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Switch to Forum Live View The Self Discovery Thread
7 years ago  ::  Jul 14, 2010 - 5:54PM #1
Amycain
Posts: 4,385

How rude of my subconscious!


A rude tap on the figurative shoulder


of my conscious mind!


How dare my subconscoius inform me


of feelings i have


that I obviously didn't want to know  that I have.


It so rudely informed me,


in the form of a dream,


about an attraction i feel.


No, I'm not in love with the person,


because, while she knows me,


my personal self is shown


and known


I only know her in a limited specific context


which is all about me. . .


in short. . .


I really don't know her at all,


it's just some attraction I feel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A dream,


a dream,


it would seem


can say much . . .


in little


She was there


I was there


others were there


we were kinda two places at once


in her office


but yet it also seemed we were in the side


yard of my childhood playmate in Winston Salem actually her side yard/driveway.


I was sitting doing something


perhaps at a computer


she came behind me and hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek


and rferred to me with a term of endearment


I mean it was definitely not "hey you"


Thing is. . .


I liked it!


Then she was gone and I began to play soccer


with the other people in the dream.


I woke up


alone and embarrassed!


 

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7 years ago  ::  Jul 15, 2010 - 1:28PM #2
mommy2two
Posts: 1,134

this is heavy, amy. dreams are the mirror of the soul... are you actually considering sharing these with her?!?!?!?!


m22

"It took me a long time not to judge myself
through someone else's eyes" ~Sally Field
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7 years ago  ::  Jul 15, 2010 - 5:42PM #3
Amycain
Posts: 4,385

hell no!! I'm not becuase I hat to be withholding but I don't want to put out something like that, because she may be cool with me being me but she is only a human being and I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable with me being me is pointed at her,I shared about it at the meeting last night and Susan said don't worry about it, sounds pretty textbook like something that might be rather common when you are baring your soul and being vulnerable to someoone but it still has me a bit rattled because i'm the one feeling it and i have the curse of the vivid imagination, which wasn't a problem until after i had that dream, but I am trying to keep things in perspective maybe It'll be easier to get a grip on things after I go tomorrow and I keep reminiding myself to shift to thoughts of the one I've been madly infatuated with for two years, becuase there's nothing new there and if I'm going to be on a dead end street i might as well  stay on the one that I am used to thar isn't going to mess anything up instead of jumping on to another dead end street but that hasn't been totally successful and just trying not to be too damn serious and trying to keep my mind occupied with other things like mindless entertainment on the tube!!! what I do regret is having mentioned the dream to her at all because I have felt something like guilty for telling but not the whole truth so I just shouldn't have said anything!!!!!

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7 years ago  ::  Jul 15, 2010 - 11:26PM #4
mommy2two
Posts: 1,134

you told her part of it???? i guess i can figure out the parts you left out.


you slay me, amy.Cool

"It took me a long time not to judge myself
through someone else's eyes" ~Sally Field
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7 years ago  ::  Jul 16, 2010 - 6:20AM #5
Amycain
Posts: 4,385

I only mentioned that she was in it and that was it and that then she disappeared and I was playing soccer with the other people.

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7 years ago  ::  Jul 16, 2010 - 4:45PM #6
Amycain
Posts: 4,385

Okay, just the reality check I needed today, let me preface by saying I knew from the get go as soon as I'd had that dream that it was most certainly not an available avenue for me  as far as someone to be involved with that way, but my cursed vivid overactive imagination. . . well anyway i also knew, besides the fact it was a no way, that this person was surely straight too. anyway seeing her helped me get a grip on myself and the situation, although to be completely honest if it were a possible I would, but now i think I can keep my imagination and any teptations to think about her in that context subdued and switcht to the other dead end while I am working on opening up new possibilities I might start a meet-up group shelling out the $$ at least initially maybe just for a short time till I can get it going.  Wink

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7 years ago  ::  Jul 17, 2010 - 12:26PM #7
Amycain
Posts: 4,385

yeah I know what I posted yesterday and it is all true but i was depressed last night anyway,then sometime in the wee hours of this morning I had a dream I thought was evidence I was getting a grip on things I dreamed about being infatuated with 2 women the one I've been infatuated with for two years and soemeone else not the other one(oddly someone I know I don't have feelings for, oops I just realized there are reasons, I'm not going to put here, that this person could have been a replacement or stand in for the other, ouch!) anyway I thought I was getting back on my normal track anyway with the dream about the one I've wanted for two years, unfortunately i am not able to dream of a faceless nobody I can't get into that only someone real that I am actually attracted to, it would be easier if I had a physical type that i was attracted to maybe i could conjure up an aimmaginary person, but they are all different with me it's face voice and the the personality as presented through that physicality and they are all different short tall thin heavy and there is varying degrees of femininity or not but it isn't broadthere is a fairly specifically limited scope, I'm not attracted to the skinny big boobed ultra fem barbie doll looking women who could get any guy they wanted those women don't appeal to me. . . yes I'd turn down an Anjelina Jolie, for example. I also can take a touch of tomboyishness but I have always been a tomboy on the masculine side and I don't want any serious compettition that threatens mine. . . if anyone is going to mow the lawn . . .dammit it's gonna be me!!! and the only other physical criteria that exists is I most often prefer brunnettes, there have been exceptions, though. now, I went back to sleep after that dream and woke up depressed anyway then I had a long onesided conversation with God this morning before i got out of bed, and another factor was uncovered. see I am a fairly intellegwent person but my circumstances or credentials belie that, I never finished college, and i'm a blue collar worker(thanks to ADHD and alcoholism). Now I'm not one for delving into my childhood unravelling my life to find all the answers but, one thing did occur to me this morning I really must have a woman with some intelligence and some depth to her, and this does stem back to my childhood, see I wasn't a very happy child or teenager, and then finally in tenth grade we had an assignment in english to keep a journal she said it could be any of several things including poetry, that when i started writing and she gave me A's and B's with comments on them praising me in fact one comment said "is this original, if so write more"  so i owe findind my way of self expression to Gerri Gibbs my tenth grade english teacher, anyway my mother's comment (my mother is from the old school where you were just supposed to fulfill your role as wife and mother and depth and intellectual pursuits were for men, although she was a school teacher bvefore she  married my father [I'm adopted] a second grade teacher) so her comment about my poetry was "I don't want you to get caught up in thinking about all that stuff" just to give you another clue about who my mother is when I became a young adult she used to give me grief about wearing jeans and my reebok high tops on the basis of "grown women don't wear jeans and sneakers they wear (polyester) slcks and knee high hose" in fact one year when I was going to my brother's for thanksgiving and they were'nt going she admonished me not to wear jeanss and sneakers to take some nice clothes. so I took some "nice" clothes and everyone there for thanksgiving was wearing jeans and sneakers! So I told my brother, " I'm not going to change everyone else here is wearing jeans and sneakers ( I explained my conversation with mom to him) and  (this is when he used to be cool, an explanation for another time) he said:" you know what i'm going to call her up and I'm going to say 'Mom Amy came to thanksgiving and jaens and those boots. . .and we all liked them so much we're going to go out and get some!!!" 


Anyway, I guess if I'm a snob in anyway in my life it's this I look on shallowness with a bit of contempt in my heart, I can't respect (respect in the context where it is intertwined with admiraration) a lack of depth, maybe my depth wasn't treated with respect when I was young. In short, finally, an average shallow woman will not do for me, I had one long term relationship with a woman who didn't have much depth to her and i was lonlier than when I was alone. so when a woman of depth and intellegence (most of whom probably have college degrees and are successful in life look at never finished college blue collar worker Amy they aren't inclined to consider me ( Imust point out here, I don't know maybe for pride sake that last time i was in community college, right after my daughter was born, before I had to quit to take a job that paid well I was a part time student on the honors list in computer engineering technology, while I'm at it let me say when ai was in the military I was an electronics technician) plus look at my writing and tell me I am a typical blue collar "ne'er-do-well" anyway these are the things i was thinking about this morning. Okay here's a little tidbit for you:


Why so much self-disclosure on such a public forum? again my mother. Our family has always been so ultra secretive about every problem, don't weven let the extended family know my aunts and uncles have no idea who i am nor do even most of my cousins she doesn't even want them to know I attend AA. So i guess she doesn't want anyone to know who i am so I want everyone to know, but not just to defy her but because if people don't know who i am I feel lonely, however, the nice thing aobut this place is if you don't want to know you don't have to read my thread, and if you do and you don't understand, say you are somebody more like my mother shallow or keep everything a secret* (something that has definitely contributed to  the number of sick twisted dangerous people in this world) (also maybe the reason so many marriages don't last, because we, humanity, try to present ourselves as only what's best about us then when full disclosure comes later on there is diillusionment and things fall apart if society promoted more disclosure and everyone was seen for their full humanness maybe people would stay together if they knoew the whole story of who they were getting involved with up. Of course that's if it was more or less everyone was being their whole self, in which case other people's flawed humanity would be seen as eye level with your own, it's not this way but it would be a healthier world if it was!) *who cares, I don't know you and chances are I wouldn't value your opinion anyway!! I guess if you are that person you could let that make you mad if you wanted to but I'm just being honest, the opinions i value are those held by people with depth and kind hearts I'm not inclined to hold in high regard the opinions of shallow critical people. okay I've got to go do other things for a while, later. . .

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7 years ago  ::  Jul 17, 2010 - 5:57PM #8
Amycain
Posts: 4,385

I need to go through my big plastic tub of hand written stuff to find two things: 1. My buddy Glor brought up a poem i wrote a long time ago that she was thinking about called: " I Don't Want To Be Cool Anymore" and my 10th grade autobiography titled: "my Thus Far" In which (at the age of 15) I talk about how when i grow up i want to be a philosopher and a writer.


Wanna know what pisses me off? Well I'll tell ya! I had a bunch of cool insights at the pool today but didn't have a pen or anything to write on!! I did however record one thing on my phone which i remember anyway and don't need the recording on my phone for and that is that I'm pretty good at figuring things about about my life but not really great at utilizing those realizations in a practical and constructive way in my life. I haven't been writing much poetry lately and i decided it's time to delve back into some of the books i have that are good food for thought  instead of fictional novels but to get on track with that I kinda needed a new book to draw me into the groove so i stopped at Barnes and Noble on the way to the pool and pick up what I think is going to be the perfect one, I haven't even finished the Welcome (intro) section and I already like the way this woman thinks the book is called "How Philosophy Can Save Your Life" subtitled "10 Ideas That Matter Most" by Marietta McCarthy. Not only will it assist me in getting back onto reading books that supply food for thought but it has already given me some ideas about the meet-up group i was thinking of starting!!

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7 years ago  ::  Jul 17, 2010 - 7:31PM #9
Amycain
Posts: 4,385

Humanity's tendency to try to present as only the good things about ourselves and keep secret the flaws is part of what is wrong with this world, it is not healthy.

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7 years ago  ::  Jul 18, 2010 - 2:15AM #10
Amycain
Posts: 4,385

Sometimes a long winded one-sided conversation with God helps me sort through things when I am upset, and sometimes it is overkill and I just need to lighten up and occupy myself with other things!

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