There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage... but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.
So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.
The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the voyage.
Upon returning home, he realized that he had a huge barrel filled with "excess", so he sold it to a candle maker.
After the next voyage, he returned to the candle maker offering another barrel for sale.
"NO WAY" said the candle maker
"why not" asked the captain "didn't it make good wax?"
"sure it did, the candles were excellent"
"so then, whats the problem?"
"well," replied the candlemaker.... "you see that convent up on the hill? It's full of pregnant nuns!"
Mother Superior: "Welcome to the Convent of Silence, Sister Mary Katherine. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct yo to do so."
Five years pass.
Mother Superior: "You have remained silent for five years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine: "Hard bed."
Mother Superior: "I'm sorry to hear that. We will get you a better bed."
Five more years pass.
Mother Superior: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
Sister Mary Katherine: "Cold food."
Mother Superior: "I am quite sorry. We will instruct the cook to ensure your food is warmer in the future."
Five years later. . .
Mother Superior: "You may say two words only today."
Sister Mary Katherine: "I quit."
Mother Superior: "It's probably for the best. You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
Four Nuns die in a plane crash. Upon arrival at the Holy Gates, St. Peter meets them and says that they have to answer one question that will be verified in the Book Of Life before they can enter into the Heavenly kingdom.
The question is "Have you ever touched a man's Private?"
The first nun steps up and says no, but I've seen one in a book.
St. Peter says hold on one moment while I verify your answer...
He returns and says You are correct on Dec. 17, 1964, you saw a man's private in the worldbook encyclopedia, so go wash your face in the holy water and enter the gates of heaven!
The second nun steps up and the same question is asked to her....
she replies I once touched one with my finger.
St. peter goes away for a moment and comes back and states that she has not lied, and that in fact that on Sept. 11, 2001 she had a momentary weakness and did indeed touch a man's private with one finger.
He tells her to go and wash her hand in the holy water and enter into the gates of heaven!
Now the third and fourth nuns start yelling at each other and soon end up rolling around in a dog eat dog fight...
saint Peter says "ladies, we can't be fighting like this if you are going to enter into the gates of heaven, so what is the problem? "
The fourth nun states " I am going to wash my mouth out with that Holy water before she puts her booty in it !!!
