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Switch to Forum Live View Miss Mom So Much!....How can I go on without her?
5 years ago  ::  Jan 20, 2010 - 1:41AM #1
Angel20937
Posts: 3

 


I lost my mother to breast cancer on 9/16/07.  She had just turned 70 on July '07.  Still today, I can't believe she is gone.  My sisters have been able to move on but I am still having a very hard time moving on.  I am the youngest of four girls. 


My mother was my friend, my companion, my everything.  I lived two blocks aways from her for 8 years, so either I would go over to her house to eat dinner or she would come to mine.  Coming every first of the month, when I would get paid, I would always take her out to eat, my treat....There was not a day when we did not speak.  Everyday, I would call & see how she was doing or she would call me and when we would talk, on occasion, she knew by my tone of my voice that I was not having a good day.  And on those days, she would come by my work and bring me a rose from her rose garden to cheer me up.  (I could still smell the scent of that rose)  I didn't even have to tell her, she knew by my voice (bless her heart).


I still remember the day like it was today.  I was at work when my sister called and told me that mom is staying at the hospital and her doctor was going to get her a private room and make her comfortable. When I heard her tell me this, I was in a daze and asked my sister, "what do you mean by comfortable"?  My sister says to me, "I will tell you when you come to the hospital". I couldn't wait so I asked my sister, again, "what do you mean by comfortable"?  She hesitated. She then says to me that Mom's calcium levels were out of control and dr could not figure out why. They have been in the hospital since around 9am that morning.  My sister tells me, he has tried to control it but was not able too and her cancer had progressed rapidly.  My sister also says, "he has tried, believe me" he has tried.  He came to me with his eyes watery, teary-eyed and didn't know how to tell us.......Please note, her doctor had been treating her for over 15 yrs.


Anyway, I still refused to accept that my mother was "dying".  I could NOT even comprehend, in my mind, that my mother was "dying". I kept telling myself, this can't be true? This cannot be? How could this be?  How could she be dying?  She is always able to pull out of it...this can't be?  I was so in shock that when I got in my car to go to the hospital, I could not even put my car in drive.... When I did get to the hospital and walked in her room, I immediately saw my mother with a breathing tube in her mouth.  She was unconscious.  I immediately dropped my purse and went to her to try to wake her up.  I sat next to her, grabbed her hand and whispered in her ear and said to her......"my mamacita" (my dear mother) this is angel..... Wake up, I'm here, wake up.  She would not wake up.  I started to get teary-eyed and kept trying to wake her up.  My sister then came to me, held me and said to me, she is unconscious, angel. I asked my sister, when will she wake up? She will wake up, right?". My sister, says, no she won't angel, she isn't waking up anymore.  The doctor did tell us that even though she is in that condition, she can still hear us.  I then asked my sister why does she have a breathing tube?  Sister then answered and said, "she isn't able to breath on her own, angel".  That is when I broke down.


When it was that time for my mother to take her last breath, I was the only daughter there in the room with her, along with my mom's sisters and her brother. My mother then opened her eyes, I spoke out loud and said, "she has opened her eyes".  I immediately thought to myself, okay, she is waking up now, she will pull out of this....But then one of her eyes slowly closed half way, but she still had one open.  I went to my mother immediately as soon as she opened them.  I sat next to her, grabbed her hand and whispered in her ear, "mamacita, i'm here, wake up" .So then my uncle called the nurse, and the nurse listened to her heartbeat and said to my uncle, it's getting close.  When I heard that, I thought... getting close? My  aunts wondered about that too until my uncle said, "she's dying".  I froze as soon as I heard that. My eyes started to get teary-eyed, I grabbed her hand even tighter and called her, "mamacita".  She still had one eye open and the other semi-open.


