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Switch to Forum Live View I lost my only child, Stephanie, in a terrible car accident exactly 4 months ago. I am so lost and l
3 years ago  ::  Feb 09, 2011 - 11:57PM #1
shelliedcck
Posts: 2
     Stephanie was 22 yrs old, beautiful (inside and out) and had everything going for her. Her story is a tragic love story...Jake, the love of her life (since 7th grade) died with her that day. They had something special. She loved every tiny thing about him and he literally doted on her every whim. They were a very peace-loving and responsible young adults preparing to graduate from KU this spring and had plans for their lives together.

     I am having a rough time with this...it's such an ugly and horrible thing to have to experience for anyone. I feel like I have lost my purpose. I am a single mother. I have never felt so very alone, as I now do. The pain of it is unbearable at times and it scares me.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 11, 2011 - 11:30AM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,299

Dear Shellie,


 I can only offer you my deepest sympathy for the painl onelisness, and emptiness you are dealing with right now. I might have been in your shoes just at the middle of December, when we let our married son borrow our car to take his wife out for their one year anniversary. It was technically his fault even though the other driver was talking on a cell she was holding while driving. (This is becoming against the law in several communities here, but ours isn't one of them.)totalled out the other car, did $7, 300 to ours and we just got it back on February 1st after being in the shop for 45 days.


 We kept stressing to our insurance that he had the car with our permission and the only thing we cared about was that both drivers were okay. If the point of impact had been further back, we could easily have lost him. It took a few days of repeatedly telling him we were happy the front of the car exploded and not him. His wife obviously feels the same,and was in shock herself...I think she was surprised there was no yelling or anger on our part because he's here.


  Have you checked to see if there is a Compassionate Friends grou[ in your area or through your church? This is a peer group for those who have also lost children way too early. At least they would be people who would understand the pain you are going through right now.


  YOu might also find support her on the Depression support forum. People there have lost family members in some cases. Non denominational, andwe try to help each other get through the next day or even hour for your pain.


Have you been put on any medication for depression? The emotional, spiritual, and physical pain you are going through would stress out anyone. Clinical depression occurs when the body is undertoo much stress it can affect the brain chemically. I've seen CAT scans for someone with a "normal" brain and that of a depressed person and even I was surprised by how dramatic the difference was. Stress can actually affect the brain by altering the chemical balance of the fluid around the brain. Taking an anti-depressant to correct the balance is not the same as suffering a mental illness. You can't be "cheered up" out of a chemical imbalance any more than a diabetic could "cheer up" instead of taking insulin.


  I'm not a doctor or nurse, but I've been in a "situational" depression now since before my son was born. I didn't take anything during my pregnancy or while I was nursing him, of course. I had been at a spa to work out, fell in the shower and ended up doing enough soft tissue and disc damage thatI'm still in pain from them. The worst part was making me miscarry my first pregnancy and being told that I might not ever get pregnant again, much less carry a pregnancy to term. I tried bottling up the pain, but after about 6 months I just couldn't do it any longer. I spent the first 2 visits with the shrink just crying my heart out without worrying that my pain was also hurting someone who loved me. It was a huge relief to get some of that out.


 I'm telling you this so you know that I can understand even a smidgen about losing someone.


  And now comes the weird part--I'd rather be considered a weirdo than not try to give you what comfort I can.When I came on line today I  had planned on going straight to the Front Desk and check up on my friends, but I'd chosen just support groups. I saw a new one in the Coping forum and yours here.There's a psychic streak in my family that goes back a few generations. I'm certainly not as strong as the others I know about--mine is more intuitive than visual and verbal. I was barely 19 when my father died and it terrified me. I still had both sets of grandparents then, so I really hadn't gone through the charade before.


When my paternal Grandpa died, he gave me a parting gift. I was alone upstairs, and I was suddenly wrapped around in love that was absolutely Grandpa. I got the phone call about his death about 10 minutes later confirming he had died 150 miles away when he came to me. He showed me that who we are and who we love doesn't change when we die. the love becomes more powerful if anything, because it isn't shadowed by the pains and stresses we suffer from here. It was a pretty great parting gift for me to find out that love really doesn't die when our physical bodies do..


When my maternal Grandma died, she was over 100 years old. She was still in her house when she turned 100. For some reason, she accepted what I told about antidepressants. She was asking me why she wasn't able to get over the death of a dear friend when she'd managed worse things before. I reminded her that she hadn't been in unending pain back then. My sister's diabetic, so she got the reference to insulisn. She'd been steadily losing weight she didn't have to lose. After she started on them, she started eating and even agreed to go back to playing cards with "the girls" since they were just in their 80's.


