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Switch to Forum Live View My soulmate passed on..
4 years ago  ::  Dec 25, 2010 - 12:12AM #1
Lonemare
Posts: 3

My soulmate passed on Dec22, and I dont know how im going to get thru this. Im trying to be strong, but it hurts so bad. I feel so lost and alone without him here. He was such an awesome man, so funny and no matter what, he could make me smile. Now, how do I smile? How do I laugh? How am I even going to live without him. I feel so empty and scared. Christmas seems to have been buried along with him. Tell how im going to get thru this?

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 25, 2010 - 6:10PM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,329

You are in the same place right now as my uncle. His soulmate died suddenly on 12/20 and she was the glue that held that branch of the family together. She went from fine and happy to intractable headache to major stroke in about 2 hours. They are counting time of death from the end of brain waves because she was an organ donor.


You get through this in chunks of time that gradually get longer. It doesn't help that the whole world is supposed to be on a major high of happiness and togetherness when the source of your own has been taken away. I wasn't telling you about my aunt to bum you out further but more to show that you weren't the only one who had something this horrible happen during the holiday season.


Now I'm going to say some things that may sound like I'm a whack job. I'd rather that than not ease yhour pain when I think I can. there's a psychic streak in my family, although I'm not the best by any rate. When my father died I was too overwhelmed to really cope. I was terrified of death. When my Grandpa--his father died, he gave me a final gift. I had been home alone in the upstairs hall when I was suddenly wrapped around in love that was just Grandpa. I got the call telling me of his death 150 miles away within 10 minutes. He showed me that who we are and who we love goes on. I haven't been afraid of death since then.


that doesn't mean I don't miss him or anyone else who isn't where I can see them and touch them. I know that they know when we think of them with love. Or as one of our mutual friends told my sister-in-law twice, "I'm just dead. I'm not gone." I had an anniversary card from her fall out of my cooking book shelves just a few days before our anniversary. I don't keep things like that there. but I had been really missing her.


I was lucky enough to have one of my Grandma's with me until she was over 100. On one really bad day, she said that she was afraid the reason she'd been alive for so long was because she couldn't make it into Heaven. A few days later she dreamed that she was at a huge party with everyone she had loved who'd gone before her. After awhile, she realized that there wasn't a party room this size on Earth and that the colors were so magnificent and vivid that she could only be in Heaven. Waking back up in her worn out body didn't thrill her, but her fear was gone. My mother, sister and I were with her when she died. Our gift from God was discovering that she could hear us and squeeze our hands to let us know she heard us. We got to tell her how much she meant to us...and we all told her it was  okay to let go. I'm not going to say it was easy, but it was right.


Mine is more intuitive than in words--why else would I have checked on the grief support group on Christmas Day? All I knew was that I had to check all the support groups today. I wanted you to know that someone had heard you and you weren't alone. I think that the soul is the part that animates us--sometimes referred to as the "Divine Spark" long before we used electricity in our lives or to restart hearts.


I have to go now, but I'll be watching for you. You aren't completely alone now.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 26, 2010 - 1:28PM #3
Lonemare
Posts: 3

wow, thank you so much, that was what I needed to hear.  I want to think of him in a warm safe place with his dad and grandma. I do worry of his spirit, he was a heavy drinker and Ive heard that when people have an addiction and they pass on, the spirit must heal before they can continue any further. Have you ever heard that? Im wanting a sign from him that everythings ok, but so far, nothing. My dreams are dark and I sleep just a few hours, wake up and then sleep again. I feel like I cant get enough of it, I guess thats from stress.


Thank you for taking time to reply to me, please keep in touch, and I hope you had a good christmas.

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 27, 2010 - 12:28AM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,329

He's with his family and friends and people whose lives he didn't even realize he'd touched. that 'healing from addictions" is a bunch of crap. One friend's mother had returned to the Roman Catholic church, but hadn't raised her youngest child in that faith. When the mother was in the hospital, a priest came and told her that if her youngest daughter didn't convert that the woman wouldn't be allowed into Heaven. She wouldn't make a promise in case she couldn't keep it, but it tormented her after her mother died. She'd really tried, but it just wasn't the right fit for her.


I told her that her mother was fine and she'd done all that she had promised to do. neither of them should have ever been subjected to extra agony at a time like that. Neither should you.


It may be soon to be looking for signs, but then they can vary. I told you about my sister-in-laws dreams--frankly, I would have loved one like that, where she could actually hug her, feel her hug back. The difference is that I didn't need one, and my sister in law did. I'm the one she told about them because she wanted to know what they meant. I told her they meant exactly what she'd been told. What I got was through the computer. We e-mailed almost daily, and I couldn't handle seeing her e-mail address on frequent contacts. So I had changed that. I sent an e-mail to her husband besides the card to offer sympathy for the horrible week he'd been through. I got the "blue screen of death" flash--and then that my message had been sent to her. Not by email address, but by full name. I hadn't known what her middle name was until I got one of the visitation cards and a copy of the obituary from my mother. Yet that's really who I'd been sending it for because he'd been a real jerk the last few years of their marriage. I just knew that she would have expected me to do that for her.


