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Switch to Forum Live View One Month Anniversary of my mothers Death. HELP!!!
6 years ago  ::  Jul 08, 2008 - 3:18PM #11
itty
Posts: 2,949
Hailee I saw your posts here. When B'net lets me stay logged on for more than five minutes I will have a reply for you. I got smart and am doing it offline after losing it several times.  Hang in there, kiddo. (Hope you don't mind the kiddo. I do that and if its offensive I won't. I mean no harm, its just a life time habit to use perjoritives like kiddo, sweets and so forth.

Jo
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 08, 2008 - 9:48PM #12
itty
Posts: 2,949
[QUOTE]
itty:
Thank you so much for your reply it really helps a lot to hear other peoples point of view on this tough subject.  Because sometimes I feel so alone. (although I know I am not)  You mentioned talking to a counselor, I have thought about doing so, but sometimes I think that I am able to deal on my own. I guess time will tell. I agree when you say that time heals all is not the case. In my situation nothing seems to heal but I see where you are coming from time teaches us how to cope and accept what God has given us.
[/QUOTE]

You're welcome, Hailee. I am glad you are keeping the idea of counseling in mind. It can help particularly if you have no one else to turn to talk. Feeling alone is normal and a natural part of this process.  Each of us grieves in our own time and way. Some people can't talk to people they are close to. A good solution is a grief counseling group. These people are or have been where you are. They have lost loved ones and need to talk it out. Talking is one of the best things we can do, I think, to help ourselves come to grips with a terrible loss.
[QUOTE]
I describe how I have been feeling lately to some of my family members, I have this little person in me that is constantly reminding me of reality. I am going through the motions of life you know work, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of everyday life and then BAM!! this little person says to me "Hey don't forget your Mom is not here with you!" and then my physical being literally gets sick to my stomach and I sometimes say out loud "What?" It just does not make sense to me what is going on. This happens all day long everyday.
[/QUOTE]

Again this is a normal reaction. As I said,  people grieve in our own time and our own fashion. No one persons experience is going to be like an other's. It may take a long while for the passing of time to blunt your grief and give you the perspective you need. Just remember that talking to other people who are now or have been in your position helps. At times its in a forum like this. Other times it is in a live, face-to-face group.

One thing that can really be a problem in a very sudden and shocking accident like your mother had is blaming yourself. That can have some serious, far reaching consequences.

I did that when my dad was killed in a farm accident. He got caught in farm machinery while he was feeding cattle in March of  1980.

I blamed myself because that morning I didn’t go out to chore with him. I thought, for years that if I had been with him I could have prevented him from getting caught. I thought I could have extricated him. I was wrong. It was March and that’s calving season. I would have been walking the creeks, draws and fence lines looking for calves who were in trouble. I wouldn’t have been near him to help him.

I thought that I could have helped him get out and helped him get to the house. I was wrong. He got caught in an auger wagon, machinery that stirs silage. Both of his femoral arteries were severed. He bled to death in less than five minutes. Even if I had been right there I couldn’t have helped extricate him then stopped the bleeding in time to prevent the massive blood loss.

I thought that I could have at least been with him, hugged him and told him I loved him. That one really hurt me deeply. My mother helped me with that in an indirect way. I never told her how I felt.

She told me, a few years later that she was so thankful I wasn't there and wasn't the one to find him. If fact, she found him. She told me that it was very terrible. The accident was horrific. I asked her why and she told me that it would be an image that I would never get out of my mind. She was glad that I didn't have to carry that image. Somehow that gave me peace. I realized that I was not meant to be in that pasture that day. if I had been it would have left a terrible scar that I might not have been able to bear.

I carried that guilt for a very long time. It hurt me in many ways. So if you have any feelings of guilt about not being there, even think you may have some guilt or blame yourselfor perhaps you are blaming yourself  for any number of reasons concerning her accident then please, please RUN don’t walk to counseling.  If this is the case for your, as it was for me, then right now is the time to get through what you’re feeling and why.  If any of this hits home, even a little don't carry this burden alone and let it fester as I did. This is definitely something to seek counseling for and at once.

I do think the signs you are seeking will come in time. I am thinking you are looking for a personal sign from her. Perhaps right now she can’t do that. It may be that she is doing some work for herself that has priority and taking energy to go personally to you isn’t possible. I do think you may be seeing and hearing her when you think you are.  I am NOT saying you aren't important to her. Not at all. It could be that she has to do other work first.

