Karbie: I've just read your post and I began to cry all over again. I'm still in the "period of the year when I'm depressed because of what happened to me in 1973-1974, that runs each August to October 15th" I can cry at the drop of a hat. Did you by any chance read the post I posted about my abortion in the Grief Support thread where I asked if anyone had an unwanted abortion and how many years they've been hurtin in silence. There have been 51 viewings,but no respoinses. It's strange to me, that no one has the Courage to admit to having an unwanted abortion.
September is when Jews celebrate the High Holidays. The Holiday begins usually on September 27- 29 and ends on October 6-8. The first day of the Holiday is called Rosh Hashanah, and the last day is called Yom Kipper, or the day of Atonement. The hoilday is hard for me,as my mom passed in 1974 right before the High Holidays began, and I never realized that it would also would have been at this time that I would have given birth to my son Jason Alan, if I'd not had that abortion.
He would have turned 38 this year,my mom has been dead 38 years as of September 29th. The Abortion happened on March 27,1973. And I did/do love his father, I just made the mistake of not telling him I was pregnant. Sure, I've wondered what would have happened if I had told him. For the record, we never talked about marriage if something were to happen. When I became pregnant, it was a complete accident,it wasn't on purpose. If my mom was still alive she would see what a horridable mistake she and my father made.
Now I can tell you this about my parents. They may not have given birth to me but in my book they were my parents. My biologicial parents mean nothing to me. My real dad ran out on my real mom instead of taking responsiblity for getting a girl pregnant. And my birth mom did what was the "Correct thing and gave me up and let another couple who couldn't have children raise me"
In 2006 I found out about my biologicial sister,who's 8 years younger than me. She was borne in May 1963, seemed my birth mom was somewhat of a "party girl". Now when I found out about my sister, it was November,we were at my husband's brother's house for a family Thanksgiving, when I told everyone about what happend someone asked if I had any desire to meet them??
I told them I buried my parents, that my biologicial parents had no right to call themselves that and that the people who raised me WERE my Parents for all intense purposes. One thing that you must know about my dad is this, yes he was controlling at times but he loved my mother and when he died I knew he loved me as he gave me his whole estate,cutting out his own brothers and sister.
Would he,if he were still alive care about what he had done in making me have the abortion? That is something I'll never know, as he's been dead for twenty five years. He never said a word after the abortion, as my mom suffered a massive stroke on 1-26-74 which then turned out to be an inopberable brain tumor which killed her. It also destroyed my father's whole world,which was my mother. She was the love of his life,his reason for living. To him I was just about nothing. In his eyes I never amounted to anything from the time I was six. He didn't care didly squat.
Since I wrote that first letter I've found out some really interesting things about that time, it seems that my mom had told certain people about my becoming pregnant. She told two cousins but not her baby sister, who I told a few years ago. I was shocked when my aunt told me about knowing about the abortion.
She made me understand that what happened was not my fault or my mom's. The blame/guilt rests solely with my father. If I had been given a choice I would have had my child and I would have given him up like I was given up and I would have found him when he turned eighteen.
I also would have not let my son have anything to do with his grandfather. My father does not deserve to know his grandchild if I had carried him to term. My father was a cold hearted man when it came to me,but when it came to his wife he had all of the love in the World for the women he married.
Can I forgive my mother? Most probably yes,as I know that she knows what that abortion did to me and she's sorry she hurt me so bad. The weekend of October 8th,there was a program on EWTN called "BloodMoney: the real Story of Abortion" and it opened my eyes about what happened and how many other women were in the exact same predictament as I was. I don't blame her anymore.
How can you stop grieving a hole in your life and heart? She was the only one of your adoptive parents who didn't cut you off emotionally and physically for not being perfect. And on that scale, your adopted father was probably the driving person behind your forced abortion. Being pregnant was just another example of not being a perfect specimen to him, and worst of all, this one would show. If you didn't marry--and he certainly didn't give you a chance to find out if the father of your child would have married you. It didn't count with him because when the finger-counting started everyone would know you'd gotten married because you had to. HE would have failed to prevent it. Everyone would KNOW.
I believe that in time your Mother would have realized the magnitude of what she did to you over the abortion. She'd had too many years of needing to toe the line for him.It's odd in a way that his preferred mode of punishment was to withdraw whatever attention he paid. A form of abuse that didn't show. After all, that's all that mattered to him. What the world thought of him, and not what people who loved him thought, felt--he doesn't have that sort of soul. Or maybe he doesn't believe in one.