Nurse came back a few minutes later and checked her vitals again, and said, "it's getting closer", so the nurse stood there and waited there.  I still could not believe this was happening to my mother.  I said to myself, this is a dream, this is NOT happening....Then I heard her sisters (my aunts) crying out and telling my mother, "don't go...don't go, stay here with us"....After I heard them, I thought to myself and remember what the priest said to us.  He said, "when that time comes, when she is passing, do not, do not, say to her, don't go".  My uncle said why?  The priest said, even though she is unconscious, she can still hear you.  And when they hear you say that, what happens is that their spirit will stay here with us and, really, that is not what you want. Because if she stays here, she will just suffer. Surely, you don't want them to suffer anymore than what they have been. 


So when I heard my aunts (her sisters) say that to her, I immediately remembered what the priest told us.  So I got closer to my mother and bent down & whispered in her ear, "Mom, it's okay, it's okay, mamacita, we will be fine. It's okay mamacita.  I will take care of the boys, mamacita.  I love you so much mamacita!  It's okay".  A few seconds after I said that to her, she passed away.


Believe me ..... that was the hardest thing I had to ever do in my life.  But I knew that if my mother heard my aunts, my mother would stay, and I did not want her to suffer anymore than what she was going through. Sometimes, I wonder if I did the wrong thing.  I did not want her to go, but then I did not want her to suffer either.


To this day, I strongly believe that the Lord put me there at that time, at that moment, with my mother for a reason. Why? I am still trying to figure out.


The reason I was the only daughter in the room when my mothers last moments of life was because one sister was picking up her fiance at the airport, another sister went to her home to shower and change, and the oldest sister had walked down the hall to talk with my uncle about the services.  I still feel bad for my sisters because they were not there at that moment.


Later that evening, I came home, laid down and just started crying hysterically, asking the Lord, why?  I was not mad at him, I just asked, Why?  I had to take anxiety medication to calm me down.  As I laid in my bed, I was still crying and had my back turned towards my bedroom door.  I then felt someone touch my arm to comfort me.  I thought it was one of my boys, but when I turned, there was no one there.  Then again when I finally cried myself to sleep, I felt someone brush right my cheek, like someone was wiping my tears away.  When I opened my eyes, again, there was no one there.


So I strongly believe that my mother was comforting me.  On ocassion, I will get a whif of her perfume, just out of no where.  Sometimes, I feel her presence too.


Since that day on, I feel so empty inside. I feel like I have no feeling inside anymore. I also wonder how am I ever going to be able to live without her.  On ocassion, I think of suicide just so I won't feel this pain anymore.....but I won't do it and ask the Lord for forgiveness....because I know, when my time comes and I go with the Lord, I will see her waiting for me.


 I just don't want to feel this emptiness anymore, I don't want to feel the pain, the heartache.


 


 

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2010 - 2:59AM #2
Angel20937
Posts: 3

John,


Thank you for your kind & comforting words.  I am sorry to hear of your loss of your father. I truely feel your pain.  I just wish that this pain wouldn't be so painful.  I understand that time heals all wounds, but I honestly think it will never heal my heart no matter how much time goes by.  I know she will always be with me in my heart & in my mind.

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2010 - 8:01AM #3
Wheat
Posts: 1

I'm so sorry to hear aboout your pain.  I lost my dad many years ago.  When my husband and I were driving home after seeing him for what I knew was the last time, I cried and cried.  I could barely speak at his funeral.  He had been my emotional support, my source for encouragement and wisdom.  Now, I feel he is near me at times, watching out for me still.


I don't watch Dr. Phil often but a few times I saw him talking to people who were unable to get beyond their grief.  He said that they possibly felt that to let go of grief and go on with life seems as if they are turning your back on their loved one.  Then he asked the grieving person what he thought his/her loved one would say if they were here and saw them grieving.  Of course, each time the person answered that their loved one would be sad to see them so distraught.  He suggested that the best was to honor them is to move on and let go of the grief.  He said that holding onto grief was their way of tyring to keep their loved one near and that it was scary to think of letting go of that because it seemed like a betrayal.  But he had them picture their loved one happy knowing they were happy.  Those episodes have stuck in my mind.  Your mom wants you to be happy.  You are not deserting your mom by being happy but are honoring her.


