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10 years ago  ::  May 15, 2008 - 9:18PM #1
Mspiggypoohcincy
Posts: 10
I have some sincere questions about LDS dating. I have been a member of the church now for almost three years. I am a 28 years old and a convert. I live in an area where there is a low lds population. There is usually about 40 to 50 LDS women and men in the young single adult ward where I attend. I have not had any offers to date guys within the church. I have so many questions.... Sometimes I think it may be me...I have had some periods of time where I was not as active as I liked to be.  I would like some serious advice from fellow sisters on what I should try in order to at least to get to know some of the guys. When I first was baptized I thought that if I was patient I would have an opportunity to get to date some.. I am disappointed and want to know what I can do about myself since I know I can't control others. As most LDS women, I dream of being married and even starting a family.  I am getting older compared to the other LDS singles and worried that I don't have that many years left to have children. Should I just accept my single state or do  you think there is hope?
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10 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 1:48AM #2
moksha8088
Posts: 5,277
Do they have LDS singles dances in your area?

Some women and men try LDSplanet.com as a source of meeting others.
Cry Heaven and let loose the Penguins of Peace
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10 years ago  ::  May 15, 2008 - 9:18PM #3
Mspiggypoohcincy
Posts: 10
I have some sincere questions about LDS dating. I have been a member of the church now for almost three years. I am a 28 years old and a convert. I live in an area where there is a low lds population. There is usually about 40 to 50 LDS women and men in the young single adult ward where I attend. I have not had any offers to date guys within the church. I have so many questions.... Sometimes I think it may be me...I have had some periods of time where I was not as active as I liked to be.  I would like some serious advice from fellow sisters on what I should try in order to at least to get to know some of the guys. When I first was baptized I thought that if I was patient I would have an opportunity to get to date some.. I am disappointed and want to know what I can do about myself since I know I can't control others. As most LDS women, I dream of being married and even starting a family.  I am getting older compared to the other LDS singles and worried that I don't have that many years left to have children. Should I just accept my single state or do  you think there is hope?
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10 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 1:48AM #4
moksha8088
Posts: 5,277
Do they have LDS singles dances in your area?

Some women and men try LDSplanet.com as a source of meeting others.
Cry Heaven and let loose the Penguins of Peace
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10 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 2:19PM #5
ProfitOfGod
Posts: 1,020
There's hope, but you're getting up there in years, even by today's LDS standards.  You might have to get yourself a sinner like many of the smarter ones end up doing. 

You could always date a fella and try to convert him down the line, if you end up getting married.  If you do choose this route, be candid about your relationship with the religion, but don't rush to convert him...allow the process to happen and if it's meant to be, then it probably will. 

My best advice, however, is to look for compatibility in your dating partners and potential maters.  I remain unconvinced that same religion = instant compatibility. 

Good luck in your quest.
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10 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 4:06PM #6
UwishUwereMe
Posts: 2,352
Ha Ha you must live in Minnesota!  Well since I am queer as the day is long, my dating is VERY limited to ummm... NOT dating.  That's not true, I still go on dates, with SISTERS, but it's more for companionship.  We had a celebration at my place after being called to Ward Fasion Diva. 

Seriously.  My advice from someone who struggles with limited attraction to women, go out with a guy as though you were just seeking companionship.  It take the pressure off of DATING, and just allows you to go out a a couple of PEOPLE, not LDS, not CONVERTS, just a couple people looking to enjoy eachother's time. 

I am reminded of my ward's issue though, most of the sister's complain that no one asks them out and it's because anytime any guy asks them out a multitude of things happen.  One is that they assume the guy has a mad crush on them.  Two is that it might not be Dr. McDreamy with a 6 beedroom house in the SW suburbs and two Mercedes' in the driveway.  Three is that many of them are afraid to date or play highschool aged politics about who's who and who's NOT. 

So many of the guys are pretty gun-shy about asking the girls out.  My old Bishop used to tell us in EQ that he would get calls in the middle of the night with girls crying because no one would ask them out, but when they would get asked out they would reject the guy. 