The phone may ring with no one there and no name or address given. Small coins moved. A song on the radio you'd both liked or that you had needed to hear. I've only had physical contact with one person--my Grandma. What she did to my son was priceless, though. He's been married a year now, but this was about 2 months before his wedding. He'd cooked dinner for us, promising that he'd wash all the dishes too. I stayed downstairs to see if it would happen because there were a lot of them. He ended up saying he needed to study, leaving me with the dishes. I'm handicapped and being on my feet for long periods isn't easy.He came down to get a drink hours later when I was on the 3rd and final sink of dishes, glanced over, and left to go back upstairs. He came back in with a very strange look on his face and offered to finish the dishes.


The next morning he asked me about someone  being able to put a thought into our heads from the Other Side. He told me he'd almost made it to the stairs when a thought came into his head "Did you see all the things you left in the sink for your Mother to do?"..and asked me if that had been Grandma. Did that sound like something she would have said?  Yes, that was absolutely Grandma. I cracked up and called Mother and she agreed that it certainly sounded exactly like her. It was nice to know she was still looking out for me!


He's fine. He's safe, and when you aren't so raw inside and out it will be easier to see a sign rather than trying to look when you are exhausted from lack of sleep, swollen eyes, and just all the turmoil that goes with losing someone you love. While a lot of grieving customs have been a bit much over the years, I think the bit about the world expecting us to be over things in the 3 business days we are allowed off for a death in the family will be looked at as one of the more insane ones. Even if it is just a black armband like Victorian men wore the first year of mourning, it at least let the rest of the world know to cut the person some slack.


I should warn you--I write monster posts. I hope you get some rest.


 

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 29, 2010 - 3:48PM #5
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,717

Karbie:
Saw your name atop this thread, and thought I'd catch up with you.
I'm sorry for your grief, I know where you're coming from.
I wish I could tell you that it "Gets better"~ it only dissapates with the passage of time.


You don't feel it as much,but it's still there like an old injury,that one feels each time a
storm or if you do too much. It's under the surface,like a splinter that's annoying you.
The twinge of pain that you feel is God's way of not letting you forget the person who passed.
It's to help you to remember that person in a good way,and smile while doing so.


I know what you're going thru, as it was 36 years,this past September 29th that I lost my
mom to a inopberable brain tumor, and it would have been my son Jason Alan Baylen's 38th
Birthday had I not aborted him back in March of 1973.


I carried around the secret of my aborting him from his dad, till August 27th when I called him
to wish him Happy 57th Birthday, and I blurted the truth out.


For 38 years I never said anything,but held the secret inside of me always getting sick at two
times of the year, first around March 27th and then in the fall from August 15 to October 14
I had always thought that the second depression was cause of my mom's passing, till I realized that it was the time of year that I would have given birth.

I cried my eyes out after I told my son's dad, and really didn't stop till September 30th.

I want to wish you  Happy New Year,and hope you are well.
Wishing you good thoughts in 2011.

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 31, 2010 - 1:24AM #6
karbie
Posts: 3,329

As I remember it, you weren't given any choice about getting to give birth to your child, even for adoption. The fact that your parents only had you because you'd been given up for adoption makes them forcing an abortion on you was like a double whammy to me. It was like a rejection of your own adoption to make you have an abortion against your will.


This is something I've considered since learning about it from you--and you know what? The real reason was because they were supposed to be such "perfect" parents that they couldn't face having anyone know they were as fallible as anyone else.....and their pride was more important to them then the pain they were inflicting on you for the rest of your life.


I'll tell you both about the most physical experience I've had with Grandma since she died. We were trying to pick things up because my daughter's parents were loaning us a third vehicle they had until we found a car. Since Grandma's kitchen table and chairs are still in the shipping boxes in our living room, that's easier said than done. I reached a point where I had to take a nap or fall down. I have her picture on the dresser mirror and I told her that I was just going to set the clock for an hour then I would get up and do her proud. When my sister and I were younger, she was very rigid and we were allowed to play with one toy at a time in the little pantry off the kitchen.


At almost the same time, I got pushed on my bed, the bedroom door slammed shut and the light went out. In fact, my husband asked why i slammed the door, and it can't be reached from the bed. I slept for 2 hours since I hadn't set the clock yet. apparently housework is not a priority in Heaven. Grandma had told Mother that she wished she had sometimes let the house go to do something with her children like Mother had with us.