You mentioned that you have felt your mom near you at times.  I also believe that are loved ones are able to be near us.  I find comfort in that. 


I found your post because my husband is having serious health issues and I am contemplating what it will be like to be a widow.  Having lost one husband many years ago in a divorce, I know how painful and lonely it can be to live alone.  He may live many more years but health issues make me think about that dark alone place I will probably be in at sometime in the fuure.  You spent a lot of time with your mom just as I do with my husband.  I am contemplating what kinds of things I will do to fill the time that was spent with him.  I know my life will change and I will have to find new people and activities to give my life new purpose.  (Not that he is my only purpose by any means but he does take up a large part of my life being my steady companion.) 


Life is a strange dichotomy.  One enters and leaves alone and yet connected to others at the same time.  When I have gone through loss I always seemed to find a heightened sense of awareness of life's importance.  People seemed to come to support me when I needed it.  And sometimes in unusual ways.  It wasn't always those close to me because sometimes I felt let down by them.  I have also found solace in sharing my grief with others who are also hurting. 


Perhaps you can find a grief support group.  I know of friends who have been helped by them and I know in our community there are several drop-in grief support groups at various churches. 


May God bless.

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4 years ago  ::  Feb 02, 2010 - 9:29PM #4
Angel20937
Posts: 3

Thank you for your words of comfort. I am sorry to hear about your husband. All I can say is cherish every moment you have with him and give him all your love. Make every moment memorable to him as well.  I will keep him in my prayers.


As for Dr. Phil, it's true. It did pass through my mind that If I went on with my life, I felt guilty, I felt like I was forgetting about my mother.  That was the last thing I ever wanted to do.


But then again, I know she would not want to see me depressed and constantly crying. She would want me to go on with my life and to take care of my boys and be there for them.   I have three boys.  My oldest son is 29, 18, and 15. 


 Although at this moment, it's just me and the 18 yr old.  Bless his heart, he has taken care of me so much. When I get to missing my mother and shed some tears, my son says, "it's okay, mom", and gives me a hug and comforts me.  Telling me, it's okay mom, it'll be okay.  He is such a blessing to me. My other two boys are in a different state and I soon will follow and be there with them.


Although it's been an extreme trial in my life losing my mother, I do know this... our heavenly father has been with me every step of the way.  He is there for us, all of us.  I also know that my mother is no longer suffering in pain and she at peace and in a more beautiful place ever.  And I will soon be with her in time, when our Lord calls me back home.


My prayers are with you and your husband and family. May the Lord Bless you richly and give your husband comfort and peace.


 


 

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4 years ago  ::  Feb 11, 2010 - 1:25PM #5
Juli
Posts: 2

Angel, I am SO sorry to hear about your mother.  Believe me when I tell you I KNOW how you feel.  I just lost my mother on Jan. 8, 2010 from complications of diabetes and heart disease.  She was 79.  My mother was everything to me.  She was not only my parent but a friend.  I talked about everything with my mother and learned all my life lessons from her.  I saw her every single week since the day I was born and although I am now 47, I am still heartbroken that she is now gone forever.  I've had a terrible time adjusting to this new "normal."  While others in my family seem to be adjusting OK, I cry daily and still can't accept the fact she's gone.  I also had to go on anti-depressants because the day after the funeral, I got into a terrible depression and I absolutely needed the help or I may not have gotten through those first few weeks.  I'm struggling day by day and I think about her constantly, even when I'm busy at work I still have images of her hitting me all day long and it's hard to block them even when I'm trying to go about my life.  This is the first death in our immediate family I've ever experienced and it's been terrible trying to adjust to life without her.  I miss her terribly and the thought of going through every holiday this year is horrible.  I just had my birthday a week ago and it was the first time I never got my birthday call where my mother would sing happy birthday to me and I was so sad that that tradition I had looked forward to every year was now not going to happen. 