 She became terrified during that last week that the reason she'd been alive so long and in such pain was because she hadn't been good enough to get into Heaven and she'd spend Eternity alone. Mother told her that when she died, she'd come and find her and they'd be together--it was such a relief for Grandma. Two nights later, Grandma dreamed that she was at a huge party for her, full of all the people she had loved and lost over the years. After a while, she realized that there was no room this large on Earth, and that the colors were so magnificent that she knew it had to Heaven. Waking back up in her worn out old body wasn't much of a thrill. The nurses there told us later that many patients had similar dreams just a few days before they died and they'd learned it meant that death was near.


  We were lucky, I guess. Grandma was ice cold when she died. She kept trying to get her eyes open but just couldn't. I went over just to hold her hand, and that's when we found out she could squeeze our hands to let us know that she had heard us. It gave us a chance to tell her how much we loved her and that it was okay to let go. She cried when Mother was talking to her. No misty ectoplasm--she just breathed out and didn't breathe back in.


 Your daughter is alive, strong, and unharmed now that she is in Heaven. It's okay to talk to her as if she'd there-she'll hear you. When you think of them with love, they know it. When a special song comes on the radio, or more birds are around--that's probably her way of letting you know that they made it and she loves you.


  As for me--we moved 360 miles away from most of our family when our so was just 15 months old. In an odd way that has helped me by not having to take on the trauma of not seeing them as much right away. Not that it doesn't still hit me hard some days. The modern crap about expecting us all to be fine when we go back to work after 3 days is one of the cruelest ideas ever thought up by a businessman.


 We grieve and heal at our own rates. Don't let anyone rush you through it or tell you when you should be over such a tragic loss. In all honesty, I grieve for Grandma even though I've "heard" from her since she died and other family members have as well.


I'll be checking back to see how you are, okay?

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 12, 2011 - 9:09PM #3
rose21
Posts: 10

Feb 9, 2011 -- 11:57PM, shelliedcck wrote:

     Stephanie was 22 yrs old, beautiful (inside and out) and had everything going for her. Her story is a tragic love story...Jake, the love of her life (since 7th grade) died with her that day. They had something special. She loved every tiny thing about him and he literally doted on her every whim. They were a very peace-loving and responsible young adults preparing to graduate from KU this spring and had plans for their lives together.

     I am having a rough time with this...it's such an ugly and horrible thing to have to experience for anyone. I feel like I have lost my purpose. I am a single mother. I have never felt so very alone, as I now do. The pain of it is unbearable at times and it scares me.


I am so sorry for your loss and know a little about what you are going through. I too loss my child to a car accident when he had just turned 22. I got the call   3:30 in the morning. I was told to get to the hospital. He passed before my husband and I got there. I play back that night again and again  wishing I could of held on to hime and kept him safe I remember the last words my son said to us. "I'm out mom, my friend is here"


Anyway I know the deep hole you are in right now. Nothing makes sense right now and may not for a long while.  The hard part is you never saw this coming, no warning, no preperation. Sudden death is hard on the people that are left behind.


 Do what ever you need to do to get through this unbearable time. Cry when you need to and don't feel like you have to apologize. Everything will be hard for a long time. I couldn't go in the mens department for a long time when i went shopping. I couldn't do anything the way I use to. we had to make new family traditions because it just was not right without my son. So many things will remind you of your daughter. That is O.K. Embrace it. Read books on losing a child and grief it will at least help you define some of what you are feeling.


One thing that did help me a bit was hearing from a medium. She told me that my son had walked into the light and was in a good place. She said he was happy except for the pain that his family was in.That he is still with us and can hear us when we talk to him.  She said things that there was no way she could of known. She said it was his time and nothing could of changed that. Anyway, a mother wants to know that her children are safe and happy. After hearing from this psychic, I felt a little better. On my son's birthday I went back to this person and again she answered some of my questions. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that your daughter was not alone when she passed, .that she was with her boyfriend that she loved. So they are now together and I believe oneday you will join them. I know I was concerned that my son was by himself and didn't know anyone.  he never met my father who had died before he was born. Sometimes I would think that maybe I should join him so he wouldn't be alone but I couldn't do that to my family. I have two daughters who were grieving and hurting so much. I had to be strong for them. At least now I am not afraid of death because I know my son will be there to greet me when it was my time.


 I know the pain , I kept a journal for the first year and now I write when I feel I have to express my pain. After awhile you just don't want to burden your family with the hurt that is so deep and probably won't ever heal completely.


You will start to get use to the fact that your life is different now. You can hate it but try to focus on what you do have. The people you love. It takes time. It has been 4 years now. I still cry , the holidays are difficult but I try to love and appreciate the people in my life everyday. My daughters and sisters and family and friends. I'm not going to lie it still hurts I miss my beautiful generous, handsome son. He was smiles and laughter and loved life. I try to learn from him because he lived his life with enthusiasm., and I know I will see him again.


