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3 years ago  ::  Sep 27, 2011 - 5:47AM #1
Jasmine1
Posts: 1

The expected death of a friend or loved one changes your relationship – sometimes for the better, bringing you closer together, but sometimes for the worse. It can be incredibly difficult and awkward for many people to talk to their dying loved one. You might find yourself wondering “What do I say?” and “How will I know when I’ve said enough?”

elief #1: “If I talk about his illness, I will only upset him more.”


It’s a common belief that talking about someone’s illness or impending death will only upset them. Many people are surprised to find that a dying person wants to talk about what’s happening to them. In fact, many dying people are thinking the same thing - that talking about what’s happening to them will only upset their friend or loved one.


Belief #2: “Talking about her illness or impeding death will make it worse, or even cause her to die sooner.”


Some people believe that talking about death will actually make it happen sooner. They may think that discussing death will stress the dying person and could bring about a heart attack. They may also fear that if the dying person accepts their own death that they will give up and die sooner.


This belief is entirely unfounded. While talking about death can be stressful for the dying person and their loved ones, it can also be therapeutic and healing for the dying person as well as their family and friends.


Of course, not everyone will want to talk about dying. If your or your dying loved one truly don’t want to discuss their death, that’s okay too. There are other things you can talk about.

Moderated by Beliefnet_community on Dec 18, 2011 - 02:00PM
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 01, 2011 - 12:08AM #2
Stardove
Posts: 15,297

My husband and I had already said our good byes to a friend who was dying from cancer.  About a week later when I called to check on her she asked, why aren't you here?  I told Jackie I am on my way.  She had been on a morphine drip for six days already in the hospital. 


When I arrived at her room she told all the family to leave and asked me, what do I need to do to die?  Hold my breath? and with that she tried holding her breath.  I laughed and told her it wasn't going to be that easy.


Over the next five days I stayed with her and I shared about death and dying with not only her, but her family.  Her son said to me when I first arrived, I guess mom wanted you here because you are the most spiritual person she knows.


When the time finally arrived all the family was not in the room, because Jackie had made her wishes known that she only wanted me to be her when she crossed over to the other side. 


When I left my home after the phone call  I had no idea I would be spending the next five days at the hospital being a teacher of death to my friend and her family as well. 


RIP Jackie.


I do believe we don't need to be afraid to talk about death with those who have a terminal disease.  They need to talk.  Their loved ones need to talk and sometimes just being there is listen is enough.

Beliefnet Community Wide Moderator ~ Peace Love Stardove
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The words I speak and write carry energy and power, so I choose them with care and clear purpose. 

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 01, 2011 - 10:19PM #3
Larosser
Posts: 413

I'm sure it's been mentioned here before, but Forrest Church wrote a wonderful little book called Love and Death that I recommend to anyone who is dealing intimately with death. About half way through (page seventy-something, I think) is what amounts to a one page set of instructions for visiting with the dying. I actually gave this to several people to read who wanted to visit with my dad in his last days but were somehow uncomfortable. It was very helpful.


 


La

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 04, 2011 - 12:58AM #4
JulieLouise
Posts: 8

It's very nice, to be a teacher of death. It's not easy to talk about death with a dying person. You don't want to appear like you are hastening things. But for at least some dying people, it is comforting. They may be scared.


When I was with my dying boyfriend, I did not feel like broaching the subject because I wanted to spend time with him without having death in mind. I was a bit of an escapist. I wish now I had asked him more about how he saw things. He did say he had no choice and was looking forward to it, because he could not bear the pain and his body anymore. He felt reassured by certain things that I told him: ''You will finally know the Great Answer, man! Everything we want to know about God and the universe, you'll know!'' It sounds stupid but he liked that, it relieved him.


At the very end, there were few words, many ''I love you'' and lots of soft touching. Touching is important.


I do think they know when to ''release'' it. They choose their moment. I feel my boyfriend chose his moment to depart.

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3 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2011 - 4:35AM #5
bellybeans
Posts: 26

I always have a fear of dying and I always question human existence but since I have discovered the true essence of life and human existence I have finally accepted it. 

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3 years ago  ::  Dec 19, 2011 - 8:58PM #6
christine3
Posts: 7,007

Dec 18, 2011 -- 4:35AM, bellybeans wrote:

I always have a fear of dying and I always question human existence but since I have discovered the true essence of life and human existence I have finally accepted it. 





That's a great big step because remember how you felt when it was such a fearful thing?  But I believe nothing dies, it just changes.

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2 years ago  ::  May 07, 2012 - 2:31AM #7
Swim4fun
Posts: 24

Sep 27, 2011 -- 5:47AM, Jasmine1 wrote:

The expected death of a friend or loved one changes your relationship – sometimes for the better, bringing you closer together, but sometimes for the worse. It can be incredibly difficult and awkward for many people to talk to their dying loved one. You might find yourself wondering “What do I say?” and “How will I know when I’ve said enough?”

elief #1: “If I talk about his illness, I will only upset him more.”


It’s a common belief that talking about someone’s illness or impending death will only upset them. Many people are surprised to find that a dying person wants to talk about what’s happening to them. In fact, many dying people are thinking the same thing - that talking about what’s happening to them will only upset their friend or loved one.


Belief #2: “Talking about her illness or impeding death will make it worse, or even cause her to die sooner.”


Some people believe that talking about death will actually make it happen sooner. They may think that discussing death will stress the dying person and could bring about a heart attack. They may also fear that if the dying person accepts their own death that they will give up and die sooner.


This belief is entirely unfounded. While talking about death can be stressful for the dying person and their loved ones, it can also be therapeutic and healing for the dying person as well as their family and friends.


Of course, not everyone will want to talk about dying. If your or your dying loved one truly don’t want to discuss their death, that’s okay too. There are other things you can talk about.


I think it is ok to talk about her illness or impending death with a concerning and loving heart.  It is not nessacerry to aviod discussing the truth with someone who is suffering. Sometimes, talking the death we all fear may be taken as a relief, helping us see more deepen meaning of our life.



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