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8 years ago  ::  Jun 08, 2010 - 10:32PM #1
Posts: 1

The Bible

Where should I begin?

Um… How about the beginning?

Although I suppose I could tell you what happened before the beginning.

But then again, I don’t want to take all the mystery out of it.

I mean, in this business, if you just put all of your cards on the table, odds are you’re not going to end up with a bestseller.

So let’s just start with the beginning.

In the beginning, there was nothing.

Kind of like a dark, empty region in outer space.

Although there wasn’t any darkness at all.  Or space.  Or time.

Wait--maybe there was time.

I don’t remember--it was such a long time ago.

Anyways, the point is, from nothing, I created something.


Uh… just listen to the story and keep your mouth shut.

First there was light.  And it was good.

Then there was a sky, water, and land.  And they were good.

And then there were plants.  And they were good.

I was on quite a streak.

So I followed up by adding a sun, moon, and stars.

And--you guessed it--they were good.

Then there were birds, fish, insects, and animals.

They were also good.

And finally, I made human beings in my own image. (Well--pretty much in my own image.  Aside from the fact that I don’t have any toenails.  And I’m invisible.)

And they were good.

And that was it.

An entire universe.

It took me a week.  (In fact, I finished a day early and spent Sunday watching football. --By the way, I started on Monday--)

I’m God.

No big deal.

But remember when I said human beings were good?

Well--I might’ve jumped to conclusions.

(In retrospect, I probably should’ve spent an extra day on them.)

I mean, I gave you one rule.

“Don’t eat the apples on that tree.”

That’s it.

And what did you do?

You ate the apples on the tree.

And to make matters worse, you didn’t even own up to it.

Instead, everyone was pointing fingers at someone else.

The man blamed it on the woman.

The woman blamed it on a talking snake.

The snake blamed it on a talking bush.

And the bush blamed it on the Democrats. 

I was mad.

I probably should’ve just hit the reset button and started all over.

But I thought to myself, “Well, they might not be perfect--but they’re not that bad.”

Besides, I figured having imperfect humans would make things a little more interesting.

I mean, no one’s going to care about a world full of sinless saints.

So instead of killing you, I punished you.

Your days of free room and board were over

But to be honest, I think the change was for the best.

I mean, sitting around all day eating fruit really isn’t much of a life.

So I relocated you.

And then what happened?

I turned my back for a millennium or two, and the next thing I knew, you were abusing the hell out of each other.

So I, uh, did a little remodeling, and dropped some of you off in Turkey.

And a few hundred years later, I decided to choose a random guy.


Do you ever stop with the questions?!

Anyways, I told my chosen man he’d be entitled to a Promised Land.

But I didn’t give it to him right away.


I’ll tell you why!

If you just hand things over to people, they usually won’t think much of them.  But make them wait a half a millennium, and believe me, they’ll treasure it like it’s the Holy Grail. (I mean, even nowadays, a few thousand years later, they’re still pretty attached to their land.)

Anyways, I sent my chosen one’s descendants to Egypt, and made them wait a while.  Although to be perfectly honest, I thought they were still hanging out in their native land.  I got a little distracted with running one of my other universes, and I just plumb forgot about them.

(But on the plus side, their stay in Egypt made for a pretty good story.)

So I led my people out of Egypt, gave them a few hundred laws, made them wait another few decades (--again, you gotta make them wait--), and gave them a chunk of land about the size of New Jersey.

And all in all, I’d say they had a pretty good time there.

But they ended up worshipping other gods (I tried to tell them I was jealous, but they just wouldn’t listen), and I more or less brought their kingdom to an end.




But after a while, I felt like the market was ripe for a sequel*--so I sent my son down to shake things up a bit. 

Or did I send myself down?    

I’m not sure.

Either way, my son and/or I took the form of a bearded long-haired fellow in sandals, and went on a mission preaching to and healing the people, turning water into wine and wine into popsicles, riding reindeer and delivering gifts, hopping around in a bunny suit and laying chocolate eggs, building a flying treehouse out of magic wood, and using the tree house to go from town to town with my twelve partners in Christ.  

Part Two was hardly anything like Part One--and most people really noticed.

In fact, one group was so upset about the changes that it banded together and killed me.

(I don’t want to say who, but I’ll give you a clue: it starts with a “J,” and rhymes with “Jews.”)

I knew what was coming, but I decided to go with it.


Well, if you must know why, I’ll tell you:

Because I told you a long time ago that ** /I’d be persecuted/rejected and killed/ all of this would happen.


If you ask me one more question, I’m going to have Zeus send a lightning bolt down there and toast your tuchis.

But getting back to our story, I rose from the dead, did my thing for a few more weeks, and then relocated uptown and moved back in with my self and my other self. 

Oh yeah: Don’t steal, don’t kill, love others, say your prayers, take your vitamins, wear clean underwear, do unto others, yada yada yada. 



P.S. I hate cigarettes, bundles of wood, and FAGS (Fundamentalists Against Gay Sex).


*I actually sent a few hundred previews of the sequel over the years--but for some reason, no one seemed to care.

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8 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2010 - 1:42PM #2
Posts: 53,304

VERY often, while The Original IS "Good," The re-Makes and Sequels ... FLOP ...

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