When Grandma did that, I did feel protected. Like I've said, what I get is more intuitive---but I know when it's her; I was over 50 when she died. I think of what I'd like to accomplish that no longer happens because of my physical state. At least here I can try to reach out and help someone else if I can. If all we get out of crossing over is to be able to move without pain, that's more than enough for me as long as I'm with my friends and family   I miss again. I just have the advantage of knowing that is waiting for all of us.


 


 

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 31, 2010 - 10:44AM #7
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,717

 


Karbarbie:
All of the people who've we lost are now waiting for us up in Heaven,they have become
our Guardian Angel,watching out for us till it is our time to meet them in Heaven.
They help us to make decisons,they watch out for us,and they help us in our times of need,
by sending us their love to help comfort us.

I lost my beloved 21 year old Angora Persian Cat in 2004, to colon cancer.
Yet sometime I'll still see her, or think I see her as someoen near me has a cat who
looks just like she did,right down to the same eye colour.
I've even called her by my cat's name Krystal,and she's meowed and looked at me.


You said in your first paragraph that my parents rejection was like a "Double whammy",
well here's something you don't know about my father, this wasn't the first time he rejected
me, he rejected me the first time after he found out I had Epilepsy at the age of 6.
I can still hear the words he said 47 years ago to my mom:
"I don't want to have anything to do with the child,I'll pay for any bills,I'll take you anywhere
you need to go,to any doctor appointments,any testing that has to be done,I'll buy any medication that the child needs, But I don't want to have any contact with her"

Now do you see why I'm so angry about what he did to me?
He rejected me becasuse I wasn't a boy,I wasn't normal,wasn't his,because I was ill,and because I wasn't "The Perfect child he always wanted".

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 31, 2010 - 10:16PM #8
karbie
Posts: 3,329

My other Grandma told me when I was around 2-3 "You think that I love you. Everyone thinks I love you, but I don't. I only love your sister." In fact, that was the reason I became "Grandpa's pet"--he told her that then he was going to look out for me, since she apparently told him when I was born that she was going to make sure that my sister wasn't pushed aside for me. I don't know why she couldn't love us both and I am pretty sure that's what happened to my father when his baby brother was born.


She was subtle--she'd call Auntie and they'd repeat stories about how smart, talented, etc my older sister was. Then my sister learned to read when she was 3--she told me it was earlier than that. she played piano by ear. And she skipped 1st grade because she was bored. I never knew it had been offered for me as well.So I was the 'also ran" clear through HS. And when I got something she hadn't-got into Choir my sophmore year and was in Girl's Octet as well for my junior and senior year, I heard Mother telling her that the only reason that I had gotten it was because it should have been given to her and I was just the right size.


My father told me things like "I wish that you had been the one to die and not your baby brother". I knew that my sister had been planned. there had been an article in one of the papers comparing the well-to-do bride and the thrifty bride--Mother. A few years later they did a follow-up and praised my parents for being careful in planning their first child. I'm 23 months younger than my sister, so I had thought I'd been planned. He told me that I was an accident, a diaphram baby and a waste of all those cold showers he'd taken. I think I was 15 sround then, and it shattered what I thought my place in our family was.


Grandma wasn't finished rejecting me. She called and screamed at me for moving so much farther away from her if she needed me. I told her that someone could get to her in half the time or less than anyone could get to me. She told me to never call her and hung up on me. I had just sent her a bunch of pictures of my son and she decided to keep in contact after all. When I had my gall bladder out, she wanted me to call her from the hospital after the operation to let her know that I was okay. When I got her, she was very calm and remote. "I'm glad that you came through your surgery all right. Now i don't want to see or hear from you for the rest of my life." I never dared open up to her after that and was still closed off when she died. i didn't dare open up because I knew I couldn't handle another rejection from her.


Several years ago I got a note from the Grandma who is still around for me, telling me that "You were always the little inquisitive one, so dear to my heart." And I realized that I had one Grandma  who had always loved me my whole life and it is still a balm and a blessing for me today. I made sure that Grandma knew that I treasured her and felt that every day she was here was a gift from God.She had told me the fact that i meant every word made her happy.


As for your adoptive father....God knew better than to extend his genes another generation. I'd hate to think what tantrums he'd throw if a genetic offspring had the temerity to have anything wrong with them. As I understand it, he was buying himself at least one more trip to Earth to learn the lessons he flunked big time before. We're here to learn to deal with the negativity and pain that doesn't exist on the Other Side.


I wouldn't have been surprised if some of the cats you saw actually had been yours visiting. On the brief time that the Pet Psychic had a show, one woman wanted to hear from her cat. She found out that this cat loved her so much she'd been her pet twice and was considering doing it one more time. It isn't "humans only"--in fact the pets usually get to welcome us before the people can get there. There's not a doubt in my mind that animals have souls and give a taste of what unconditional love is. Except perhaps when a guy I dated off and on in Illinois came over to see me  at my grandparents' house during Christmas break wearing brand new rawhide boots and couldn't get over just how friendly their dog was...