That's a little crazy.  I look at dating in our establishment like getting a job, you gotta start somewhere, and it's a JOB not a CAREER, just try it out to see what you like even if he isn't  Mr. Perfect.  You never know much like the "job" you could discover you really like him and you could end up sealed to him with a family ... or end up a corporate success... or BOTH!

So, don't look for instant attraction, look for potential, and NOT long term dating potential, how about I wonder if he is available to for for a walk around the lake and get an ice cream cone potential. 

If you're even in Minnesota, Minneapolis area I'd LOVE to go for a walk around Lake Calhoun with you and stop off for an Ice Cream Cone or two!

God Bless,

S
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10 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 7:06PM #7
bytebear
Posts: 1,451
There are online LDS dating services. My cousin from Utah met her future husband from California and they ended up in a long distance relationship for a while before they were married.  What was nice was once they got to know each other, they each got recommended by their respective bishops, so you can at least get an outside opinion on the character of the guy you are interested in.

If your dating pool is too small, find a bigger pool.
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10 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 9:00PM #8
BillThinks4Himself
Posts: 3,242
[QUOTE=Mspiggypoohcincy;502583]I have some sincere questions about LDS dating. I have been a member of the church now for almost three years. I am a 28 years old and a convert. I live in an area where there is a low lds population. There is usually about 40 to 50 LDS women and men in the young single adult ward where I attend. I have not had any offers to date guys within the church. I have so many questions.... Sometimes I think it may be me...I have had some periods of time where I was not as active as I liked to be.  I would like some serious advice from fellow sisters on what I should try in order to at least to get to know some of the guys. When I first was baptized I thought that if I was patient I would have an opportunity to get to date some.. I am disappointed and want to know what I can do about myself since I know I can't control others. As most LDS women, I dream of being married and even starting a family.  I am getting older compared to the other LDS singles and worried that I don't have that many years left to have children. Should I just accept my single state or do  you think there is hope?[/QUOTE]

First of all, 28 is not old.  It may be older than the run of the mill bride marrying a returned missionary who just got back off his mission (at 22, most guys are looking for someone in the 18- to 21-year-old range).  But there are lots of decent people who either don't find the right person right away or who found somebody, tried to live a fairy tale, and ended up in a relationship that didn't work.  From my perspective, 28 is an awesome age.  It means you're still young but you're not as stupid as the 18- to 22-year-old who hasn't yet learned how to handle the adult world.  It means that you've had an opportunity to live on your own, gain experience in the working world and that you've had plenty of "seasoning" to give you the kind of maturity that most newlyweds don't know they lack.

Second, there's a reason to start with available LDS singles.  If you have a pool of such men from which to begin, it means you don't have to reinvent the wheel - at least as far as you religious backgrounds are concerned.  Truth be told, just being LDS is no guarantee that the two of you are going to see eye to eye on a wide range of doctrinal issues, but it's a lot easier to work out those differences - from within an LDS group - than it is to take somebody off the street and send them through the discussions, etc.

Third, dating isn't about finding Mr. Perfect.  It's about developing relationships that are natural and meaningful.  You don't have to limit yourself to LDS men, or at least not to the LDS men in your ward.  You should be actively pursuing the opportunity to meet as many different people as you can, in part to find out what it is YOU want in a lifelong companion.  It's not about meeting Mr. Perfect.  It's very much about upgrading your social and networking skills so that you can have a wide experience dealing with lots of different personalities and temperaments.  There's a lot you will need to know about YOURSELF to help you know when you're in love, and not simply in lust or in quiet desperation.

Fourth, while I'd start with a pool of LDS singles (since that's part of a cluster of compatibility issues), I'd make it my priority to find someone I liked.  When I came back from my mission, I was convinced that any two people could make a marriage work, as long as they were both willing to work for it.  I'm still convinced of that, but I don't see why anybody should make it any harder than it has to be.  Some people would be a lot more work than others, particularly in terms of personalities.  I simply like being around some people more than others.  When I came back from my mission, I dated every girl in my ward.  I did it to take some of the pressure off.  I did it to upgrade my skills.  I did it to keep an open mind.

