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3 years ago  ::  Aug 23, 2011 - 5:49PM #1
solful1
Posts: 156
I've posted here before and now I'm in a state of limbo and feel so lost I just wasn't sure what else to do. Deep down I think I know, I should just be patient and keep doing what's in my power to move myself forward; but it's just so difficult to have faith and keep momentum going when so much of the "outside world" seems against my intentions.

For the last decade I've wanted to attend a university and get a bachelor's degree. I attended community college while working full time, I was married and divorced during those years, and I had a child (who's now 15). So last year I finally completed my community college requirements and wanted to follow my "dream" of attending a university full time to complete the last 2 years of my degree in a more normal time frame than 5 years or more.

I had visions of what starting a new life would be like. I didn't think they were unrealisitic but now that I'm here, and with the current economic climate, I feel overwhelmed. There are some positives to my situation but right now I just feel too anxious and worried about my future. Deep down I don't think I made a mistake by quitting my job and relocating 100 miles away from "home", uprooting the lives of myself and my kid; but at times I see all that in a negative way and I'm afraid I did make a bad mistake.

I'm 40. The job I had was stable but stale. With no education I had very little chance of advancement and though I was making a decent amount of money I was not living comfortably. Very paycheck to paycheck, I have no credit, renting a 1bdrm apartment and sleeping in my living room so my kid could have a room to herself. I thought with a degree I'd have a chance to advance. Maybe not directly with an undergraduate degree but at least having the option to go to graduate school. I have 2 programs I"m interested in but afraid if the national economy does not improve those jobs I want won't be available. Where I moved from the cost of living was high, my new location--though it's somewhat rural, is actually higher than the city I was in. My classes haven't started yet, so maybe when they start I'll feel better but it's really hard. Finances and I'm facing this practically all alone. I need to be strong for my kid but I have no one I can turn to. Ironically the friends I had at "home" have abandoned me. I couldn't believe how everyone turned on me at the last minute when I needed them the most. My family is not there for me either. I can't really say this is the toughest situation I"ve been in but it's very uncomfortable. It's taking me a lot to not fall into depression. I just keep physically active and do my best to stay optimistic. But with all I"ve been through just to get here, and to feel so low now that I am here...I am beginning to lose faith that all this will pay off in ways I thought they would. If all this sacrifice pays off I will be grateful but right now I can't see the light at the of the tunnel.

I think a lot people are feeling uprooted cause these in general are just tough times. That doesn't really comfort me but not feeling like I"m so alone in this uncertainty helps me. Plus at times like this my getting "older" is worrying me. I'm surrounded by 22yr olds now with their lives ahead of them, and in some ways I feel like my life is...well I'm not in 20s anymore. I've gone through so much already. I just hope I can gain some level of stability in my life and have improved work/life options in the future. I want to believe that we can create our realities and attain our goals but I'm feeling like a made a mistake and don't know how to correct it.
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 11, 2011 - 1:33PM #2
Forest Child
Posts: 91

I'm sorry you didn't get a reply to your post.  I never knew this part of Beliefnet existed so have only just come across what you have written.  How did you get on?  Did you go for the Degree?

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 26, 2011 - 6:22AM #3
solful1
Posts: 156

Thanks for the support as far as responding to the post. I am going for the degree but it's a long process. When I posted I was about to start fall quarter classes. Now the quarter is almost over and I'm even more stressed but I guess it's a good kind of stress. At times I feel like this is where I belong,and I'm doing what I've wanted to do. The hard part is the level of effort; or maybe it's sticking to my commitment. It's either one or a combination of both that just makes me want to bury my head in the sand and forget everything. Maybe it's the paradox of life or something. I'm studying religion, well I guess it's called "Religious Studies" so to me it's  a form of philosophy that is just so mind expanding and interesting. I just hate writing research papers. The tests are OK but keeping up with reading of all the articles and books can be a drag too.

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 27, 2011 - 5:34PM #4
Forest Child
Posts: 91

I know what you mean and vowed never again to put myself through that when I was studying at Uni but now find myself almost tempted again.  Anything worth having is worth the fight and the struggle.  You may find that after the first year, when you get into more personal research, things feel more natural and involving.


Good for you taking the difficult step rather than just going with the easy option.  High five!

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