Without being in a hurry, I still know that every day brings me closer to being reunited with the sould I've loved, human and animal both. I may meet people I meant more to than I realize. My other mother there, Doll was watching me pace as I waited for my date to pick me up for my very first date..and she was laughing her head off about how nervous I was. Then there are the kids I had in Children's Chapel with me, and now my aunt.


I know that all of the people it hurt so much to lose are better off where they are. I know that they are fine, bsck with loved ones and no longer ill or in pain. We grieve our loss. We miss their company...but I know without doubt that we will be with them again some day and then it will be forever. My one wish is this--if we did truly pick how much pain, illness, problems or poverty we would go through this time, I would like to have a chance to kick the planning committee including myself. I know that the more things we go through here, the more our souls progress.Some day this will all make sense to us but today isn't the day.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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4 years ago  ::  Jan 01, 2011 - 4:53PM #9
Lonemare
Posts: 3

Thank you so much, Its been tough. I havnt even really wanted to do anything. I keep expecting him to walk thru the door and say Hi darlin, in that country twang of his. Its been 11 days now since he passed. I dont cry as much as I have been, i just feel numb and scattered, like a puzzle in the wind. Your posts have been so helpful though. Thank you so very much. I wanted to type something sooner, but just couldnt manage.  A few days ago, I was almost awake, like not there but almost, and he came to me and kissed me on the cheek, then just faded away. I opened my eyes and  wanted him to stay so bad, and I keep hoping he might come back and do it again soon.


 People at work say.. you seem to be handling it well. What choice do I have? I have to handle it,I dont feel like im handling it all that well, but maybe I am? Ive never gone thru anything like this. Never held anybodys hand and watched them die. The heartache was almost more than I could stand. My soulmate,my love.  This is just so hard to deal with. We were going to get married this month. I know time heals, but I feel like its going to be a very long healing process.


Thank you  so much <3

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4 years ago  ::  Jan 02, 2011 - 12:25AM #10
karbie
Posts: 3,329

The one thing that helped us all was being able to tell Grandma how much we loved her and how much she'd meant to us all of our lives. If I hadn't reached out to hold her hand  and have her squeeze mine in return we wouldn't have gotten that. I feel that wherever the idea came from it was truly a gift.When we were growing up, we'd go shopping and out to eat "Just us girls". So the fact that we had a final "Just us girls"was really important.Since she'd just been put in Hospice,they didn't rush her body out. Her roommate was a retired nurse and was find about the whole thing. Grandma was in so much pain, but refused morphine because it made her too woozy. She was the one who suggested giving her morphine in one of the many names it came in. She was dying of congestive heart failure and it was her choice. She had entered that room as a size 8 and left it a size 18. Although she had been really thrilled with part of it "Look! I've got boobies again!" the funeral home was very happy that the outfit we sent was both two-piece and fit her perfectly. They had some trees planted in her memory in a National forest. I wrote the thank you for that the day I was flying home. That was something I could take off Mother's back.


Did he come and kiss you?Yes. I heard my father's voice a few times after he died. Don't get me wrong--I know that he did love me for the most part, but the times I mentioned along with other incidents through the years where I was expected to just understand why I couldn't get a driver's license, etc were difficult to swallow.But since he had his 2nd heart attack when I was in HS, I didn't argue. My sister and my father both would have huge temper flares, say rotten things, and then they were over it. Mother and I weren't. My sister told me that something I said to her back then made a difference in how she raised her children. She had just told me "Sorry" after a nasty round and I told that sorry just didn't cut it because she couldn't get those words out of my head with it.


Can he come and visit you in dreams? Yes, that can happen as well. I can't say anything about how often it will happen but I can tell you it means he made a smooth transition. I think the fact that you were there and holding his hand made that possible no matter how much it cost you emotionally. So I'm very proud to know someone with a heart brave and strong enough to help him when your own world was falling apart. Personally, with the kind of love you shared the ceremony was just the public display because you'd exchanged hearts earlier. A century ago there were "common-law" marriages. A friend is in that position. She and her boyfriend have been together for over 10 years, and they came to each other as virgins. But she need injections every month that cost $1,000 to stay healthy. Neither of them have insurance to cover it, but she can still be covered by her parents insurance as long as they don't marry. I consider them married except for the insurance company.


For 11 days, you are doing a remarkable job. Of course you aren't up to writing every day--but I'll check back and if you aren't up to posting for days or weeks--it's okay. You'll be in my prayers just the same.


 


 


 

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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