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7 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2008 - 1:51PM #1
Weeping_Willow1526
Posts: 127
Hey everyone! I have a dilemma, and am seeking help. I'll be posting similar posts the Jewish board as well as the evangelical board (to get responses from those who are Conservative as well as those who many not be overly evangelical).....really I am just looking for answers. I'll get into my story, and I'll *attempt* to keep it short and not too whiney!

I am a spiritual and religious person, the problem is, I don't really have a religion. I was raised Christian, left the church, and stumbled across Judaism. I fell in love with it, and I really wanted to convert. I studied for a long time...years, and was ready to take that last step and become a daughter of Israel.

I packed up and moved away (because I was not able to convert around here due to the lack of a Jewish community). I was ready to start my new life as a soon-to-be-Jew. The family I was to stay with turned out to be WAY different than what I expected. I will not get into details because I do not like to call people down, but I will say that I did NOT feel as though I could stay there and left immediately. I was devastated because these people, this community lived so far away, and I felt as though-as I drove away-my dreams were being left behind.

When I returned home, I eventually resigned myself to the fact that I would probably never convert. I did not return to church, but I have tried to be Christian at heart. Still, I don't know if that is really what I am supposed to be doing. I do not know if--DEEP DOWN in my heart and soul--I can really believe in Jesus, even though I am trying to force myself to believe that I do. I don't mean to be offensive; I am just trying to be honest. I try to force everything Jewish away from me, but a large part deep within STILL hungers for Judaism and the Jewish people. I cannot explain it no matter how hard I try because I have no Jewish ancestry that I know of, and I was not raised around any Jewish people ever. It just doesn't make sense. My mother suggested that I still yearn for Judaism out of habit maybe...because it was part of my life for so long. Yeah, maybe that's it....but when I left Christianity for Judaism, I never longed to have it back the way I do with Judaism, and Christianity was part of my life for a lot longer.

I just do not know WHAT to do! I don't know what God is asking of me! Perhaps this is an odd question to ask here, but is God trying to tell me that I need to convert in order to be fulfilled? Or maybe I am meant to be a Christian and God (or Satan) is trying to test (or tempt) me? My closest friend is a religious Christian, and I find myself wondering why, even when I try so hard, that I cannot embrace Jesus and the New Testament as fully as she does?! I cannot FORCE myself to believe in something, but I desperately trying to find the path God has intended for me and for mankind. Perhaps the easiest thing to do would to just throw my hands up in the air and scream, "I'm through with religion forever", but I can't seem to do that. I am not a secular person, and I want spirituality and a religious lifestyle to be a part of my existance. I just feel so lost!

I don't know....my ramblings probably don't even make any sense. It's just, the confusion has been tearing me to pieces inside. I would be grateful for ANY advice whatsoever. Know that, of course, I am not looking for anyway to steer the course of my future. I am just looking for opinions, that's all, so no pressure! God bless,
~Willow~
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 20, 2008 - 2:09PM #2
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
[QUOTE=Weeping_Willow1526;296781]but a large part deep within STILL hungers for Judaism and the Jewish people. [/QUOTE]

Are you able to articulate or pinpoint what it is that you find so attractive about Judaism and the Jewish people? And, btw, which form of Judaism?
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 20, 2008 - 11:20PM #3
Apishapa
Posts: 276
Weeping Willow   

I mentioned in the other Thread that perhaps  Jews for Jesus would be able to help you.   I have attended some of their services, check them out.  The web is: 
jews-for-jesus.org   

I pray that God will lead you in the right direction.   