You have a good soul and you've paid penance for his sins. Your son-to -be was conceived in love--but all that counted was that your father kept others from finding out that beneath the surface there was nothing but anger and contempt for anyone who cared about others. All he could see was weakness and vulnerability instead of love.
Someone who could cut a child off was bad enough. forcing you to have your child taken out was worse because he didn't care how you felt, wouldn't listen to you plead, and didn't grieve your mother because she'd failed him. I think she must have at least tried to get him to consider letting you have the baby at least behind closed doors. I'm sorry that you didn't get a chance for her to get out from under his thumb long enough to tell you that.
They've been making progress in so many diseases--I'm adding your cousins to my prayers.
My default setting on the laptop goes to Science news. The same supplement recommended for those with joint problems has been shown to slow down the onset of MS. That was just released 4 hours ago. I hope that means that als sufferers will benefit as well.
I lost my father 2 months after my 19th birthday in 1974. I understand the grief, and had others who loved him around me. I wish that your SOB adoptive male had understood a fraction of the love you have and receive from your birth siblings and extended family. What a waste of space, and a waste of a life if you don't love anyone.
I'm sorry for your losses. Remember that your mother was free of him and his "influence' the instant she died. She just wasn't strong enough to do it before then.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
Today's the 38th Anniversary of my late mom's passing. She died right before the High Holiday's in 1974. September is an exceptionally hard month for me,as it's also the anniversary of what would have been my Son's birthday had I not aborted him. A year ago I finally told his father the Truth of what happened in March of 1973. It's been a horrible year for me.
As for my mother's passing I try not to let it bother me, but now I've just found out that a close cousin has ALS, and I'm already in the grief stage. She's such a wonderful person. This is what they mean "Bad things happen to good people" her only child just got married last weekend, she should be looking foward to awaiting the birth of her first grandchild~but one doesn't know if she'll even be alive when that time comes?? My heart is just breaking for this women and her whole family.
As for my mother's death, no matter how hard I try I can never really stop greiveing for her. I miss her more than you'll ever know. People say I should get over her passing. Easier said than done. I was only a child of 19 when she died and I really nobody to comfort me. My father, well he more or less abandoned me emotionally and physically, he didn't hug me or even dried my tears. And I was greiving for both my Mother and my Son. I'm still greiving 38 years later for both of them.
Yes, that has happened to me--we also have a psychic streak, although a lot of mine includes physical touch. Due to my father dying 2 weeks past his 47th birthday, when the time came I helped Mother deal with losing her own father because I'd experienced that and she hadn't. I was looking at the picture of Grandma I have on my dresser mirror when we were trying to clean up the house before our son's in-laws to be came down to loan us a van until we had a chance to shop for another car. I have a lot of physical problems, and I wear out a lot faster than I would like. I told her I was setting the alarm for just an hour's nap and then I would get up and do her proud.
Guess what. Housekeeping isn't important in Heaven, apparently, because I was pushed back on the bed, my bedroom door slammed shut, and the light turned out. My husband asked why I had slammed the door, and there is no way to reach it from the bed. I slept for 2 hours. Since the kitchend taable and chairs from her house are boxed up in our living room, there's not a lot we can do until the kids get a bigger apartment. Grandma ran everything on a tight schedule when my sister and I were little.
However, I loved what she said to my son. He'd fixed dinner for us, promising he'd wash up afterwards. I kept waiting because I didn't want my husband to come down to dirty dishes. My son ended up leaving them for me; if he'd told me sooner i could have been done and in bed sooner. I was on the 3rd and final sink of dishes when he came down to get a drink. He left and came right back, offering to do the dishes. I was exhausted, in leg spasms, and got out of there before he changed his mind. He'd had an odd expression, but I needed to get to bed. The next morning he said that he had almost reached the stairs when a thought was put in his head "Did you see all the things you left in the sink for your Mother to do?" I had to laugh, because that was exactly Grandma! the next step up would have been "Did you see all the things you left in the sink for your poor Mother to do?" Grandma was "Mother", and mine has always been "Mother" as well. I'm Mom. I have to say that I loved it, and knowing she was still looking out for me has been wonderful.
I didn't know what music the kids had chosen for their wedding; as it turned out, their processional was Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring". It was one of Grandma's favorite pieces of music to play and had been the recessional when we were married. Theris was "I Got You Babe". Another connection --they had made little take home waxed boxes for guest at the reception to take home candy in since it was a dessert reception. The chocolates were Grandma's favorite brand as well. After we'd been transerred to Ohio, she fell in love with one company from here and it was something no one else could get for her. It was a surprise seeing them there.
