My father-in-law spent the last month or so no allowed to eat anything; he had prostate cancer that went wildfire throughout his system and it was so hard to have him ask what a visitor had to eat last. My brother-in-law so far has beaten colon cancer, but will always wear a bag. the cancer was only one cell deep, but after they went in from both the front and the back, there wasn't enough of his colon left to reestablish a connection.We're all just grateful to have him around.
When you think about how much you love someone who has died, they know it.
I was just 19 when my father died of his 4th heart attack at 47. I remember touching him and wishing I could have him back with my whole soul, until a thought came--"And if you had that power, but could only bring him back as he was, without fixing anything--could you use it? The answer to that was no, but it didn't mean I liked that calm question just then.
When his father died, he gave me a final gift--I was suddenly wrapped around with love that was absolutely Grandpa. He let me know that who we are and who we love doesn't stop at death for the departed or for us. I got the call about 10 minutes later telling me that Grandpa had died 150 miles away. I haven't been afraid of death since then. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or I don't miss people desperately at times.
When a dear friend died suddenly several years ago, my sister-in-law and I discovered she'd been e-mailing us both almost daily--I'd gotten one from her that day and had deleted some because there would be more. We e-mailed each other to help deal with things. She had 2 dreams about Sue, and the last one she told me about said that she could hold her, hug her--and both times she was told--"I'm just dead. I'm not gone." After I'd removed her name from coming up under contacts because it hurt too much to see it, I did send her husband an e-mail after her funeral telling him we knew what a horrible week he'd had. After a moment of blank blue screen, it told me that my message had been sent to her with her full name. I hadn't known what her middle name was until the obit came, so it wasn't in my computer.
I also had an anniversary card from her fall out of my cookbooks just in time for our anniversary 2 years ago--and I don't keep cards there.
I lost my beloved Grandma to congestive heart failure 2 years ago. I did get to go back to see her and spend time with her before she died. She was over 100 and her body was just worn out although her mind wasn't. One day she was in so much pain that she thought the reason she had lived so long was because she wasn't good enough to get into Heaven. Mother finally calmed her by telling her that if Grandma wasn't there, she'd find her and they'd spend Eternity together. A few nights after that she dreamed that she was at a huge party with all the people she had loved who had gone on before her.She started looking around at just how huge the room was and how magnificent the colors were and realized that she must be in Heaven. Waking up back in her worn out body the next day wasn't much of a thrill. The dream had meaning for me--it made me realize how few the threads were holding her here compared to all the people waiting for her she'd missed for so long.That last day she was ice cold and kept trying to keep her eyes open and couldn't. I went over to hold her hand and she was able to squeeze it. So Mother, my sister and I all had one final chance to tell her how much we loved her and how much she meant to us. We told her it was okay to let go. She was gone in the next hour.
I've felt her; my niece has seen her, and my son got told to go help me. He had made dinner, promising he'd clean up after it. I kept waiting--then he went to bed. I was on the 3rd and last sink of dishes when he came in to get a drink. I'm disabled and had been using the sink just to keep standing. He suddenly came back and offered to finish the dishes, even though he had an odd expression. The next day he told me he was just about to the stairs when he got this thought "Did you see all the things you left in the sink for your Mother?"...That was pure Grandma! When he asked me if that was her, I told him it certainly was! (the next stage of guilt would have been "Did you see all the things you left in the sink for your poor Mother to do?") But it was nice to know she was still looking out for me.
Look for things like phone calls with no one there, moved coins, more birds, songs that you liked--that sort of thing. I know how lucky I was to have had my Grandma so long, but holidays are still hard. We live about an 8 hour drive from the rest of our families. Our son is married and they want to spend their first Thanksgiving alone. I did tell my new daughter that if there was a holiday event she wanted to skip, she could always blame it on her in-laws. She got up and hugged me for it. We are blessed--we love her and think her parents are great people. Her parents welcomed our son with open arms and have been wonderful to us.
Right now you are raw.It will get better. Even though my father had been a heart patient for years, and knowing he was on borrowed time after the 3rd heart attack didn't make the shock of him being gone any less. Just because it wasn't a surprise didn't make it expected some how.
That's why I haven't read the book about getting to spend one more day with someone who had died. I think letting go a second time and starting grieving all over again would be to hard to handle.
they are out of pain. Energy is what animates these shells we wear. That's why they can use electricity to bring someone back. Energy isn't destroyed; it just takes another form. The love you feel for them still has a place to go. You can love someone miles away that you rarely see and know they love you.
YOu can also check out the Depression forum--there are a lot of warm, caring, supportive people there. You can check out the Front Desk thread to get an idea of who people are. Most of them don't write novels like I just did, but I could tell you were both in pain and we help each other through losses as well. If that isn't depressing, I don't know what is.