Praise God!
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2008 - 1:39PM #4
Weeping_Willow1526
Posts: 127
[QUOTE=KatherineOrthodixie;301519]Are you able to articulate or pinpoint what it is that you find so attractive about Judaism and the Jewish people? And, btw, which form of Judaism?[/QUOTE]

I am most attracted to Orthodox Judaism, more specifically, the Chassidic sects, and from there the Breslovers. It's hard to pinpoint exactly, but I am just in love with the lifestyle, the Torah, and the beliefs....though I am still confused about Jesus so I can't say for sure that that is where I should be belief-wise. That is what is most confusing for me, is the belief in Jesus and who he really was and is.
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2008 - 1:41PM #5
Weeping_Willow1526
Posts: 127
[QUOTE=Apishapa;302860]I mentioned in the other Thread that perhaps  Jews for Jesus would be able to help you.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the advice, and I will certainly keep them in mind; however, I don't think there are any around here. I have been in their chatroom a couple years ago, and found them a bit aggressive, but maybe it is something to explore again.
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 24, 2008 - 4:52PM #6
tawonda
Posts: 4,367
Can you be more specific about why you're attracted to Orthodox/Chasidic Judaism? Is it the ritual or the "high commitment" lifestyle or something else?
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 24, 2008 - 6:57PM #7
Goyboy
Posts: 232
Weeping Willow, there are Messianic Jews other than the members of Jews for Jesus.  Perhaps you can perform a web search for them.

There is something that I would like to know.  Do you believe that you would be earning God's favor by becoming a Jew?

Messianic Jews adhere to the Torah, but they know that they cannot earn God's favor.  They trust in Messiah Y'shua alone for the atonement of their sins.  Messianic Jews believe that they have become completed Jews by placing their faith in Messiah Y'shua.
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 25, 2008 - 9:57AM #8
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
If it's the ritual and high commitment lifestyle, I would suggest looking into Orthodox Christianity. Before I converted, I always was sort of envious of my Jewish friends for the way that they integrated their faith into every aspect of their lives - even the everyday stuff like eating and washing. Orthodoxy is a lifestyle, so to speak, as well as a belief system.
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 28, 2008 - 9:26AM #9
Weeping_Willow1526
Posts: 127
[QUOTE=tawonda;310558]Can you be more specific about why you're attracted to Orthodox/Chasidic Judaism? Is it the ritual or the "high commitment" lifestyle or something else?[/QUOTE]

It's kind of hard to explain, but I will give it a shot. Chasidism just seems to pull me to it, like I am hypnotized. It has me entranced, and I am just in love with it, even when I am separated from Judaism kind of like I am now. I like that their beliefs are the most Orthodox (religiously and socially), and I also like how their beliefs are on the literal end of the spectrum, as mine are as well. I like all of the zest and joy they have for life, their commitment to the Torah, and the level at which they keep the commandments. I like the way they live in the world, but remained separated from it still, and I love the traditions they keep so commitedly and even the clothing. I also feel so at home with them. While I sometimes feel more welcome at my birth church (for example), I have always felt more *at home* with the Chasidim. When I went to stay with them at the end of 2006 for a week, I felt a sense of belonging. I have never fit in anywhere I went in my entire life...not even in my own family. There, though, I actually fit in, and it seemed right. Anyway, those are a few reasons why I am so attracted to them.
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7 years ago  ::  Feb 28, 2008 - 9:32AM #10
Weeping_Willow1526
Posts: 127
[QUOTE=Goyboy;310876]Do you believe that you would be earning God's favor by becoming a Jew?[/QUOTE]

No. I do, however, sometimes feel inadequate as a non-Jew. Even amongst Jews, I do not need to convert and actually BE a Jew in order to be considered righteous or have a place in the World to Come. They don't believe people need to convert, so that's not my problem. For nearly a decade (with a couple few months' breaks here and there) I have been completely lost in every aspect of my life. I loved Judaism because, after so long, it was the *only* thing to fulfill me. Now, I am still struggling with the issue of Jesus. Sometimes I believe and sometimes I fervently do not; however, the fact still remains, that nothing could fill the void I had during that time except for Judaism. That is another reason why I am struggling so much....because even when I think I believe in Jesus, I still do not feel fulfilled or content until I return to Judaism. It is SO confusing, and it just doesn't make sense to me........
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