You've been hit with so much loss, so much tragedy that feeling disconnected from other people actually makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure which way is worse--having someone you love die suddenly without any warning, or watching someone you love suffer from pain that you can't relieve while they die slowly and have indignities like needing to wear diapers because they don't have the strength to go to the bathroom any more.

My father-in-law ignored the fact he'd been passing a lot of blood for at least a year before he'd go to the doctor. So the prostate cancer ended up going all through him and for the last few months he was on nothing by mouth. We couldn't even put flavoring on his ice chips. He'd beg visitors to tell him what they'd had to eat that day. The last time we talked to him he called to wish my husband happy birthday on his way to have shunts put in that were never used.

I'm 55. I lost my father when he was 47. There was a picture taken of him on Easter Sunday that looked like he was the picture of health. He was dead 4 days later. 2 weeks past his 47th birthday of his 4th heart attack. He'd called me to tell me that I was going to be an aunt and that was the last time I talked to him.

At least with my friend my sister-in-law and I grieved together on-line. I'd gotten an e-mail from her that day and cleared out some old e-mails because there would be more. She stood up from the dinner table and was dead when she hit the floor. We didn't know that she had been e-mailing each of us almost daily. We did a lot of daily e-mails ourselves. We live 360 miles from our home town. Sue was the person who always wrote me back--actually she was the only one who wrote me back and it meant a great deal to me.

We actually introduced her to her husband. And here's a reason that guys who said they would call you didn't do it. When I think of those teen years when we'd disect a date to try to figure out what we'd done wrong! We went to dinner and to a comedy club. Afterwards we went back to her apartment for coffee and in my case hot chocolate. He told her he would call her. All the way back to his place he went on and on about how smart, pretty, and wonderful she was. that it seemed incredible no one had snatched someone as wonderful as she was up before then. And just before he got out of the car, I learned why guys didn't call."She'd never go out with someone like me. I won't call her."

I was ticked off because he had promised her he would call. I called her the next morning to see if she'd had a good time and would be willing to go out with him again. He was at work--and we dropped by. He'd apparently been telling his little sister about how wonderful she was. I told him that she had enjoyed the evening, liked him, and would go out with him if he called her....and if he didn't call her I'd kill him. (Okay, it's an exageration, but I would never have fixed up a friend of mine with a friend of my husband if I'd  dreamed that was how their minds worked.)

They were married for almost 20 years. About a year before she died he told her he wanted a divorce after several years of not treating her well. Gee, she'd gained weight...all the way up to a size 8. When he told her he didn't find her desirable because of it, she asked him if he'd looked in a mirror lately. All of those digs, and that was the first time she'd ever said anything negative to him. He travelled a lot, and when he came back a few days later and said he'd changed his mind about the divorce he found out that  it not only wasn't that simple but that he had some conditions to meet. She was a lawyer, for pity's sake. So they had a year of trips through the South staying at bed and breakfasts.

He was starting to throw her things out before she'd been dead a week. He did let her friends have things rather than just tossing them in the dumpster like he said he would. She died in August. They had been building a vacation home in Vancouver and she had handled all the details down to the pots and pans for the kitchen and the landscaping. All that work, and she didn't get to see everything she'd worked so hard on to make a lovely home. They had married on her birthday...and when it came around I couldn't help but think he'd gotten exactly what he'd wanted the year before; she was out of his life and he got to keep everything.

After being friends since they were 13, we had to hear from the grapevine he'd remarried. I did send him a congratulation e-mail. My husband was hurt that apparently we'd been lumped with "her" friends. We haven't heard from him except for answering my e-mail.

I can understand how difficult it would be to relate to other people who haven't been hurt so badly by life. It's like the kids walking down the middle of a street--they have no concept of just how much danger and pain they are risking doing it.

