Bye Bye Butterfly

I have to let you go away let it all die.

I have to let go

you never initiate contact,

you answer but you never initiate contact,

I have to let go.

I just have to confess that last one was

inspired by a song on the radio where the woman singing has left someone and her 

statement that inspired me was "I finally found the Good in Goodbye. . ." so I thought of the woman I love although I still see her ron rare occasions and I see her truck a lot and I can txt her and she didn't really say goodbye just had to move her work I dunno it still feels like she's gone out of my life because she nearly has!

Oh dream

why did you have to go

never mind, 

I know!

It was just a dream,

but in it You,

to my surprise

became my lover,

inviting me to intimacies

I had only dreamed of!

but when I awoke later you had gone,

I thought you had gone off to do errands

and would return

so I drifted off to sleep again

but you never returned

finally,

I was just about to call you. . .

when I woke up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_{True story, I had that dream this morning just a few moments ago!}

rebirth*evolution*evaluation*determination*separation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rebirth,
although my Love for you never dies
still, it always happens whenever you are before my eyes.
any separation, albeit brief, is heart wrenching for me,
and after lonely hours of evaluation
I build up determination
to embrace evolution
from wishing you were my other half
to growing old alone and daft.

Well,

5HTP works to a point

I had run out bout a week and a half or two weeks ago and didn't get by costco (its like 10 or 15 $ for a thirthy pill supply @ say harris teeter and 19.99 for 150 @costco) to get any til yesterday  when I thought I'd either drown in my tears or my head would explode. so after a few doses today I was able to hold back the tears that almost fell from my eyes several times. You know, I knew all along I couldn't have her love, I think she likes the three legged monsters and anyway who'd want me I'm hideous I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror, but I hoped we'd stay friends but it's not looking that way she's even moved her office stuff now, in the last few days I saw her for like two minutes but when she was there yesterday she spent a lot of time talking to the secretary, so I guess  that friendship means something to her and mine probably doesn't so I guess unless I want to make it more painful for myself I just have to lewt her go, but along with that it is an absolute necessity for me to get the hell away from that place, because i will never be anything but miserable there again. I'm beginning to think there isn't a God, but I'll keep that to myself because I really like the people @ church and because I still want my daughter to grow up to be a nice person who hopefully lives by the golden rule. Because if there was a God, who had my best interest @ heart, I'd be out of there already and in a way that doesn't bear a negative connotation. because it'll take months or loinger to find another job and in the mean time I'll be miserable every day and i don't think I'm up to it emotionally.