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6 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2008 - 5:27PM #11
bytebear
Posts: 1,451
Just move out.  have no financial ties to her whatsoever, or you will have to pay it back tenfold.  Move a minimum of 2 hours away.  And make your husband do all the talking.  You are just an observer, or you will get heat for it.  In fact, be as sweet and kin as possible.  Tell her you really love staying there, but your husband's mind is made up, and if it were up to you, you wold want to stay.  And then run... fast.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2008 - 6:35PM #12
shasha1218
Posts: 63
[QUOTE=BillThinks4Himself;668123]


I'm not suggesting anything about his maturity, responsibility or ability to take care of himself.  I'm speaking of her mindset.  When you have an aging parent who wants to control, an easy rationale is that the boy still needs his mother's guidance.  Reality doesn't matter.  It's the perception that becomes her justification for control.  An otherwise mature, responsible and able adult can still be emotionally blackmailed into exactly this situation. 

No doubt.  She provides the living space.  The two of you pay the bills.  And still she acts as if you two are dependent upon her.  It's insane but common.

There's no easy fix.  As the saying goes, you get what you pay for and you pay for what you get.  Unless something suddenly works out for you, your options come down to high rent, low digs or longer daily commutes.  But the choice is yours, including the choice to stay and put up with the old bag.


I, too, will pray.  But just in case prayer doesn't work, I hope you will make it a regular routine to seek out your alternatives.  It may surprise you what pops up when you are completely open to change.  The hardest part will not be finding that opening but in walking out the door.  Some part of you two may feel guilty about leaving the old woman, and it may be this part that keeps you super-glued to her doorstep.  If so, it's better to deal with it now.  Good luck![/QUOTE]

Thanks for the quick reply!  You described her behavior perfectly. Everything about her is how she percieves things,  oftentimes very contrary to reality.  The thought of what will we do when we move out hasn't really crossed either of our minds.  Or at least not very often.  I don't think either one of us feel any guilt about leaving, but I know that I will probably feel depressed for a little while after just because of all the stress she put us through.

Yeah, I know  its not going to be easy. I've gotten used to things not being easy. Oh well, just have to keep going and "enduring" to the end.  I will still keep an eye on options from time to time. Thank you again for lending a listening ear your advice was very helpfull and I appreciate it.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2008 - 6:38PM #13
shasha1218
Posts: 63
[QUOTE=bytebear;668606]Just move out.  have no financial ties to her whatsoever, or you will have to pay it back tenfold.  Move a minimum of 2 hours away.  And make your husband do all the talking.  You are just an observer, or you will get heat for it.  In fact, be as sweet and kin as possible.  Tell her you really love staying there, but your husband's mind is made up, and if it were up to you, you wold want to stay.  And then run... fast.[/QUOTE]

Umm, I doubt that she would believe me, there is no love lost between us.  But, I will bear your advice in mind and I will keep my mouth shut.  Thank you.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2008 - 7:52PM #14
bytebear
Posts: 1,451

shasha1218 wrote:

Umm, I doubt that she would believe me, there is no love lost between us.  But, I will bear your advice in mind and I will keep my mouth shut.  Thank you.



Well if you can pull it off and sound sincere then it will do you good.  if not, just smile a lot.  :) Best of luck.

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6 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2008 - 6:35PM #15
shasha1218
Posts: 63
[QUOTE=BillThinks4Himself;668123]


I'm not suggesting anything about his maturity, responsibility or ability to take care of himself.  I'm speaking of her mindset.  When you have an aging parent who wants to control, an easy rationale is that the boy still needs his mother's guidance.  Reality doesn't matter.  It's the perception that becomes her justification for control.  An otherwise mature, responsible and able adult can still be emotionally blackmailed into exactly this situation. 

No doubt.  She provides the living space.  The two of you pay the bills.  And still she acts as if you two are dependent upon her.  It's insane but common.

There's no easy fix.  As the saying goes, you get what you pay for and you pay for what you get.  Unless something suddenly works out for you, your options come down to high rent, low digs or longer daily commutes.  But the choice is yours, including the choice to stay and put up with the old bag.


I, too, will pray.  But just in case prayer doesn't work, I hope you will make it a regular routine to seek out your alternatives.  It may surprise you what pops up when you are completely open to change.  The hardest part will not be finding that opening but in walking out the door.  Some part of you two may feel guilty about leaving the old woman, and it may be this part that keeps you super-glued to her doorstep.  If so, it's better to deal with it now.  Good luck![/QUOTE]

Thanks for the quick reply!  You described her behavior perfectly. Everything about her is how she percieves things,  oftentimes very contrary to reality.  The thought of what will we do when we move out hasn't really crossed either of our minds.  Or at least not very often.  I don't think either one of us feel any guilt about leaving, but I know that I will probably feel depressed for a little while after just because of all the stress she put us through.

Yeah, I know  its not going to be easy. I've gotten used to things not being easy. Oh well, just have to keep going and "enduring" to the end.  I will still keep an eye on options from time to time. Thank you again for lending a listening ear your advice was very helpfull and I appreciate it.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2008 - 6:38PM #16
shasha1218
Posts: 63
[QUOTE=bytebear;668606]Just move out.  have no financial ties to her whatsoever, or you will have to pay it back tenfold.  Move a minimum of 2 hours away.  And make your husband do all the talking.  You are just an observer, or you will get heat for it.  In fact, be as sweet and kin as possible.  Tell her you really love staying there, but your husband's mind is made up, and if it were up to you, you wold want to stay.  And then run... fast.[/QUOTE]

Umm, I doubt that she would believe me, there is no love lost between us.  But, I will bear your advice in mind and I will keep my mouth shut.  Thank you.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2008 - 7:52PM #17
bytebear
Posts: 1,451

shasha1218 wrote:

Umm, I doubt that she would believe me, there is no love lost between us.  But, I will bear your advice in mind and I will keep my mouth shut.  Thank you.



Well if you can pull it off and sound sincere then it will do you good.  if not, just smile a lot.  :) Best of luck.

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