Right now, I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, but since my Mom has died some other things have made the adjustment worse for me.   The day of my mother's funeral my mother in law decided to make trouble at the funeral and chewed me out for something I didn't even do, and when she finally called me a week later, I asked her for an apology and when she knew I was in extreme emotional pain over my Mom's death, all she did was tell me "Oh get over it you damn old fool" and hung up.  So I've lost the support of my mother in law and now realize what kind of person she is that would do something to someone who is in such emotional pain.  Thank God my husband and my sister have been such wonderful support for me because I don't know what I would have done without them at a time like this. 


They say death is a part of life but they don't prepare you that even so, it's going to hurt like crazy.  Please feel free to contact me anytime because I DO know how you feel because I am struggling myself to get through the worst time in my life.


God bless,


Badgermama

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 19, 2010 - 1:39AM #6
Angelo
Posts: 1

Angel I am so sorry about your mom.


Your story mirrors mine so much I felt like you were narrating my story.  My mom was 62 years old,  I lived about a block away from her for almost 8 years.  I am the oldest of 4 children.  We are 3 males and a female.  I also spent time with her at her house and if I didn't call her she'd call me wondering why I hadn't called.  She was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis caused by rheumatoid arthritis.  Life expectancy is 2 years with this disease and she lived a little more than that.  I had gone back to college and was dating at the time.  I left school and told the person I was dating at the time that I had to take care of my mom and that was my priority.  She had always been the most important thing to me but when she became sick she became my life.  I spent every weekend with her.  Shopping when she was able, took her to dinner almost every weekend.  She wasn't able to clean or cook or any of that for a long time.  I took over all those chores for her.  I ran mine and her home.  She would argue with me that I needed to have a life and Ialways told her "you are my life mom".  I feel bad for my younger brother as he lives in CT and didn't come to FL until she was already in the hospital, over 2 years but he was in denial and he missed out on the time he could have had.  I made sure that every second that I had was spent with her.  The whole family was in the hospital where she spent the last 6 weeks, I remember that I came home the night before she went to the hospital and something told me to go straight to her house.  She wasn't feeling well.  I had to work the next morning so I set up her breakfast for the morning and the coffee.  Got everything ready and told mom I was going home.  She said ok and I left.  I had an uneasy feeling at home and called her.  I said mom I'm coming over so she wouldn't be startled.  She asked why and I said because I want to spend the night with you.  She didn't argue.  I knew she was feeling really bad at that point.  I spent just about every night in the hospital with her.  My brother and I.  My younger siblings from CT were back and forth.  The day that she passed I knew in my heart she was leaving me, she was alert but really sick.  They had a Bpap on her to force air into her lungs.  I looked at her and said, "Mom are you tired"  she answered yes.  I then asked, "Mom do you need us to tell you it's ok to leave".  She answered yes.  My brothers and sister were standing there.  I said mom, it's ok.  You can rest.  We'll be ok.  I promise we'll be ok and I'll keep us all together.  I promise mom.  She looked up at me and nodded.  Closed her eyes and she never woke up, she passed that night. 


That is when my nightmare began.  I thought it was hard seeing her get sick and have her in the hospital.  It is harder living without her.  Living a block away from her house.  Picking up the phone or thinking to myself I have to tell mom this and not being able to.  It has been 5 months and I am still asking myself "Why".  Screaming why!, when I'm home alone.  My son who is 23 tells me he needs me to be ok, he says I still need you dad and I have to be strong for him but inside I'm dying.  I don't know how to go on without her.  I made her my world for over 2 years, nothing and nobody meant anything to me while I was caring for my mom.  I feel like a little boy who needs his mother.  I am a man who needs his mother.  I miss her so much.


Thank you Angel for posting this and thank you for letting me post part of my story.


God bless us all.  We as parents love our children with all our hearts but Mom is the most important, the greatest love there will ever be.