I dated an old girlfriend I was once passionate about and learned, fairly quickly, that the fire was gone.  I dated a really beautiful girl, whom I admired greatly, but for whom there just wasn't anything beyond the fact that she was such a "great pick."  I dated another girl, whom I felt passionate about, but who wasn't ready.  I dated a couple of girls I wasn't attracted to, but whose company I thought I'd enjoy (and I did).  I dated a pretty young thing whose temperament was a horrible match for mine.  I dated a girl who would have jumped off a bridge for me, but whom I felt was too clingy and too needy (I'm nobody to jump off a bridge for).  It wasn't that any of these young ladies were "wrong" or "imperfect."  It's that I was at a certain place in my journey and they were at another, making us a harder match.

I even dated a hottie of hotties who I would have given my right arm for, and who liked me very much, but whose politics offended mine.  I knew that we'd fight - or that I'd spend my time trying to get her to care - and it meant enough to me that I decided to keep looking.  She found somebody else, and so did I.

The woman I married was two years older, opinionated, full of her own baggage, told me how stupid I was, outted my doubts to her roommates and generally made me want to throw her through a window.  But for all that frustration, she just felt right.  Nobody has ever annoyed me more than she has.  Nobody has ever made me feel worse.  Yet, for all of our fights and resentments and historical baggage (you did this to me on this date), we are strangely compatible.  Neither of us is "perfect."  We clicked from the start, even if we would get on each other's nerves again and again.  My relationship with her has required a great deal of growth - on both our parts - but I've not had a longer or more meaningful relationship with anyone.

Go find someone who makes you happy.  Work from there.
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10 years ago  ::  May 17, 2008 - 7:33PM #9
rideronthastorm
Posts: 9,223
Strangley enough I use to have similar problems at some of my old traditional pentecostal churches.It seemed like to me that guys who were born and raised up Pentecostal liked to mmarry young girls, in some of my old churches they use to marry under agers quite abit-, but  in Pentecostal crowds that wernt so  old timey and backwards and twisted, there were some that there was normal age range dating in more noral behavior, ill draw from that experience.

But it seems to me that many times in Evangelical conservative circles of any sort,including my more normal experiences with some of my old Pentecostal goups, it seemed like that guys who were raised up in and born into the church liked girls they grew up with, the girl next door that they played with as kids thing.That what they were drawn to. It also seemed like if the girl didnt want to get married then the guys chased them more, but for the girls who were always looking, then it got harder, they like the chase, the hunt, that sounds crude but its true.Girls who wernt looking then it got easier for them, it seems like its like that in life, if your looking for a mate then they never come to you for a date, but if your not looking, your more likely to find someone,i use to chase guys all the time before i went to church. Now I never do, and Ive always got someone dating me.

I weigh over 300 pounds, and Im 41, I date a guy who dates around and has  girlfriends at UU so thats different its not monogomous, im sure your looking for a monogomous relationship though. I cant date seriously  because I have too many problems both physical and mental. But its odd because Ive always got someone somewhere either a friend or a dating buddy to spend time with.

Its hard though i sympathize with you, being 41 and single, Ive cried a many many Christmases through,believe me, one thing that use to help me at church was me depending on my chruch to be my family, my brothers and sisters, took the place of my husband, thats always my prayer to Jesus , but I was in a church where we were really close all the time so Im not sure how that compares to the LDS church, but seeing that i do date guys from the UU church, you may want to look at different denominations and definitly have a bigger pool to choose from.
The internet maybe a place to start, just if you use the internet, never meet anyone alone, thats my thing, i will never ever meet anyone alone off the net, if someone wants to hook up with me(not that I have time these days)they have to go to a p[ublic place,I think of every guy on the net as Ted Bundy i dont care how Christain they act, ted Bundy was a Christain too.Just meet them in a public place preferably with friends at a restaurant or club.
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10 years ago  ::  May 17, 2008 - 8:47PM #10
rideronthastorm
Posts: 9,223
Hey theres a thread up in LDS debate that i put up called men and Women mixing, it has several issues about socializing in the LDS church, you might look at it.I meant when I was in church, Jesus was my husband, and the church took the place as my husband and my brothers and sisters.
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