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6 years ago  ::  Nov 01, 2007 - 5:15PM #1
bamagilr663
Posts: 1
Four Nuns die in a plane crash.  Upon arrival at the Holy Gates, St. Peter meets them and says that they have to answer one question that will be verified in the Book Of Life before they can enter into the Heavenly kingdom. 
The question is "Have you ever touched a man's Private?"

The first nun steps up and says no, but I've seen one in a book.
St. Peter says hold on one moment while I verify your answer...
He returns and says You are correct on Dec. 17, 1964, you saw a man's private in the worldbook encyclopedia, so go wash your face in the holy water and enter the gates of heaven!

The second nun steps up and the same question is asked to her....
she replies I once touched one with my finger.
St. peter goes away for a moment and comes back and states that she has not lied, and that in fact that on Sept. 11, 2001 she had a momentary  weakness and did indeed touch a man's private with one finger. 
He tells her to go and wash her hand in the holy water and enter into the gates of heaven!

Now the third and fourth nuns start yelling at each other and soon end up rolling around in a dog eat dog fight...
saint Peter says "ladies, we can't be fighting like this if you are going to enter into the gates of heaven, so what is the problem? " 

The fourth nun states " I am going to wash my mouth out with that Holy water before she puts her booty in it !!!
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 06, 2007 - 7:02PM #2
MoHskrNut
Posts: 46
That is sooo twisted but I loved it.  I had to tell me wife the minute I read it.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 07, 2007 - 3:13PM #3
wrenblue
Posts: 1
Mother Superior: "Welcome to the Convent of Silence, Sister Mary Katherine. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct yo to do so."

Five years pass.

Mother Superior: "You have remained silent for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine: "Hard bed."

Mother Superior: "I'm sorry to hear that. We will get you a better bed."

Five more years pass.

Mother Superior: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

Sister Mary Katherine: "Cold food."

Mother Superior: "I am quite sorry. We will instruct the cook to ensure your food is warmer in the future."

Five years later. . .

Mother Superior: "You may say two words only today."

Sister Mary Katherine: "I quit."

Mother Superior: "It's probably for the best. You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 09, 2007 - 9:14PM #4
IHOP
Posts: 2,180
There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage... but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.

So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel.  If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.

The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the voyage.

Upon returning home, he realized that he had a huge barrel filled with "excess", so he sold it to a candle maker.

After the next voyage, he returned to the candle maker offering another barrel for sale.

"NO WAY" said the candle maker

"why not" asked the captain "didn't it make good wax?"

"sure it did, the candles were excellent"

"so then, whats the problem?"

"well,"  replied the candlemaker.... "you see that convent up on the hill?  It's full of pregnant nuns!"


:D
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2007 - 11:22PM #5
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
If a fully-loaded 747 was to crash directly on the border between France and Germany, where would you bury the survivors?



No place.





Generally speaking, you don't bury survivors.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A two-engined 6-passenger Cessna crashed into a Polish cemetary; rescue workers have found hundreds of bodies, and expect to find many more.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 15, 2008 - 8:46AM #6
Indigo_dingo
Posts: 9
If a Japanese plane with an American pilot full of New Zealand tourists was flying from Australia to England on Singapore Airlines and crashed on the border between Pakistan and India, where would you bury the dead?

In a cemetery.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2008 - 4:18PM #7
zenman1
Posts: 591
ihop.....that's  just plain  WRONG ! .... just  kiddin'

Here's  a  couple....

The  mother  superior  was  counseling  a  couple  of  the  nuns  that  were  about  to leave the  convent  and  return  to  the  worldly  life.   She  said  you  must  beware  of  men  and  their  behaviors.  They will  tell  you  anything  and  not  mean  it.  They will  coax  you into  having  congugal  relations,  have their  way  with  you,  and  then  give  you  money.

sister  marie  questions....you  mean  they  will  do  these  things  and  use   our  body  and  actually  give  us  money?

yes  my  dear,  beware.....

Well,  the  priest  does  all of  that  and  only  gives  us  apples.

__________

After  10  yrs.  of  celebate  and  intense  preparations  to  be  ordained  an  official  monk.   The  head   monk  teacher  devised  a  test  of  the  men's  control  of  thier  lustful  animal  nature .   A  bell  was  hung  from  the   unit / member  of  the   row  of
renunciates  as  an  indicator  of  this  final  TEST.

A  beautiful  blond  nude  woman  paraded  before  the  row  of  potential  monks.  When she  got  to  the  last  one  the  bell  gingled  and gangled / rang.   The  final  monk  who's  attentiveness  was  causing  the  ringing  apologized  profussly  and begged  for  a  second  chance  at  the  test.  And  so  this  repeated  with  a  nude  red  head,  and  the  result  was  the  same.   He  begged again  for  a  third  chance.

The  brunett  caused  the  same   reaction......the  bell  fell  off  from  the  monk's  unit  and  as  he  bent  over  to  pick it  up......the  line  of  bells  all  began  to  ding  a ..lingle...ling.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2008 - 5:29PM #8
zenman1
Posts: 591
variation  of  ihop's  joke  has  the  "your  turn in the barrel"  punch  line....sorry  I'm from Cal.

____________

The  three  sisters  were  discussing  what  happened  when  they   were  cleaning  out  father  o'malley's  desk,  The  first  said  she  had  found  a  pack  of  condominiums....oh  my!  The  second  found  them  too    and  decided  she  would  teach  him  a  lesson  by  poking  holes in them......here it  comes....

The  third  sister  fainted ! 

______________

After  the  teenage  boy  got  in  trouble  once  too  often,  and  was  receiving  terrible  grades.....the  parents  decided  on  catholic  school  for  the lad.

Grades  came  in  some  months  later.  The  grades  were  all "A's".  The  parents  were  overjoyed  and  said  these  teachers  must  be  great !?!

"Not  really", said   the  boy......just  everywhere  I  look  I  see  that  previous  student  nailed  to  the  cross  and  know  they  mean  business.

_____________

Jesus....."Let  ye who  is  without  sin .... among  you  .....  cast  the   first  stone.......

OUCH....!   Not  counting  you....mother...!
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 26, 2008 - 5:33AM #9
smoothsable
Posts: 85
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.  One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
 
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.  The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

'The curlers are on me.'
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 26, 2008 - 5:33AM #10
smoothsable
Posts: 85
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.  One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
 
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.  The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

'The curlers are on me.'
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