Actually in many ways everything your are is from her. She brought you into this world, nurtured you, helped you grow. So in that sense you are quite right, I think

[QUOTE]
I almost feel like I have known you for a long time. The way you talk, you sound like you are a part of my family. That may sound odd, but really you write things that sound like my family. I did read a book that talks about remembering all of my mom like you said. Every part of her the good and the bad. I guess that is because we want to remember all parts so we don't paint a false sense of who she was?
[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the compliment Hailee. I am a farmer’s daughter. I try to use a bit of common sense and have empathy for people I meet. It sounds like your family is much the same.

I think painting a false sense of who, exactly, your mother was would not be fair to her. I also think that another reason for seeing all of her, not just the good and wonderful things, is a way of honoring her. I am certain she was a complex woman. I am certain she had many layers and facets to her personality. I am certain that this is combination gave her the character that you loved so very much.  That is the main reason to see all of her. All she did went into shaping her as the woman you knew and loved as your mother.

If you use what I said to you as a guide I will be very flattered in a very good way. I think you already have the tools to help better yourself. You got them from your mom. So that tells me you ARE living up to her legacy to you.  As you get older and share more of your mother  with other people you will be continue your connection. It will always be there just in a different form.

Your kindness is so appreciated and welcomed. I do lean on my mom.  She is and ever will be one of the major wellsprings of my strength.

Take care,
Jo
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 19, 2008 - 8:59PM #13
krazynklutzykatrina
Posts: 1
My name is Katrina and I am 16 years old. On May 5th 2007 I reached the worst day of my life too. My dad drowned also. And for me i still dont understand why. Its been over a year and I was really close to my father. He was a marine. A master sergeant in the marin corps actually and he was a very strong person in general. He went into the ocean to save two boys who were drowning. I followed him after he was out there for 10 minutes or so and brought them in not knowing that something was wrong with my dad at all. I just thought he was letting me bring the boys in because he didnt want all the glory and fame. But he did. Just not in the way I would have imagined. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. and my dad was my life. Everything I did I did for him. So in a way I guess you could say he was my best frined. I wanted to learn eveything about what he was doing. He was my hero and my role model in life. And it made it really hard on me because whenever I had problems in school I would turn to him for help because he just knew how to explain things right. It isnt the same hearing it from my mom. For you, the best thing you can do to help your dad is to let him know that you love him and that you care. Try and do what you can to help him out. Its the little things in life that keep you moving. And you aren't alone in these situations. They have programs out there set up for people like us to connect with others that have been through our situations to kind of be our mentor and guide us through our problems we may face. Just try and be there for your dad. And though it may not always seem like it, sometimes all you need to do is sit together and talk and cry and just let it out. I know it sounds stupid and all but it kinda does help. If you dont want to vent with your dad then go to your frineds or boyfriend or whoever you feel most comfortable with spilling your guts out to. As for the frieght train...it happens...a lot. The day everything happened to my dad I stayed up until 3 in the morning and went to school the next day still. I didnt/couldn't stay home and deal with my mom and family. I went to my first class and I thought I was all cried out. I told my frined jakki and before I could even finish my sentence I started sobbing pretty badly. sum other ppl in the class saw me and by the end of the day a rumor was out that I was crying because sum boyfriend dumped me and I wanted attention. I had some girl apologize to me for it because she found out why i was really crying and I was too mad to even care about her apology. But that was the only time I cried about it in school. So one teacher thought she would tell all of her classes about what happneed to me. But because I never cried or seemed sad in school another rumor was started that it must have been my stepdad or i didnt care about him just because I seemed so happy....shows what kind of people I had to deal with. but my dad taught me to always deal with whatever came at me as positively as I could because you never know someone else's situation....which is true....If you look at things in a negative way...you will miss all the little positive things that will keep you going. Its the little things in life that will make your day....it may not always seem like it....if you need to talk to me i will be here....just email me at krazynklutzykatrina@yahoo.com   I know its a really rough time and its not always helpful to talk to your frineds about it because they just dont understand it. just keep going. life will get better....i promise.....i know everyone says that...but I know first hand. It takes a long time. I am still not used to him being gone but i know that my life is better than it was a year ago. I have a little brother who was 7 at the time...and he didnt see my dad much because he was overseas or stationed somewhere else...and every once in a while he will ask my mom if we can go visit dad because thats what we would do....or he would surprise us and come home during the school year. But you just have to be as strong as you believe you need to be. Dont be afraid to lean on others. its not a bad thing to want support of others....well this is super long so im gonna go now....your mom will always be inyour memories and no one can take that from you. ever.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2008 - 12:24AM #14
LagunaMom
Posts: 12
First, I wanted to express my sincerest condolences on your loss.
My mother had a heart attack and drowned in the bathtub the month before my 11th birthday.  That was in 1961.  Forty-seven years later, there are times I still cry my heart out for her. 
Even though your family has had signs, don't think for a minute that you may never get one or may never sense the warmth of her presence around you.  Your sign may pop up many years later.
When I nearly died--35 years after she died--she came to me in a dream-- yelling at me-- telling me how lucky I was that I would be able to see my child grow up when she couldn't be around for my sister and me.  She was angry that I wasn't appreciative of that.  Obviously, I was shaken on a couple of counts. 
I also dreamed about her the night before my paternal grandmother (the one who'd raised me in her absence) passed away.  I was crying in Mom's arms, and that was 15 years after Mom died.
I hope that makes you feel better.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 09, 2008 - 11:44PM #15
Mintie_2008
Posts: 260
Hello Dragonflies,
I'm 28 and I lost my mom on October 23rd at 9:53, she died of brain cancer at only 53...she was also my best friend and like you we told each other everything. Unlike you, I had time to prepare her and myself for passing. I gave her permission to let go, I was able to say my goodbyes. I hurts like nothing I've ever experience before and I mean emotional AND physical pain. My husband helped me and my family in the short time she was sick and it has affected him a lot...and he doesn't talk about it. After the Holidays we're going to couple grief counselling because we need to work through this as a couple, but give each other space at the same time, I suggest you do the same...it might do the both of you some good.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 06, 2009 - 5:44PM #16
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,717
[QUOTE=Dragonfliesforever;596675]My name is Hailee and I am 22 years old.  May 30, 2008 @ 4:16 was the worst day of my life. I lost not only the most beautiful mother, but my best friend in this world.  I told her everything, even things she did not want to know!  We were there for each other like you cannot believe. 

