Dear Janis-

Thanks for your sympathy. My father died back in 1975, so he never got to know any of his grandchildren. The last time I talked to him he had called to tell me that I was going to be an Aunt. He was gone 4 days later.

If it makes you feel any better, there are a lot of people who don't know how to talk to a widow regardless of how it happened. They don't know quite what to say--or are still stuck on some juvenile ideal about having all gatherings being boy/girl/boy/girl. The ones that you need to hear are being asked how you are, if there's any help they can give you, and just their condolences for the loss you've suffered.

In the meantime, I'll be here for you--I think that sometimes just knowing that someone out there actually heard you can change a lot of things. The only problem with the internet is that hugs don't travel well--but consider yourself hugged, with a shoulder attached.

Dear Janis,

I'm so sorry for the pain and anquish you are suffering from right now.They say that men are more likely to succeed at suicide because they don't share how much pain they are in and tend to use methods that are harder to reverse. No, he didn't thin of you, your children grandchildren or what his death would do to you.

You can't help someone who doesn't ask for it. You can't pick up signals from someone who doesn't show any. As you said, this was his decision--and he left you holding the bag on everything. He may have been suffering from severe clinical depression, which causes a chemical imbalance in the brain chemistry. In that case he wasn't thinking clearly; if it was any sort of mental illness it would have been cured the moment of his death and he would still have gone home to God.

My own mother was angry at my father for years after he died. He'd been told a massive heart attack could happen and to go straight to the hospital. Instead he lied to all of us and had that 3rd heart attack. After that it was all borrowed time. He was only 47.

I'd suggest trying to find some survivor groups in your area. If that isn't something you can handle, go to the Depression support group here. We have people who have lost their partners as well as many other causes of depression. Check out the Front Desk thread to see a view of who we are and how we try to be there for each other. They are my support group and electronic family for me, and you will be very welcome there. I now that with the holidays it just makes the whole think more painful.  There are many religious groups here as well if that's where you will be more comfortable.

 I'll be checking back here for you as well. You aren't alone--if you need to talk, I'll listen. I suggested the Depression Forum because the people there are some of the most supportive, non-judgmental people I've ever met, and you can share as much or little as you wish. There's even a place called "THe Padded Cell" for ranting and raving that won't be discussed unless you want it to be.

I'm sure that the kids and grandkids are all coming to you for comfort. this is a group of people who will be there to comfort and support you.In the meantime, just take it in as many chunks of time as you can handle. I'll be praying for you.

When someone is really determined to commit suicide, they can act as if nothing is wrong. In fact, depressed people can actually seem to be better, more upbeat because they've finally made their minds up about what to do. Men have a higher "success" rate because they tend to use methods that can't be reversed--not pills or anything where there's a chance to have people revive them.

I'm, so very, very sorry for the living Hell that you are going through and especially that you were the one to find him. Years ago that was what kept me from suicide when my world had come crashing down--that the person to find me would have been my mother and what it would do to her and after that what destroying her would do to the extended family.

With the economy and the world in the shape it is, I can understand someone just giving up. If he was hiding a depression from you, his suicide was due to mental illness and god doesn't hold that against us.

I'm very proud of you for just getting through this past year without giving up yourself. I know that it has had to take just about every drop of strength you have just to get through each day and I hope that your co-workers have been supportive of you.

One thing about beliefnet that I've seen happen over and over is that people tend to find their way here when they need it the most. I'd like for you to check out the Depression forum, where you will meet some very supportive, non-judgmental and caring people. We all have a range of depression for a range of reasons--including the deaths of spouses, and in  at least one case  a woman whose son committed suicide. They have become my therapy group and my electronic family.

I'm 56; part of my depression is due to having been in physical pain for 27 years. I just passed the anniversary date of the injuries that set where I am now into motion and also caused me to miscarry my first pregnancy. I tried to cope with it by holding things in, but as my pain increased it got harder. I was very blessed to have a son several years later--he's 24 and married for almost 2 years now. When I miscarried, no one was sure if I'd even be able to get pregnant, much less carry to term.  so after over a year of trying, I got pregnant as soon as I gave up and took tests to try and work for the state government.

We have at least one other person there who never had children either. Check out the Front Desk thread and you can get an idea of the people there. New people are always welcome, and we do our best to help each other...and we try to help and pray for each other.

It has been a blessing in my life--and you won't be alone any more--we will all be there for you and listen. Again, I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I hope to see you on the Depression support threads.