Your friend,


 


Angelo

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4 years ago  ::  May 27, 2010 - 1:09PM #7
David
Posts: 287

Jan 20, 2010 -- 1:41AM, Angel20937 wrote:


 


I lost my mother to breast cancer on 9/16/07.  She had just turned 70 on July '07.  Still today, I can't believe she is gone.  My sisters have been able to move on but I am still having a very hard time moving on.  I am the youngest of four girls. 


My mother was my friend, my companion, my everything.  I lived two blocks aways from her for 8 years, so either I would go over to her house to eat dinner or she would come to mine.  Coming every first of the month, when I would get paid, I would always take her out to eat, my treat....There was not a day when we did not speak.  Everyday, I would call & see how she was doing or she would call me and when we would talk, on occasion, she knew by my tone of my voice that I was not having a good day.  And on those days, she would come by my work and bring me a rose from her rose garden to cheer me up.  (I could still smell the scent of that rose)  I didn't even have to tell her, she knew by my voice (bless her heart).


I still remember the day like it was today.  I was at work when my sister called and told me that mom is staying at the hospital and her doctor was going to get her a private room and make her comfortable. When I heard her tell me this, I was in a daze and asked my sister, "what do you mean by comfortable"?  My sister says to me, "I will tell you when you come to the hospital". I couldn't wait so I asked my sister, again, "what do you mean by comfortable"?  She hesitated. She then says to me that Mom's calcium levels were out of control and dr could not figure out why. They have been in the hospital since around 9am that morning.  My sister tells me, he has tried to control it but was not able too and her cancer had progressed rapidly.  My sister also says, "he has tried, believe me" he has tried.  He came to me with his eyes watery, teary-eyed and didn't know how to tell us.......Please note, her doctor had been treating her for over 15 yrs.


Anyway, I still refused to accept that my mother was "dying".  I could NOT even comprehend, in my mind, that my mother was "dying". I kept telling myself, this can't be true? This cannot be? How could this be?  How could she be dying?  She is always able to pull out of it...this can't be?  I was so in shock that when I got in my car to go to the hospital, I could not even put my car in drive.... When I did get to the hospital and walked in her room, I immediately saw my mother with a breathing tube in her mouth.  She was unconscious.  I immediately dropped my purse and went to her to try to wake her up.  I sat next to her, grabbed her hand and whispered in her ear and said to her......"my mamacita" (my dear mother) this is angel..... Wake up, I'm here, wake up.  She would not wake up.  I started to get teary-eyed and kept trying to wake her up.  My sister then came to me, held me and said to me, she is unconscious, angel. I asked my sister, when will she wake up? She will wake up, right?". My sister, says, no she won't angel, she isn't waking up anymore.  The doctor did tell us that even though she is in that condition, she can still hear us.  I then asked my sister why does she have a breathing tube?  Sister then answered and said, "she isn't able to breath on her own, angel".  That is when I broke down.


When it was that time for my mother to take her last breath, I was the only daughter there in the room with her, along with my mom's sisters and her brother. My mother then opened her eyes, I spoke out loud and said, "she has opened her eyes".  I immediately thought to myself, okay, she is waking up now, she will pull out of this....But then one of her eyes slowly closed half way, but she still had one open.  I went to my mother immediately as soon as she opened them.  I sat next to her, grabbed her hand and whispered in her ear, "mamacita, i'm here, wake up" .So then my uncle called the nurse, and the nurse listened to her heartbeat and said to my uncle, it's getting close.  When I heard that, I thought... getting close? My  aunts wondered about that too until my uncle said, "she's dying".  I froze as soon as I heard that. My eyes started to get teary-eyed, I grabbed her hand even tighter and called her, "mamacita".  She still had one eye open and the other semi-open.


Nurse came back a few minutes later and checked her vitals again, and said, "it's getting closer", so the nurse stood there and waited there.  I still could not believe this was happening to my mother.  I said to myself, this is a dream, this is NOT happening....Then I heard her sisters (my aunts) crying out and telling my mother, "don't go...don't go, stay here with us"....After I heard them, I thought to myself and remember what the priest said to us.  He said, "when that time comes, when she is passing, do not, do not, say to her, don't go".  My uncle said why?  The priest said, even though she is unconscious, she can still hear you.  And when they hear you say that, what happens is that their spirit will stay here with us and, really, that is not what you want. Because if she stays here, she will just suffer. Surely, you don't want them to suffer anymore than what they have been. 


