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Switch to Forum Live View Complicated Passing Away Mother and Girlfriends Father
10 years ago  ::  Nov 05, 2008 - 11:06PM #1
Posts: 1
Almost two years ago my Mother passed away at the age of 47 from breast cancer. She was diagnosed two days before I had to go to college 1000 miles away from home. She battled one of the most aggressive types of cancer with all the right treatment. It had no receptors so it limited our options. She had a mastectomy and the cancer was gone, only to show up again 8 months later in her bones. They said they could keep it in check, but it ended up growing and spreading to her liver and brain. Still optimistic, radiation and chemo were done again. It finally spread to her lungs. I came home early from college. Her birthday was on the day after Christmas, and the last chemo possible was thought to be working. The day after her birthday everything went downhill. They had told us if the chemo didn't work she had three months. She died on January 4th, only a month into her 3 months even with the chemo. She was an integral part of our community. She was someone who was a mentor to just about everyone she came across. She built a Dance studio from scratch starting with 50 kids in a church and then buying her own place with 750 kids, choreographing through chemo, she did 4 HS award winning plays and 4 Junior high plays. I was twenty at the time of her passing. I have three younger siblings. I grieved constantly at first, then had a long time not thinking about it, just getting on with life like she had told me to do, but now it is back in full force.

My girlfriend of a year just learned that her father has relapsed in his cancer this summer. He has been having problems since but they thought it was manageable. No one had ever survived his type of cancer and there had only been 5 cases in the last 20 years. It came back, and now they say it has spread. He is terminal. This only happened yesterday. As the bad news had been progressing my girlfriend had been debating being in a relationship with me even though she knows I love her and she loves me. I'm finishing up my last semester at college and will be home soon. I have told her that I am here whenever she needs me and if she doesn't want to talk then that's alright too. I know how it feels going through what she is. They can't even give a time estimation due to the rareness of the cancer. He is also the stereotypical community, nice loving family man.

I am catholic. Every time that I have prayed for something, and I do pray unselfishly, I have never had a sign, response or my prayer answered in any way even by medical intervention. All of this has brought back the feeling I have suppressed about by mother as well. It is incredibly hard. I am here for my girlfriend and am doing more listening than talking and putting her needs above my own. I feel every day a sinking feeling in my chest. There is nothing I can do. I have done everything that I should but I still feel helpless and lost. On top of this I have chronic pain in my back. I have eight screws, three rods, and 4 new disks in my back. I have constant pain that has not allowed me to do any of my hobbies or stress relievers, which were sports. I over analyze and think all day. That's just who I am. The chronic pain has given me almost an anxiety problem all of which I have been getting treated.

I just don't know what to do from here. I'm graduate in December, go home, work for a year and then go to medical school. These plans are well and good, but emotionally and mentally, I can barely get through the day.

I would really appreciate any suggestions on how I can approach or help my girlfriend in any way that I have not thought of. Since I have been through what she has I know a lot, but everyone is a different person. Also, if there is anyway that people know to enhance my coping skills it would be greatly appreciated. It feels like my life is falling down around me and I have no tools to build it back up. Please help. Thank you for your time.
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04AM #2
Posts: 48
so, honestly the only advice that has ever helped me is: Breathe.
Breathe deep and full, let it go slowly, send the pain with it.
All you can do is be there for her.
Breathe together.
That's all the advice that I can give you.
I've lost three people to suicide, 4 to cancer, 4 to alzheimers, three in a car crash, and one good friend, I had to watch perish in a plane crash.
I know what it's like to lose someone, and that's the only advice that helped me.
Live for them, laugh for them...breathe.
Love and warm wishes,
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