I had been planning to come back to see Grandma, and ended up going back a week earlier than we'd planned. As soon as I walked into her room, she said "Oh, I'm so glad that you are here. Now I can go because you'll be here to take care of your Mother." the year before she died I got time with Grandma I would never have expected to have. I had gone back to take my mil to her radiation tratments for breast cancer. After I'd been there a few weeks, Grandma called Mother and asked if she could spend a few days with us there. That had never happened before. As it turned out, I took Mom to her treatments in the afternoon and took care of Grandma during the night. (After beating Mother to her the first night, Mother agreed to take her usual medication at night and let me do it.) So we had some very, very close time together that I will always be grateful for.
I think in some ways having a psychic streak helps because we don't have to wonder if there really is something after this. That question has been answered. It doesn't mean that we miss those we love any less, or that we don't have questions we'd like answered. (If I did really agree to some of these physical problems before I got here, is there just a moment where I get to kick myself? I'd really like to.)
We all cope however we can. Sometimes it is humor, sometimes we cry, or sometimes we are lucky enough to bring up a memory that isn't painful....like one Christmas Eve when my son's younger cousin tackled him over. I just said "Tigger bounce" since he loved doing that with us. Everyone held their breath--but it would never have occured to my son to do anything to his 1 year old cousin for that. He'd been getting a kick out of watching him try to put all the stick-on bows on his head and clothes all evening. On my worst days, I know that each day gets me closer to being with them all again. In the meantime, I can see those gatherings whenever I need to. I'm just grateful I got to have my Grandma as long as I did.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
My condolences to you...Even though my relationship with my father was very different from your relationship with your father, I know what you are going through....My father had a stroke last year and passed away in February...It feels really weird to NOT have him in my life now...I did not have to call him on his birthday or Father's Day...He won't be there to walk me down the aisle when I get married.....His death made my relationship with my immediate family a bit stronger....We have to love one another...
Wow, I'm sorry for all of your losses! Everyone here, Karbie, Colin, Deedee, thefish.
Deedee, about eleven years ago I could have written your post. My mother died from breast cancer over Christmas break my last year in college and I had a lot of problems with depression. I have bipolar actually although it wasn't fully diagnosed then, but the added stress made it worse. I went back to school right away and people were wondering how I could be back, but I really didn't see any other way. My mom hated to have people put themselves out for her and thus she would have thrown spitballs at me from heaven if I'd stayed out of my last semester. It was really hard, though, I almost didn't graduate.
It's always painful to lose a parent...I don't care how old you are or how old they are, you are never *really* prepared for it. You can know it's coming and you can be there at their side but we still feel the loss either way. The holidays can be particularly rough for some people. I will always remember the exact day and time my mother died-December 12, 1998 at approximately 11:45 pm. No one can tell you how you are 'supposed' to grieve because we are all different in that way. We have a kind of 'psychic' streak in our family too and so I believe that we can still talk to my mom and that she'll hear us, even if she doesn't respond the way we expect. I've seen her in dreams and heard her voice, and that's a very comforting thing although it was kind of scary at first. Karbie, does that happen to you?
My uncle passed away a couple of weeks ago after having cancer for a long time (ten years), and the things I keep reminding myself about him and my mother are that they are not suffering anymore. They may have died to this life but they are on to another journey if you will, where they won't have any of the illneses and problems they had here. The body is only a shell, it's not the essence of a person.
My eye caught this thread because my mother has been going down hill this year and 3 of us live far away. She is in the hospital right now and her last wish was to have all of us home for Christmas.
She spent her 80th birthday in the hospital and the one child that still lives in town was on a vacation...so she was there...alone...with not one of her 4 children with her. My heart broke into a million pieces.
Now, she's on dialysis and we're not sure if she will make it to Christmas.
I thought I was prepared...I'm 50 and we all know that we will lose our parents someday. But I'm taking it harder than I thought I would. I guess I always thought that I'ld see her again before the end. I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. She was the only parent I had. Dad wasn't around much after the divorce and she raised 4 children alone. She is the strongest woman I've ever known.
It's so hard for me to accept that she is so frail now. I am just praying she holds on until we get there. My sister is in the same boat. Mother lives in Louisiana, I in California and my sister in Seattle, WA.
I don't know why I posted all this...just felt this was a good thread to pour my heart out on.
Thanks for listening...and good luck to you...I'm sure you will be fine...it will just take time.
