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5 years ago  ::  Sep 18, 2012 - 11:31AM #1
Posts: 85
Hello.  I am trying to do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I'm scared to death.  To most people this will be hard to understand.  Unless you have a similar problem, you can't understand, of course.

I was born with a condition that caused me to be legally blind in one of my eyes.  I am very fortunate that the vision in my other eye can be corrected to near normal.  Also fortunate that they eye is not cloudy or anything.  However, because my two eyes cannot work together, the weaker one has always turned in .  This has been something that I have never been able to accept.  It has affected my life in so many negative ways.  Or maybe I should say that for whatever reason I have allowed it to control my life.  I am close to 52 now, and for as long as I can remember I have been afraid to look other people in the eye.  I am so afraid of rejection.  I am so afraid of the comments that some people, especially children, make.  The biggest issue in my life is the shame I have always felt over this.  And nobody else can understand why it is such a big deal to me.  I have been told to "just not let it bother me".  I have been told to "be grateful for what I have, and get on with it already".  Well, believe me I am very grateful for all that I have.  And I have so many good things in my life.  It is hard to enjoy them, though, felling the way that I do.  A few years ago I finally had surgery to straighten the eye.  The surgery was a success.  The eye was straight.  I thought my life would change.  But it didn't.  In my mind, nothing had changed.  I was still as afraid of rejection as ever.  Always afraid that it really wasn't straight every time I looked at anyone.  Well, the eye did not stay straight, but there is no point for me to get any further surgeries.

I have had a problem with overeating ever since I was a teenager.  I know that much of the reason I overeat is because of this.  I have spent a lifetime trying to fill the void in my heart due to my inability to connect with other people through eye contact.  I have spent a lifetime without close friends, and my family has never been helpful with this.  I have felt SO MUCH guilt over my overeating, but I know I will never get anywhere with that problem as long as I am still controlled by this other issue.

I've always known this, but Yesterday for some reason I made up my mind that I have to get over this no matter what it takes.  I have to take the risk of looking at people and possibly being rejected or hearing comments or questions.  However, I am still as afraid as ever, and I know I can't do this on my own.  If I could, I would have done it so long ago.  So I need God's help, and I need all the prayers I can get.

Sorry this is so long.  I just don't know how to shorten it up any more.

God Has Always Been With Me - Even Though I Haven't Realized It.
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5 years ago  ::  Sep 18, 2012 - 9:12PM #2
Posts: 401

God bless you Arabianhorselover.  I'll pray for you.

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