She was staying at mine and my boyfriends home, when she accidentally drowned.  Who knows what the hell happened. I am so lost, so empty, so scared. One day I don't cry or anything, and the next I am a mess. Is there a frieght train of emotion heading my way fast?  How do I comfort my dad? How come all my family has all these signs of her but not me? I search and search for anything from her. Any kind of insight would greatly help.
Thank you
Hailee[/QUOTE]
Dragonfliesforever/Hailee:
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom passing.
I know where you are right now~as I was in your shoes 34 years ago when I lost my mother to a inopberable
brain tumor when I was only 19.
One day she was fine and the next she had a bad stroke and 2 months later she was diagnosed with the
same kind of tumor that is now a part of Senator Ted Kennedy's life~only differance is that he was able to
be operated on and seems to be doing well.
My mom on the other hand died from hers on September 29,1974~right before the Jewish High Holiday's.
And this past year the Anniversary was on that very date: and it was also the beginning of Rosh Hashanah!!

You ask what you can do for your dad?
Be there for him. Don't let him do what my late father did to me when he lost my mom:
He "pushed me away~both emotionally and physchially." It was a very very lonely time for me.
I had no one~ I was an only child. I had no one to really turn to for comfort.
You have your boyfriend.
I wasn't married when she passed.

You want to know if it will get better:
It will with time and love from your boyfriend.
How long will it take??
To tell you the truth~ I don't know, but the deep hurt will subside over the years.
Stay strong, come back to these boards if you need to talk.
Talking out your feelings here is/can be very carthitic.
MarleneEmmett5
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 06, 2009 - 5:50PM #17
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,717
[QUOTE=Mintie_2008;946415]Hello Dragonflies,
I'm 28 and I lost my mom on October 23rd at 9:53, she died of brain cancer at only 53...she was also my best friend and like you we told each other everything. Unlike you, I had time to prepare her and myself for passing. I gave her permission to let go, I was able to say my goodbyes. I hurts like nothing I've ever experience before and I mean emotional AND physical pain. My husband helped me and my family in the short time she was sick and it has affected him a lot...and he doesn't talk about it. After the Holidays we're going to couple grief counselling because we need to work through this as a couple, but give each other space at the same time, I suggest you do the same...it might do the both of you some good.[/QUOTE]
Mintie_2008:
I had just posted a post to Dragonflies when I read your post.
I'm so very sorry to have read about your MOM.
I'm glad that your family is there to help you thru the difficult times ahead.
As I told Dragonflies, please come back to these boards to unload your pain.
It helps to know that you have friends.
And to talk to people who have gone through what you've gone through:
If you think about it being born and dying are two of the things we all share,
but there are some experiences that we can relate to in our lives.
Losing a parent,spouse,child is another.
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6 years ago  ::  May 27, 2009 - 4:53AM #18
Boston
Posts: 55

I understood what going on you. You lost your mother and your best friend and its very hard to forgot that is happend to you. but this is life you have to move up because life is celebration. so enjoy your life.


----


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5 years ago  ::  Apr 24, 2010 - 6:45AM #19
Fedric
Posts: 1

I'm so sorry. Don't feel sad.God will save you & your family. Everything will be alright.


Take Care


 


Doctor

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