I'm so sorry for your loss! I know that the holiday seasons are tough--I can remember thinking I was prepared for everything but not getting a loved one a present or sending a card kind of slaps you in the face. Especially as raw as everything must be right now. I am glad that you have family around. I understand why going to them isn't more of a solution for you--people either get defensive out of guilt they didn't do as much as you to help your mother when you weren't thinking of that at all or you have to bottle up too much of your own pain when you see how much your pain bothers them.Not a great situation.
Depression can be caused by many things, and most of them have nothing to do with mental illness in case someone gives you any crap about it. And Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can happen to anyone who has been under a great deal of stress--you don't need to have been in combat to get it. I have clinical depression and wouldn't be surprised if you do after all that you've been through. I've seen CAT scans of the Brain of a normal person and the brain of aomeone who is depressed. I was really shocked to see the difference between the brains...but then I was also surprised they managed to find the person with the "normal" brain. Prolonged stress can actually alter the chemistry of the brain. Taking something to get the brain balanced is no different than a diabetic taking insulin. There's no shame attached and frankly it isn't anyone elses' business. If they weren't there to help you, they have no right to say a single negative thing to you.
So don't beat yourself up or let anyone else beat you up about things you might have done or things you did for your mother. If they had wanted things to get done their way, they should have been there to help you.
I don't know if you read my posts to Colin--but they apply to you as well. Love survives death. The personality survives death, but without all the physical problems that made the victims. The soul is the spark of energy that animates us all. Energy can't be destroyed but it can change into a different form. Water cn be steam, liquid, ice or the morning dew in a garden. Or it can form rainbows for you.
Hang in there. Please at least check out the Depression support forum. there are some wonderful, carin and supportive people there. I'll still be checking back here as well.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
Colin, I am so sorry for your loss. My mom passed one month ago, also. 10 months od caretaking and watching her fail sent me into a depression. Unlike you, I couldn't finish things I had started and had to take a break this fall. You gave gift, one you'll never regret but I do understand the question, "how do we make a life for ourselves?" I speant many years as another sort of caretaker for mom and now I'm left empty and so very lonely. I loved her more than anything. Like you, I do have supportive friends and I have a sister and father (who are grieving much differently). I'm glad I found this site and hope I'm not forgetting anything. MY mind has been very blank lately. Take care of yourself this holiday season.
I'm glad I could help. sometimes just connecting and knowing that someone else heard you helps because you aren't suffering in a vacuum. While the Victorians got a lot of things wrong, I think that wearing mourning or a black armband for men to show that you've lost someone you loved and should be cut some slack is a lot saner than expecting someone to get over it as soon as the funeral's over is a lot crazier.
As soon as I went to see Grandma, one of the first things she said to me was, "Oh, good. You'll be here to take care of your mother, and when she gets older she can live with your sister." I had gotten some bonus time with her the year before when I'd gone back to my home town to take my mother in law for her radiation treatments for breast cancer. during that period, Grandma called and asked if she could spend a few days at Mother's with us. she'd never done that before. As it turned out, she spent over a week there and I spent the first 2 nights she spent back at her own home to help her during the night. How strange but cool to spend the night at Grandma's again. One night I'd tucked her in, and she reached out both arms to kiss me on the lips. There was a lifetime of love in her eyes.
There's a psychic streak in our family although I'm hardly as sensitive as my sister or niece. But one night she got through to my son. He had cooked dinner for us, promising he'd do the clean-up. He ended up leaving it for me to do. he came back downstairs to get a drink as i was working on the third and final sink of dishes, left the kitchen and was back a few minutes later with an odd expression and offerred to finish up. I'm disabled, so I took the offer and left. The next morning he came over to me and told me he'd just about made it to the stairs when a thought came "Did you see the number of dishes you left in the sink for your Mother to do?" And asked me if that had been Grandma. It absolutely was; the next intensity would have been "Did you see the number of dishes you left for your poor Mother to do?"
I could understand what you are going through--Mother and Grandma at least talked every day during those last 20 years. They went on some cruises together, down to Florida to visit my sister when she was living in the Keys and up to see me and take my son and me back for visits before he started school. All of Mother's doctors were the same as Grandma's and none of them were particularly close to Mother's side of town. I'm glad my sister is back in town for Mother and closer than an hour's drive to decent medical care.
I know you have a lot of papers and things to go through--but if you need to talk to someone, I'll be checking back, okay?
Hang in there, whether it's one day at a time or one hour. It will get better.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
