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Switch to Forum Live View What Gives Comfort in your Grief?
10 years ago  ::  Nov 07, 2008 - 9:21AM #1
mckaren
Posts: 23
It is week 3 since my partner of 33 yrs died of cancer and I'm trying to live through this.  I'm feeling fearful, lonely and sorrowful.  What brings you comfort?
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2008 - 6:58PM #2
bj-bucks
Posts: 31
Dear One,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  I, too, lost my husband from Cancer, it can be devestating.  First, you must grieve, allow your heart to open and acknowledge the pain of loss, there is no time limit one when grieving ends because they will always be in your heart.  When we do not allow this energy to follow its course, it builds up and manifests itself in other ways.

Talk to your partner, just like he is there, for his spirit is.  I see my husband more now than when we were married almost for they know everything you are going through.  My advice is not to make any huge decisions for a year if possible, you need to honor your healing process.

Write in a journal.  It releases so much emotion and thoughts that otherwise will be burdening you.  Look up to the sky and see that life is and will always go on, smile at the smallest miracles around you.  Nature.  It is okay to to be angry, but I found that laughter was also a healing grace.

Know that you have angels who are helping you through this process.  Talk with them, tell them what you need.  He is very close to you, I have had so many years of experience with this, know they are only in their spiritual bodies.

I pray that you have family to support your time of grief.  Give thanks to the time and wonderful relationship that you had, many people are not that lucky.  You will be in my prayers, God will guide you through this process for he is nothing but the totality of pure love.

Blessed Be,

B.J
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 11, 2008 - 10:07AM #3
mckaren
Posts: 23
Thank you for your wise and compassionate post, B.J. 

Yes, being grateful for the time we had and seeing the love that is still all around me is a helpful suggestion . . . plus, talking to my love.  I've been so wrapped up in the emptiness and loss that I haven't stopped to listen to her. 

God bless you B.J.,
Karen
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 12, 2008 - 3:37PM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,329
Dear Karen,
  I'm sorry for your loss.When I lost my paternal Grandpa (I was his pet) ;he gave me one final gift. I had just left the bathroom when I was hit with this wave of incredible love that was just absolutely his essence a good 10 minutes before I got the phone call telling me he had just died. I had been afraid of death before then--my first loss had been my father...but Grandpa let me know that love and who we are inside survives and I haven't been afraid to die since then.
I've been incredibly lucky to have my Grandma until this June--she was over 100 years old and had been in her own home until April.I had surgery last month and one night I felt her hand on my shoulder--when I realized what I was feeling, she squeezed my shoulder and left. It wasn't a dream--I was wide awake because there had just been a 3 AM fire drill. Great time to have a siren go off for nothing...but the adreneline rush made it hard to get back to sleep.
  I agree with B.J.--do talk to your loved one. I know that it is so raw right now that the things that bring comfort on one hand at least in my case make me cry. Don't buy into the "modern" corporate idea that you have 3 days off to grieve and then it should all be over with. It takes as long as it takes;  the love you feel for your partner is not only felt, but returned a thousandfold. I have been keeping all my notes and letters from Grandma for years; they both cheer me up and make me miss her as well,
Do what you can handle. I really agree with not making any major changes right now. If it hurts too much looking at the same walls, paint them a different color so that it isn't exactly the same house--that helped my Mother a great deal once we talked her into making my childhood home into her own home. My father hated all wall colors except pink and some shades of blue. I had redone my room after he died--it's still the peach color I painted it. The bathroom is green. Her bedroom and the living room are a soft eggshell white, and my husband wallpapered her kitchen for her. Since Daddy worked nights, she couldn't have had the light rooms she can let the sun in every day. I'll admit that we pushed her a bit on it, but she's never regretted doing it.
  I'm not suggesting you jump in to anything,You will find a lot of caring, sympathetic people here who will lend an ear, a shoulder, and prayers for you and for B.J.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 19, 2008 - 2:34PM #5
mckaren
Posts: 23
Thanks Karbie for your support and suggestions.  I've started meditating and I'm hoping to be more open to my partner's presence as she tries to comfort me in this pain.  I trust that she is with me.

Karen
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2008 - 4:52PM #6
Onn15ie
Posts: 6
and my best friend. I can't walk in your particular shoes, but I can empathize as to how devastating cancer can be. From the shock of learning about it, to the passing, it leaves one winded and lost. I am struggling to find my own peace and it is difficult. The only thing I can say to you is feel whatever you feel at any given moment and do not censor your feelings. There is no RIGHT way to do this. You may feel comforted one day by talking to her, you may feel irritation or rage the next day or minute, and you may find yourself in deep denial at others. I'm learning that these are all normal and expected no matter what anyone tells you about how you SHOULD be dealing with it. All of the steps (which are hardly in order) are important at the time. They each serve a purpose. I give my support to you at this difficult time. My peace and heart goes out to you. My partner and I are struggling with my loss and that complicates things. I hope you have others in your life who hold your hand through all your stages. Your partner will always be with you and you will see her again. At the worst of times, try to remember that when you meet again,it will seem as if no time has passed. She hears you always even when you may have doubts so keep talking to her. Tell her your fears and sorrow; ask her for help. You stood with her in pain; she will stand with you in yours. My love and sympathy for you. You are not alone.
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 24, 2008 - 9:26AM #7
mckaren
Posts: 23
Kissiah, thanks for your beautiful, wise words.  I am now into week 6 and am keeping a journal.  Sometimes this emotional roller coaster feels as though it will go on forever.

You wrote:  " Our minds tell us that we can't handle facing this new reality, this emptiness brought on by transition--change, but it's an illusion. We can handle it. We can stand still until the moment calls for us to move forward. Comfort is the present; it's the tears, the laughter, the loneliness, the journey forward...then back...then forward again until we exist there in freedom."

I must be fully present and not try to run away from the pain.  Thanks again Kissiah.

Karen
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2008 - 6:32PM #8
cowbelleru
Posts: 1
My 26 yr old Son was killed in a car accident 3 yrs ago and at times it is still hard. He left behind a wife and three small children, the oldest was 6 and the youngest was 10 months. One thing I learned was that I had to get out of my house everyday, even if it was just a walk around the block, otherwise I would isolate in my house for days or weeks. It helps to get some fresh air. Just do what you can. God Bless You.
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 27, 2008 - 12:55AM #9
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799
Dear BJBucks,Mckaren,Onn15ie,Kissiah,& Cowbelleru:
I'm so sorry to hear about your losses.
I lost my mom 34 years ago this past September.
I still cry about it sometime~The hurt never really goes away, but just dimminishes.
Yes, it gets better year by year~but something will come back to remind one of their loved one,
Find ways to comfort youself~do it with anything you like.
Try not to use food as "a comfort" that only makes things worse~then you have two problems to deal with,
Turn instead to something soothing, like massage, yoga,walking~ or writing on these boards.
I've found that writing on the Beliefnet boards is very cathartic~you can get out alot of anger and pain.
MarleneEmmett5
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