As for the death of your friend's child, many years ago someone asked the Dalai Lama why some children had such short lives, dying as infants or early in childhood. His response was that some sould had their life-spans cut short and still needed to live out that time to be able to go on to their next life. It helped Mother after my brother died --he only lived 5 days.

I'm by no means trying to play a "Compare the tragedies " bit with you. I'm trying to say that I can understand why you feel different from other people who haven't experienced as much pain and heart-ache as you have.

There's certainly nothing wrong in cuddling your children as often as you can; I can't think of anything better for all of you to do than hold on to each other. My son is 23 and still hugs us  when he sees us. It still feels good, too. My daughter-in-law has told me several times how glad she is that we made him a cuddler. Good for the soul and a good way to get endoorphins in your blood stream.

I wish that there was something I could say to you that would diminsh the stress and pain you are dealing with. I've read that we choose what our life's themes will be before we  are born. Choosing a harder path with tragedies and physical/emotional problems is supposed to be a fast track to not needing to come back again. It certainly includes early death and being the one left behind to deal with it. by that token, this is the last time around for me. We come here to learn about negativity and how to deal with it because there isn't any in Heaven. 

I absolutely know that love survives death. When my father died it was terrifying because I hadn't really experienced losing anyone. I was blessed to still have 2 sets of grandparents. I stopped being afraid years ago. When my paternal Grandpa died, I found out before I got the call. I was in our upstairs hall when I was suddenly wrapped around in a wave off love that was unmistakenly Grandpa. I got the call telling me he'd died 150 miles away. He gave me a final gift by letting me know that our personality and our love for others survives even when our bodies die. The electrical force that animates our body isn't destroyed--it goes on free from all the pain we endured here.

I lost my last Grandma 2 years ago when she was over 100. A few days before she died she was afraid the reason that she'd lived so long was because she wasn't good enough to go to Heaven. Trust me, if she couldn't get in, no one else has much of a chance. Two days later she dreamed that she was at a huge party with all of the friends and family she'd missed for so long. After awhile, she realized the room was too large and the colors were too magnificent for the room to be anywhere except Heaven. Waking back up in her worn-out body didn't thrill her. My Mother , sister and I were all with her  when she died two days later. she kept trying to surface but couldn't and her body was ice cold. One of the nurses she loved had come in early to say goodbye and warned us that she was dying and it would go quickly from that point on. I'm still grateful she let us know that. I had gone to sit by Grandma and hold her hand. She was able to squeeze my hand in response and we all got a final chance to tell her how much we loved her and how much she had meant to us our whole lives. We told her it was okay to let go. I was the one who realized she'd stopped breathing and it was the hardest comment I've ever made in my life.

Her dream of Heaven made me realize how fragile the strings were that were still tying her to us were compared to all of the people who were waiting for her in Heaven. the nurse told us that it wasn't unusual for people to have a dream about Heaven in the last week or so of life. they considered it a sign that the patient would die soon.

Whenever you think of someone who had died with love, they know it.   

It's okay to be upset and even angry over the amount of loss and pain you've had to deal with. Those are honest emotions and you are in good company. Not having the people we love where we can reach them hurts. It can also lead to clinical depression from all the stress you have gone through. If you know all this, forgive me.

When we are under a great deal of stress, it can alter our brain chemistry. I'm considered "situationly depressed" because of my physical problems. I've been in chronic daily pain now for 25 years. Many people had talked to Grandma about going on anti-depressants,but she did it for me. She was upset because she just couldn't cope with a friend's death like she'd dealt with other losses. I pointed out that she hadn't been under the additional stress that being in pain caused. I've seen CAT scans of normal brains and depressed brains and the difference was stunning. so taking an anti-depressant  has much the same result as giving a diabetic insulin.

I'll keep checking in here to see how you are. You might consider checking out the depression forum. There are a lot of caring supportive people there and you wouldn't be the first one who started out there sharing the loss of someone special. The Front Desk thread is a good way to check out who people there are.

I'm sorry you have suffered so many tragedies.