 

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2011 - 3:23PM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,299

I'm sorry for your loss and pain as well. You reached out to help another mother and shared your pain in a way that I have seen others go through. It's very obvious that both of you were loving, caring  and there for your children.


I'm not trying to be disrespectful to either of you, but i want to share a contact I had from my maternal Grandma. this kkeyboard is basically fried, so it does  what ever it wants to do about spacing and the odd letter here and there, but i was drawn here very strongly today. Most of my contacts with Grandma have been physical-a hand on my shoulder when i was recovering from surgery, for one. I was wide awake due to the fire alarm that went off at 3 AM. I knew that touch--said Grandma? and she squeeed my shoulder and left. A regular person would have been standing with a blood pressure machine right through them.


My sons' future in-laws are wonderful people. If we lived closer, I'm sure that we would be more involved. They were driving a total of 3 hours to loan us a spare vehicle to drive until we found a new one to help out until we found something. We were worried about the house, which had Grandma's kitchen table and chairs in two huge boxes in our living room--and they are still there because the kids took a studio apartment. I was trying, but i ran out of steam and had to lie down . i have her picture on my dresser mirror so i can see her every day. She had been very rigid about keeping house when my sister and i were the first 2 grandchildren--you could only play with one toy at a time and you had to put it back when you were finished. But we adored her and i still do. When I walked into her room at the nursing home, the first thing she said was 'I'm so glad to see you! now i can go because you'll be here to take care of your mother.' Sorry this is so jumbled--i still cry about her because i miss her so very much. She died in 2008.


 So back to the in-law day--when i went to my room, i was going to set the alsrm for an hour's nap and get back to work. I said "I'm going to set the alarm for an hour, then I'll get up and do you proud, Grandma.' I never set the alarm because i was pushed back onto the bed, the bedroom door slammed loudly enough for my husband to want to know why I'd done it. The lights went out, and as I was falling asleep i felt a blanket come up against my back. I had a little over a 2 hour nap and my poor husband had pulled things together for us.


It's impossible to reach the bedroom door from the bed. The overhead light switch is right next to the door.So apparently one of the reasons it's heaven is because we don't have to do housework there. When my son was younger, my friends mocked me on how often i used the carpet steamer on the rugs without having pets like they did. i wish i still could be like that, but I can't.


 I'm sure that when your son and your daughter and her love died they had welcoming parties as well. It's not  just the family--it's also the lives they touched while they were here. i know that I appreciate and wish well anyone who has been kind or a help to my son or his best friend and I don't see that changing when i die. Two men at college changed his destiny to allow him to get paid for something he's good at and always loved. He took a computer class and was doing more than asked on assignments.He introduced him to another professor with more clout, and offered paid tuition and a paid internship if he added Computer Sciences as a second major. And came through big time--he's still working for the company he apprenticed at and will work full time once he graduates. We got one year with a grant that paid tuition and books. I haven't met these people but i pray for them just the same.


 you know how all the commercials for anti-depressants say not to take them if you aren't a teenager or in your early 20's? My son was put on a few of them and they made him suicidal to the point he ended up in the hospital. Where I was told i shouldn't have said the one thing that got through to him....it worked, which was all I cared about. It was terrifying.


I agree with the psychic. Your daughter and Jake come across as warm, happy, and loving. they made a good transistion because they went together. I just was afraid you'd think i was really out of line to say it.


lost a good friend to an embolism--I'd just gotten an e-mail from her that day and had deleted a few because there would be more. With me it was things on the computer, but my sister-in-law got 2 dreams from Sue. She'd been e-mailing us both almost daily, so we did it with each other and grieved together. the last shook her up the most because it was so real she couldhug and be hugged. Same message "I'm just dead--I'm not gone!"  A few years ago i had an anniversary card from her fall out of my cookbooks as I walked by a few days before our anniversary. i don't keep them there, and I'd been thinking about her.


You'll both be in my prayers.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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3 years ago  ::  Mar 02, 2011 - 2:15AM #5
Susanlds
Posts: 1

Dear Friends,


I pray that you are comforted through the lonely days & nights after your losses. My son was murdered on his birthday 1 year ago. The pain and despair you speak of is still my everyday existence. As one of you stated, depression meds do help get through the initial shock and gave me a light to focus on. I still talk to my son daily & miss him like crazy.


To the mothers I say PEACE. You are not crazy for wanting to scream from the mountain top. You are not wrong for not wanting to hear about the loss of someone's 100 year old grandmother. You are not wrong for not being ready for small talk. God understands and your true friends will also.


When I walked around the corner at the scene and saw my beloved son laying on the cold ground just 2 blocks from home, my mind immediately tried to escape me. It was just too much. My own life flashed before my eyes and all I could scream was NO & JESUS! The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear... I AM HERE. I functioned on robomom to complete the services and everyone remarked how strong I was. It was the God in me because the human part of me had checked out. I thought I would literrally die... just poof gone like in the Old Testament. It was months later after the meds kicked in and Christian therapy that I realized the the Holy Spirit had my mind in safe keeping for when I could use it and not harm myself.


