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Switch to Forum Live View How does Buddhism take this?
9 years ago  ::  Oct 02, 2009 - 7:30AM #1
Posts: 2


I am in so much pain and loss these days I do not know how to continue with my life because I find it so hard to get out of this.

I gave birth to a full-term baby boy 3 weeks ago and he came out stillborn. My whole pregnancy was trouble free and I had been feeling that little angel kicking and moving inside me actively in the last 9 months until week 38 when all of a sudden he stopped moving. When the docotor told me this, my whole being was gone. I could not understand why and how this could had happened. They told me 30% of the stillbirth had no conclusive causes to find. I went through the whole process of being pregnant for 9 months and a henrendous labour induction and delivery, yet all I had was my poor little baby's cold little body. Holding his little hands, touching him over and over again, I felt my heart was cut into pieces beyond repair. It's been 3 weeks now I just could not get out of it. I do not understand why this could happen (they have checked both me and my baby in the hospital. So far there was no reasons found).

My little baby's image and the feeling of his little hands just come to me over and over again. Sometimes, when I am not thinking of it, it is ok. But I think of him nearly a hundred times a day and I feel like I could not breath at the thought that my little angel, who had given me so much joy and expectations in the last 9 months, is gone, after full-term inside me.

I tried to be strong, doing meditation about life and death. Each time, the wave of sorrow just flushed me all over I could not continue because of the pain and the sobbing. It hurts just so much.

Friends and families came to offer their condolence and care. I truly appreciate that but in the meantime I also feel that nobody can truly feel the pain that I do, not even my husband. I tried to look inside and find an answer there, to why this happened and how I should continue with my life, but my brain is just pure blank and my heart feels nothing but hurts and numbness.

Some people told us everything happens for a reason. Maybe my baby is in a better place now because maybe coming to this life is meant a suffering for him. I could not accept this. I could not. He has been a genetically and physically proven healthy baby, what reason could that be? (It was not a cord accident either). And why wouldn't he want to come to be with his mother who had been waiting for him with all her heart and soul?
I looked around, I talked to people, I tried to search answers in books, I tried to look inside (it was hard to be in peace), there was no answer. Why did this happen and how does Buddhism take this? Could someone tell me something? My heart is so empty and numb I just don't know how to proceed with life.
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9 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 9:07AM #2
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

First, I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing in the world harder than losing a child. And there is nothing, NOTHING, that anybody can say to help you feel better now. You will have to go through the grieving process, largely alone, despite well-meant comments from family and friends.

However, my dear, as dark as this tunnel is, there IS a light on the other side. There will come a day when you notice a gentle spring breeze, or the smell of the rain, or the feel of a snowflake on your eyelashes without pain. And then you will know life is returning to you.

As for what Buddhism would say (apart from the concept that all life is suffering), there is physical hope. At the moment of the Big Bang, we were all unified. As stars, planets, life formed, we began to see ourselves as individual, unique beings, but that unification that was is still there. Your dear son is still part of that vast creation, in a different form, yes, but still part of us ... of you. In the spring, when flowers bloom, you will remember that in order for rebirth of all kinds, death must occur, and through death, there is creation.

None of this will touch you now. You are in a dark place, grieving, as is natural and normal. Don't make yourself leave that place until you have spent all the pain and you are ready to face the world again. But when you are ready, smile at your son, growing in those flowers, and tell him you love him.

Feel free to contact me if you want to continue to talk.


First amendment fan since 1793.
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9 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 10:42PM #3
Posts: 3,329

I am so sorry for your loss. I was told with my first pregnancy that it would never come to term no matter what I did the same day that the doctor confirmed that I was pregnant. He told me the longer I waited for Nature to take care of it, the less chance I had of ever getting pregnant again, much less bringing a baby to term. I will never know if it was a boy or girl, because I'd been passing some tissue when I went to the doctor. I'd been injured and had back x-rays and all sorts of medication before i knew about the pregnancy because I'd been under a week pregnant when I had a very bad fall that did physical damage I'm still dealing with 25 years later.

Later on my prayers were answered and I had a son; he's going out on his own in just a few weeks to get married and start his own life. My mother went through something similar to you, except my brother lived 5 days and died in her arms. It was years before anyone could put up a picture of him or even say his name; his grave didn't even have a marker until my father died and now it will cover all three of them.

Mother said that the only thing that gave her any comfort at the time was something the Dalai Lama had said about why some infants are stillborn or why some babies and children die so young. He said that their brief lives freed a soul who had departed too early, whether from suicide or murder, and needed to have those extra days made up before their souls were free to go on. The idea that his death might have freed a soul to go on to Heaven made it seem like maybe there was some purpose  in all the pain that she was going through. I was only 6 and only saw him 3 times because we were staying with one of my grandparents so there wouldn't be as much pressure on Mother.And they only lived 3 blocks from the hospital he was born in and it still wasn't fast enough. Having my brother almost killed her physically and losing him with him turning blue in her arms dealt a huge blow emotionally and spiritually. We'd never seen her cry and then she just couldn't stop.

My father's parents had been telling us to pray for a baby brother with our nighttime prayers. My father took us aside and told us that he'd almost lost Mother when she was giving birth and that he would never risk her again. She had a spinal fusion when I was 2 and got a surprise course in natural childbirth with her largest and most difficult birth 4 years later. So he told us that praying for another brother or sister stopped from then on. When I told Mother about that years ago, she was surprised he'd done that--she  knew that the prayers had stopped but wasn't able to deal with why at the time.

I know without question that what you are going through is so much worse than what I went through; I never made it to that first ultrasound and there wasn't anything left for me to hold.Sometimes I wish there had been because I'll never know. It was 27 below zero and everything happened too fast to have gone to the hospital. I do know that I couldn't have taken knowing what sex the baby would have been.

All I can say is how sorry that I am for you to have to go through all this pain. I tried to push it aside because I just couldn't handle it. Every time I turned on the tv it seemed filled with small children and I couldn't handle watching what I didn't have. I can understand if you feel the need to not talk about it with family; I kept my whole problems secret for months because I just couldn't handle dealing with  talking about it.

 All I can say is that the pain and emptiness you are feeling will not always be this razor sharp. I wouldn't be surprised if the times when you feel those baby hands again isn't your son trying to comfort you. He's in Heaven but that doesn't mean he didn't feel all the love you were directing towards him and will be. May God bless you and ease your pain. I hope that you have a child some day when you've healed. In the meantime, please accept my condolences and know that you and your husband will be in my prayers.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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