criticizing me when he isn't, and see everything in a black and white way. When that happens, I end up over and over in this terrible dark place in my mind where it's all my fault and I am worthless.

I grew up in the church, and have prayed for my entire life. As a child I ended up feeling that God just didn't care, and that I was a disappointment to Him. I believe now that he does care, and I now I have come a long way, but it is SO HARD to keep waiting on Him to finally heal me from these things that keep me from being who I want to be.
God Has Always Been With Me - Even Though I Haven't Realized It.
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