I know that the moment your daughter was born , she was instantly your Princess and you promised yourself and her that you would protect her. The only thing you couldn't do was keep her here when her time here was up. You were spared at least needing to turn things off. Her death is a shock to her friends as well and many of them are probably taking a hard look at their lives  and all the things they planned to get resolved later instead of now. The one blessing of the internet is that there are usually people around somewhere.

Remember that when you pray to God, you are also allowed to express how you feel. If King David could write psalms asking God why he was so far off, wasn't around when he needed God the most, and wept bitter tears over the loss of Absolem even though his son tried to seize the throne, you can tell God how much pain you and your wife are in and ask for strength. I know that my Grandpa spent a lot of time in his workshop after Daddy died so he could let go and cry. Of all the people I've lost, Grandpa was the one who helped me get over my fear of death right after he died. I was upstairs and was suddenly wrapped around in wave of love that was the way Grandpa felt to me. I got the call telling me he had died 150 miles away about 10 minutes later. Who we are, our personalities, and the love we feel for people--that doesn't stop when our bodies do.

Let your friends be there for you. I'm sure you've heard them say "Call us if we can do anything"; they'll be afraid that they'll catch you at a bad moment, or aren't sure what to say and feel awkward about it. Then they feel guilty for not doing something, feel more awkward as time goes by, and it gets strained for all of them. If all you do is meet for a cup of coffee, it allows them to be there for you and even share stories about your daughter. After all, I'm sure that many of them loved her as well.

All I can say is that the pain will go from being white-hot, down to searing, and not every-single-minute. Just dealing with the physical loss is bad enough. Or as a friend told my sister-in-law--"I'm just dead. I'm not gone.' Your daughter is in the one place she can never be hurt again. Every day of your life brings you closer to the time you and your wife will be with her forever.Thank God that you have each other to hold on to. If you need antidepressants, or to see a grief counselor, do it.

I saw a psychiatrist for several months trying to cope with being in physical pain from injuries not going away, and the fact the injuries that hurt physically had also made me miscarry my first pregnancy after being married for years. The first visit I basically just cried because I could finally cry without holding back. I knew how much it upset my husband and my Mother when I cried about it, so I tried to keep it in.  When I said something on the 3rd visit about what a relief it was to not worry about anyone being upset about it, he told me it did bother him.

Anti-depressants at a time like this actually mean that you are strong enough to function  a little. Stress--from physical and emotional pain and chronic pain--can actually alter the chemistry of your brain. I've seen the CAT scans of a normal person and a depressed person and was shocked to see how dramatic the difference is. Depression causes a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be helped--no one expects a diabetic to give up insulin.

My Grandma lived to be over 100. When I saw her at 99, she was very depressed and was losing weight she didn't have to spare. I'm not a doctor. I wasn't the first person to mention anti-depressants to her. Sshe had just lost a dear friend to a struggle with cancer.When Grandma said she couldn't understand how she could cope with things before and didn't know why she had so much trouble , I told her that she hadn't been in constant pain before. I had several family members tell me she wouldn't have made it to 100 without them. I was with her when she died. And I still cry because I still miss her.

the thing is we expect to lose our older relatives, but not our children. I got a gift from God and we had a son several years after I was told I might never be able to carry a child  to term. (Another reason I was so depressed.)

Later on look for calls where no one is there, small items have been moved, or even hearing a song that she liked or that reminds you of times with her. I originally hadn't planned to go on line tonight. I knew I had a letter to a friend to finish on another server.Normally, I would have checked in on my group at Depression support, but decided to check all the support groups and saw a grief post. Put all of that together, and it feels to me that your daughter wanted to have someone hear you and help out.

You can send the love you've always had for her to her still. She'll know.

Don't worry about long posts--mine are usually mammoth. I lost my father 2 weeks past his 47th birthday. He had a picture taken of him 4 days before that looked like he was the picture of health. I was 19 and this was my first real loss. The guilt I felt over it was bad enough at the time and worse a year later. My first marriage was on January 5th. Daddy was so sick he couldn't even go to the rehearsal. He had a major heart attack-his 3rd--on January 7th. My sister and I were both told not to come home because the stress from seeing us would kill him. After that heart attack, every moment was on borrowed time.

Our doctor and dentist co-owned the building. While I was getting stitches out at the dentist. the doctor told Daddy that he was about to have a heart attack and needed to go home and call Mother to take him to the hospital. He came out, looked me in the eye and said "The doctor said my heart was down and I was improving."

We had planned on getting married on New Year's Eve and Daddy had begged us to wait because he had to be able to claim me on taxes that year. The pnuemonia that started the process was from me...I got it and gave it to Mother. We both had double pneumonia and Daddy didn't cook. We ended up at my maternal grandparents so Grandma  could take care of us.

My consolation was that my sister had come from Hawaii for the wedding and we got a final Christmas together as a family. Now as guilty as I felt over him killing himself to walk me down the aisle, when that marriage blew up in a little over a year that guilt became "He killed himself--and for what?" I hadn't learned yet that the friend who was staying with us happened to be his mistress by then.

Here's what I've learned; that guilt is corrosive and will eat you up inside. Watching my grandparents bury their last child...I wasn't trying to edge my sister out, but they looked ready to fall down and I went to hold them up. I learned later that Grandma hadn't gotten any sleep or comfort the night before because my aunt was having hysterics all night and Grandma had to comfort her. (Auntie told Mother at the grave that she could always get another husband, but she'd never get another nephew.) I also learned that my wedding was only part of why Daddy had lied about it; he'd used up all of his sick time, vacation days, personal days, and annual leave. If he could just make it to January 1st he had a whole  year's leave to draw on. Then it was just 4 days...

The doctor asked Mother why she hadn't called them or taken him to the hospital that day. But that works both ways--why hadn't they called Mother? The doctor really grieved for my father.When Mother finally got a chec from the insurance company and asked how much she owed them on Daddy....and all they told her was that it was taken care of. Wouldn't take so much as a dime. they donated memorial trees in Israel for him.

What happened to your mother isn't your fault. If anything, you were the only person trying to get your mother help. With a brain tumor so large it would have been difficult to remove and your mother would have to undergo surgery, chemo therapy, and probably radiation treatments as well. My husband' Mom had to undergo radiation treatments for breast cancer.And the people who were on both were dropping weight  practically every visit.

Your mother might have been having mini strokes as the tumor grew. You couldn't have done any more than you did. You did more than everyone else. Remember that. But remember that it might have just made your mother go through extra pain and that the areas she had lost--short term and long term memories-probably were gone forever because the tumor would have destroyed them. Be proud that you were a loving,caring daughter for her. You battled her, and stood up for her. I don't think she would have been happier with that much brain loss, do you? Sometimes letting go is the hardest part of love.

Love survives death. Once your Mom was removed from her body she was able to see just how hard you tried. I was afraid of death when my father died. But when his father died he gave me a final gift. I was home alone and was suddenly wrapped completely around by love. It was like getting a head to toe  hug from Grandpa. I got the call about him dying 150 miles away about 10 minutes later. I haven't been afraid since because he showed me that who we are and who we love survives.

I can't write more at the moment because I'm almost asleep but saw your post and wanted you to know that you had made contact with someone. You'll be in my prayers.