Post Reply
Page 1 of 3  •  1 2 3 Next
Switch to Forum Live View getting rid of grudges
6 years ago  ::  Feb 29, 2008 - 9:35PM #1
IHOP
Posts: 2,180
not going into details here... (but I can if you need me too)

How do you get rid of a grudge?

I've kind of been holding onto a grudge now for about 2 years.  It hasn't affected my grudgee at all, and she seems oblivious, and frankly, I'm probably missing out on a lovely relationship... better than what it could be.

So... what do I do to get over it?
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 03, 2008 - 10:52PM #2
MsCGheartofohio
Posts: 745
My instinct would be to find a way to clear the air.  If this is a person that you want to maintain a relationship with, it could be a good way to start moving forward again.  Otherwise, the grudge will always be a barrier between you. 

If a person has truly hurt you, a grudge to me is a self defense mechanism.  If you can forgive and forget, you can still maintain a relationship, but avoid situations where the person can hurt you again.  I had a good friend for several years who ended up taking serious financial and emotional advantage of me.  It completely changed our relationship, and I stayed clear of her for a long time.  She, on the other hand, really didn't "get" it - under her value system, she didn't see that she had done anything wrong.  I still see her socially once in a while, and can have a good time while we're out, but it doesn't go any farther than that.  We're not involved in each other's lives, and that works for me.

If the grudge stems from some offense or slight that, though painful is not serious, you could bring it up in a casual way, or even send one of those "just because" cards with a note.   If you initiate it, you can set the tone - in a matter-of-fact way, or even with a humorous spin, depending on what suits you.   If, as you say, she's probably oblivious, she may be surprised or even shocked.   But you deserve the opportunity to make your feelings known, IMO.

Hope this is helpful?
CG
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 04, 2008 - 10:22AM #3
Motherhealer13
Posts: 237
To get to Forgiveness...we first have to work through the painful experiences that require it.

I have a coworker that was viscious and mean.  I had to do a lot of soul searching to find out why this happened at each job I went to for 20 yrs....i finally came to the realization that....She didn't come into my life for me to learn....I came into hers for her to learn.  That changed my perspective.  I was able to heal now...it wasn't all about me.

I practiced breathing in the White Light of the Holy Spirit as I walked by her desk....and on my exhale I expanded that white light to a distance that wouldn't allow her negativity in.  It really worked.  I did have to practice though, and once I did it well I found it always works.  Another is to surround yourself w/Mirrors facing outward, so that any evil mean spirited things come back to that person.

This may not be an exact solution to you, but for me....too many years went by while I obsorbed this persons sickness, and misery.  I can now feel empathy for her sad life, and not be effected by it.  Good luck, Tams
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 06, 2008 - 10:47PM #4
IHOP
Posts: 2,180

MsCGheartofohio wrote:

My instinct would be to find a way to clear the air.  If this is a person that you want to maintain a relationship with, it could be a good way to start moving forward again.  Otherwise, the grudge will always be a barrier between you. 

If a person has truly hurt you, a grudge to me is a self defense mechanism.  If you can forgive and forget, you can still maintain a relationship, but avoid situations where the person can hurt you again.  I had a good friend for several years who ended up taking serious financial and emotional advantage of me.  It completely changed our relationship, and I stayed clear of her for a long time.  She, on the other hand, really didn't "get" it - under her value system, she didn't see that she had done anything wrong.  I still see her socially once in a while, and can have a good time while we're out, but it doesn't go any farther than that.  We're not involved in each other's lives, and that works for me.

If the grudge stems from some offense or slight that, though painful is not serious, you could bring it up in a casual way, or even send one of those "just because" cards with a note.   If you initiate it, you can set the tone - in a matter-of-fact way, or even with a humorous spin, depending on what suits you.   If, as you say, she's probably oblivious, she may be surprised or even shocked.   But you deserve the opportunity to make your feelings known, IMO.

Hope this is helpful?
CG


Thing is... I thought I HAD cleared the air... but her response to it was so unsatisfactory (and her following actions so unchanged) that I guess I never quite did the "letting go" part.

I've just got to let go.

As it is, I have a hard time returning her calls.. even though she DOES call me on occasion.

Motherhealer13 wrote:

To get to Forgiveness...we first have to work through the painful experiences that require it.

I have a coworker that was viscious and mean.  I had to do a lot of soul searching to find out why this happened at each job I went to for 20 yrs....i finally came to the realization that....She didn't come into my life for me to learn....I came into hers for her to learn.  That changed my perspective.  I was able to heal now...it wasn't all about me.

I practiced breathing in the White Light of the Holy Spirit as I walked by her desk....and on my exhale I expanded that white light to a distance that wouldn't allow her negativity in.  It really worked.  I did have to practice though, and once I did it well I found it always works.  Another is to surround yourself w/Mirrors facing outward, so that any evil mean spirited things come back to that person.

This may not be an exact solution to you, but for me....too many years went by while I obsorbed this persons sickness, and misery.  I can now feel empathy for her sad life, and not be effected by it.  Good luck, Tams



I'm glad that worked for you.  I don't know that that would work for me...

Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 06, 2008 - 11:01PM #5
IHOP
Posts: 2,180
I guess... here's the story...