So when I heard my aunts (her sisters) say that to her, I immediately remembered what the priest told us.  So I got closer to my mother and bent down & whispered in her ear, "Mom, it's okay, it's okay, mamacita, we will be fine. It's okay mamacita.  I will take care of the boys, mamacita.  I love you so much mamacita!  It's okay".  A few seconds after I said that to her, she passed away.


Believe me ..... that was the hardest thing I had to ever do in my life.  But I knew that if my mother heard my aunts, my mother would stay, and I did not want her to suffer anymore than what she was going through. Sometimes, I wonder if I did the wrong thing.  I did not want her to go, but then I did not want her to suffer either.


To this day, I strongly believe that the Lord put me there at that time, at that moment, with my mother for a reason. Why? I am still trying to figure out.


The reason I was the only daughter in the room when my mothers last moments of life was because one sister was picking up her fiance at the airport, another sister went to her home to shower and change, and the oldest sister had walked down the hall to talk with my uncle about the services.  I still feel bad for my sisters because they were not there at that moment.


Later that evening, I came home, laid down and just started crying hysterically, asking the Lord, why?  I was not mad at him, I just asked, Why?  I had to take anxiety medication to calm me down.  As I laid in my bed, I was still crying and had my back turned towards my bedroom door.  I then felt someone touch my arm to comfort me.  I thought it was one of my boys, but when I turned, there was no one there.  Then again when I finally cried myself to sleep, I felt someone brush right my cheek, like someone was wiping my tears away.  When I opened my eyes, again, there was no one there.


So I strongly believe that my mother was comforting me.  On ocassion, I will get a whif of her perfume, just out of no where.  Sometimes, I feel her presence too.


Since that day on, I feel so empty inside. I feel like I have no feeling inside anymore. I also wonder how am I ever going to be able to live without her.  On ocassion, I think of suicide just so I won't feel this pain anymore.....but I won't do it and ask the Lord for forgiveness....because I know, when my time comes and I go with the Lord, I will see her waiting for me.


 I just don't want to feel this emptiness anymore, I don't want to feel the pain, the heartache.


 my sincere sympathies for the loss of your mom, Angel..I lost my mother to colon cancer in 1987 and my dad to the same disease this past December..I know how you're feeling....I think of  both of my folks every day..but I also smile when I think this..they are in Heavan with God and all of His Angels and Saints..and your mom is there as well....God bless you and yours and be comforted in knowing that God loves you and  will always be there for you..


Amen...


david


 


 





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4 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2010 - 9:56PM #8
sophie
Posts: 1

Thanks for sharing your story. I am going through my own grief. I am such a strong person that it's hard for me to do this. My mom passed on April 21st. of this year.  I am in the process of doing my grief work. I don't have a clue and I don't think there is a plan. I think it's just part of the process. And I have done tons of grief work. The hospital had hospice come in but it's like they were all just thrown at me. I think the worst part is just how fast everything was and how my mom had been in ICU in Feb. then she was moved and stabalized to an Alzheimer's Unit. Then, I got the call that she had went into cardiac arrest. I know I am telling the story in a disjointed way but maybe you can relate to that. I just think grief is part of life but when it's our mom's you might as well take 3 months off of your life so you can deal with all the stuff. My mother sacrificed a lot for me and I am trying to live the life she would want me to live. Prior to my mom going into the ICU I was in the process of moving. Where I had been living I had a number of problems with the landlord to the point that I was going to take them to small claims court once I moved out.  But instead I am moving on and not holding on. But I want o feel my grief but feel it without it swollowing me whole like a snake. With me being the mouse.Thanks for listening.

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