I know this may sound strange but it's true. I lost my mom over 30 years ago and my brother 2 years ago. NOTHING compares to losing my 22 year old son to violence. He was about to leave for duty in the army after the holidays but never made it. So much future... gone. I want you mothers to know that you are not alone. Other moms are suffering and praying for relief. God is my only hope. The rest is just life after my son. And for now that's ok. I own't rush into anything I don't feel is real for me. I am able to laugh now but there isn't a moment of any day that he isn't in my thoughts. So, go on and love your children. It's really ok and they still want to be loved. Feel sorry for the loss and for them. There are no rules. Allow God to heal the raw wound so you can function. Pray pray pray & prevail.


God bless us all.


Susan

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3 years ago  ::  Mar 06, 2011 - 4:26AM #6
karbie
Posts: 3,299

I am so sorry that the anniversary of your son's death is also his birthday because of the doubled burden it places on your heart. To have made it through getting all the arrangements for his burial done with your heart ripped out and your soul in torment shows just how very much you loved you child.It's just not the same losing someone who grew under your heart each day.


I'm not sure how your church feels about praying to the Virgin Mary, but she's helped me when my son' survival was on the line.She raised a son and had to watch him die after seeing how horribly he'd been beaten. Yes, we all know that she got hers back and eventually was with him again in Heaven.Just like someday you'll be with your son forever.


Grief takes what it takes. The deeper the pain,the harder. I certainly hope the persons who killed your son are in prison. King Davis wept for his son and screamed at God for the pain he was feeling. Including wishing he'd been the one to die instead.


This is the tenth time I've been brought back to you and I told him this time he's free to tell you he's okay but i'm getting tired of him start all over by the post going somewhere.He knows how much you love and loved him but it was his time to go and he didn't get to choose. He still comes around you and he hears you when you talk to him Your love still has a place to go and he is sorry to have had such a short time with you. And where he's at is cool. Everybody else knows why you grieve him so much all of them are trying to send you their love and support to  try and help hold you up until you join them and your real life begins.


this isn't a scam or a fake and is the first time I ever tried channelling on this fried keyboard.Letting down my own barriers isn't easy but he had a message to get through that he comes around and he loves you. Your grief  and pain are so raw I had to try. may God send you some relief.


 

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 10, 2011 - 5:27PM #7
AllisonBeth
Posts: 1

I lost my youngest daughter, Allison Beth, in a car wreck on 8/15/2002.  Although it has been nine years, the pain is still with me everyday.  One therapist said to me, "You'll learn to walk again but you'll always walk with a limp".  Of course he was speaking figuratively, Allison was alone when she died less than a mile away from home.  What really hurts is that the "man" who hit her had told his buddies at work that he wanted to have a wreck so he could get a new truck.  It really eats at me to think that my daughter was killed so he could get a new truck.  There were no skid marks, his truck didn't leave it's lane, and he changed his story several times.  His family was influential in the community and so the Police did nothing about it.  Although Allison may have strayed into his lane, I am quite sure that he did nothing to prevent the accident.  My only consolation is that she was killed instantly and didn't have to suffer.  I wish I could have said "Goodbye, I love you" but I never got the chance.  I miss her so much that sometimes I scream and cry for her.  The pain will never go away and I lost my job as a teacher because I couldn't cope.  Now I am mentally disabled and I stay at home all day with nothing to do but think and cry.  I have been on anti-depressants for years and I guess they help, I really wouldn't know for sure because I have never stopped taking them.  The only thing that saved me was that I have another daughter, Melissa Brooke.  She made me have the strenghth to carry on.  She is married now and has given me two beautiful Grandchildren.  Sometimes we both will slip up and call her daughter, Marlee, Allison by mistake.  Marlee knows all about her Aunt Allison and how she was killed and speaks of her often.  Sometimes she asks questions that are hard to answer but I try to be as truthful as I can with a five year old.  We keep pictures of Allison all over my house and hers as a promise that she will never be forgotten.  She only had 18 years on this Earth but she was a joy to all who knew her.  When my Mother died 3 years ago, the pain was not nearly as deep and crushing as it was when I lost Allison.  As someone else mentioned, it's hard to feel the same way when someone who is 90 and has lead a full life dies.  I often wonder what Allison would be doing today, would she have children, would she be a model (she had entered a beauty pageant and had been accepted before she died), what would she have chosen as a career?  Those questions will never be answered but still haunt me.  To anyone who has lost a child I say, "You have the right to grieve in whatever way helps you.  Just be sure not to forget the ones who are still living in your life and give your heart fully to them."  Peace is hard to find but try to remember that your child is at peace and would want the same for you.

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