It's going to be a little vague, since a lot of this is a feelings thing... and I can't really explain it too well...

here we go...

About two years ago, I was pregnant.  I drove up to her area to visit my family, and she lived up there, so I'd visit her.  But instead of meeting halfway between my families house and hers, we'd always have to go all the way to her house.  and many times when we get to her house, she'd be out and shopping with her mom, and her husband would call adn let her know we arrived.

(by the way, her husband is my husbands best friend, and she was a good friend of mine before they married)

Then, as I got VERY pregnant, she bought something for my baby, and said "oh, but I gotta get it to you soon"  and asked when I was coming up again.  I told her taht I would NOT be driving up there untill well after the baby was born.  she said "Oh but how will I get this to you?" and I said "well, you have the day off work, you could always do a day trip down here" and she said "yeah, but you know me, I'm lazy." and I said "And I'm BIG and PREGNANT!  who's got the better excuse?!"

Then after the baby was born, they were invited to the baptism... but the husband was on call.  At this point she was newly pregnant, and said she didn't want to drive down here by herself.  Never mind that I was a bridesmaid in her wedding when I was 4 months pregnant, and I had driven up to her area without my husband plenty of times.

After a couple of months, I did clear the air, and she was like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and I said that all I'm saying is that we should be able to meet halfway or something.

Then she discovered she was having twins.  yes I was jealous of her, but I thought I was mostly happy for her. 

I told her the babies would be small so make sure she had a supply of preemie diapers and clothing.  she told me they wouldn't be.

They were.

I told her breastfeeding would be tricky, especially with twins, and she needed to join La leche and buy into the philosophy, even before the girls were born.  She didn't.

She had a lot of trouble nursing, and quit before the year was up.

She complained in an email to me about the Xmas gifts her sister gave to her and her husband.  this while my husband was deployed and the only way I was going to get a gift was if I bought MYSELF the gift.

I just find the conversations with her... hard to bear.  I believe I'm still holding a grudge against her.  She just seems so inane.  Or am I grudging?
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 07, 2008 - 1:04AM #6
Devona
Posts: 230
Hi Ihop,

About the driving and you always being the one to drive to her - Is it possible that this friend is simply a nervous driver?  Maybe she's afraid to drive to your house alone? 

My sister lives in Philadelphia - right in the city - and I live in more rural Pennsylvania.  I'm terrified to drive  into Philly to visit her, so she always has to come to me or I take the train down.  Of course, she KNOWS that I'm a wuss when it comes to city driving - maybe your friend is the same way but hasn't admitted it to you?

About the other stuff - the gifts and the fact that she doesn't seem to 'hear' your advice.  Some people are just not empathic enough to see how their actions or words affect others......they only see things in terms of affecting themselves.  Sad but true - in that case the best thing to do might be to remind her!  Give her a little reality check....     Like with the christmas gift thing -  you could have just said what you wrote here - that the only way you'd be getting a gift would be to buy it yourself since your husband was deployed! 

Now, on the other hand,  if she's simply just way too self-centered to drive or think about you and you can't talk to her and get thru.........and it's more stressful to see her than not.....well, you might remember that some friends come into our lives for only a 'season'. 

Maybe her season is over!

Blessings,
Devona
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 09, 2008 - 8:53PM #7
IHOP
Posts: 2,180

Devona wrote:


Now, on the other hand,  if she's simply just way too self-centered to drive or think about you and you can't talk to her and get thru.........and it's more stressful to see her than not.....well, you might remember that some friends come into our lives for only a 'season'. 

Maybe her season is over!

Blessings,
Devona





I've more and more come to this conclusion... I'd hate for it to actually be over though... our husbands have been close friends for a VERY long time, and I would hate for this to interfere with their relationship.

but I just noticed... my reason for not wanting it to end, had nothing to do with US... it probably is time.

I'd say we've already knocked our relationship down a level... I suppose I'm probably just mourning the demotion.:rolleyes:

Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 2:34AM #8
Devona
Posts: 230
Hi Ihop,

you know, friendships change all the time.......it's too bad that this one took a step backwards but maybe that's just how it's meant to be - for now. 

take care.

Blessings,
Devona
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 2:34AM #9
Devona
Posts: 230
Hi Ihop,

you know, friendships change all the time.......it's too bad that this one took a step backwards but maybe that's just how it's meant to be - for now. 

take care.

Blessings,
Devona
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Mar 20, 2008 - 11:26PM #10
riann
Posts: 18
[QUOTE=IHOP;323650]not going into details here... (but I can if you need me too)

How do you get rid of a grudge?

I've kind of been holding onto a grudge now for about 2 years.  It hasn't affected my grudgee at all, and she seems oblivious, and frankly, I'm probably missing out on a lovely relationship... better than what it could be.

So... what do I do to get over it?[/QUOTE]
I don't know what this person did to you but you may want to examine what that person"s actions or behaviors are triggering in your own personality. I've personally found that most of my grudges were the result of a behavior or action that reflected some part of my own shadow self. note: this involves being brutally honest and forgiving yourself! Hope that helps :)
Quick Reply
Cancel
Page 1 of 3  •  1 2 3 Next
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook