Dear Matbud, I just wanted to let you know that, after much agonizing and praying, I decided to let Nicky stay in the program he is in. He says that he loves it, he listed off several of the staff members who he loves, and he said that he just barely knows the (30 or so) kids there and he doesn't want to have to learn a whole new set of kids. I told him that if he's sure he wants to be there, he has to act like it and behave himself.

Thank you so much for your advice and support...it was extremely helpful. Nicky's social worker (who works for another agency) said that he can go with me to meetings from now on, if that will help. I told him that would be great!

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you, Karen

Dear Wind, Thank you so much for your post. I have had the feeling that, even though there are some "negatives" about Nicky going to this program, the fact that he wants to choose to stay there (make his own choice about the matter) and keep on trying is a positive thing. (There are also many positive things about the program itself.) Thanks for reaffirming for me that he is wiser than he lets on sometimes...it has seemed that way to me for a long time, and I've been trying to let him grow and learn and take his chances as much as possible. It's hard on me sometimes, though.

I really do appreciate Matbud's advice and support, and the general atmosphere of caring and community here on this board. There are a lot of warm, wonderful people who come here.

Unfortunately, Nicky had an altercation with one of the girls today, and he was told that either he or the girl might get suspended. He also wrote a note to one of the staff members calling her the "b" word because he was mad about one of the rules. I haven't been able to get ahold of his counselor ("partner") to discuss the situation yet. I kept getting the answering machine when I called.

If you have the chance, wil you please let me know if you see anything about whether or not Nicky will be able to get his behaviour under control and stay in this program. Lately, I've been wishing that I could just homeschool him again...I think I'm feeling nostalgic for the two years I did try homeschooling him. (At least he didn't get suspended and I didn't have to take lots of phone calls about his problems and go to a lot of very stressful conferences.) But, if he can get back to doing well and stay in the program, I'm willing to let him and be supportive of his choice.

Thanks for everything! God bless you, Karen

Diana,

.....although your vacation brought you full circle in your way of thinking, it feels as though you fallen into somewhat of a rut yet again.   Can you see this?  It is always so easy to watch the success of others, while allowing our own best interests to fall by the wayside.  Many changes have begun, and are not anywhere near complete just yet.  Some of what you now see brings tears to your eyes, although you do not show them to others they glisten silently.

There were questions asked a while back that you have seen some of the answers come to you --- I know you do not like that which you have heard or seen in areas that concern your heart.......however there is good in there as well and in time a feeling of 'finally' well come almost immediatly bringing with it what might be described as a weight or sorts being lifted from your body.  Currently this weight rests upon your mind and is not of a physcal sense even if at times it may feel as though it is.  When times feel about as sluggish and one could ever imagine, it is at these times that you are being asked to take a deep breath.....one so deep you can feel it in the tips of your toes.  Strangly enough by the third breath things wont seem so silent or left unanswered for it is at this point that you will be able to feel your mind literally open wide.  Many ideas and plans will tumble in almost automatically without any ;outward help from you my dear. 

You are a lady filled with ideas, thoughts and grande adventures ---- all you keep under wraps quite tight so they can only be presented or said when the time feels absolutely perfect to you.  Alas such a time cannot come dear one for you are far too hard on yourself and can find fault in some of the greatest of plans.    It is quite difficult to get those close to you to open up and reveal their hopes, dreams and fears if they view your world as tightly wrapped. 

Someone has come to you in search of friendship or perhaps even a relationship of sorts.  If not yet, it is very soon.  They view you as a lady who has it all together.  WOW, that is quite a heavy load to bear my friend, try to encourage them to seek a more formal way to get the counsel they so despartly need, for if you reach too far to help you will find the burden far more than you would ever wish to handle.

There is light which appears on the horizon.......with this there comes a suggestion of relief of sorts.........for much of what you worried over will not come to be.  Life does indeed get brighter before long......yes a grandmother as one should be is without doubt.  Happiness and success comes in many forms my friend, try to keep the door open far enough so that when your package arrives you will indeed see it as the gift it truly is.

*****well not quite where I was looking to go with your peek into days ahead, but all in all it was actually pretty good awareness of how very wise you actually are my dear.  Wise beyond your years indeed.....you have many lessons to yet teach your daughter, some will actually bring laughter and joy to you both as they present.  If you have a moment my dear do let me know how things are moving along in your world these days.....I wonder often how your doing.

Love, Light and many new wonderful memories to cherish a lifetime......

~~WIND~~

Bkwrm,

My son Ian is having a lot of the same issues lately.  It seems to be a pattern of the onset of the end of school ( end of pattern and routine for Ian).  Every year when school is nearing an end, Ian begins to have more trouble.  It's due to stress.  Could this be the case for Nicky?   If not the end of school then maybe some thing is stressing him out or causing him worry?.  I send healing energies your way so that you are able to figure out the cause and resolve to this current issue. 

I agree with you I think more of my stress with Autism is not the kid rather the teacher's and school administrators who make me feel like a bad parent.  Like any child you do your best and that is not always enough but add Autism and come on!!  I would love to see what those teacher's would be like if they had to spend the last few years going through what we have gone through, fighting and pushing for our children and trying not to loose our hope, our minds, our tempers or ourselves in the process.  Be strong.  Know that nothing is perfect in this world but love and if you love your son you will always do for him what feels right and good in your heart and that could never be wrong. 

I see and feel how much you fight for your son, how much you worry and want what's best for him and with out ever meeting you, that tells me that you are a good mom.  I work in the CT Welfare system and I wish half my client's cared 1/2 as much about thier kids as you do for your son.  It's not easy, and it's not always joy filled but it's always worth it because in the end our children deserve the same as all other children a fair chance and a good life.  Be strong, you are not alone.

Dear Matbud, Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I almost cried the first time I read your post (a day or two ago)...tears of joy. I just re-read it and it helped me again.

I am seriously considering taking my son out of his day therapy program. He is struglling with boundaries (not messing with other kids' chairs, clothes, stuff) and he is being picked on by some of the other kids. He is supposed to tell a counselor if someone hits him or anything like that, but the counselors don't always handle the situation the way that Nicky or I think they should. Nicky has started to develop an angry, defensive attitude, saying that he is going to hit back and defend himself every time because he doesn't feel safe anymore.

Thank you so much for all of your support, encouragement, and empathy. I am sending healing energy to you and your family, too.         Blessings, Karen Johnson