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Switch to Forum Live View One Month Anniversary of my mothers Death. HELP!!!
6 years ago  ::  Jun 30, 2008 - 4:43PM #1
Dragonfliesforever
Posts: 5
My name is Hailee and I am 22 years old.  May 30, 2008 @ 4:16 was the worst day of my life. I lost not only the most beautiful mother, but my best friend in this world.  I told her everything, even things she did not want to know!  We were there for each other like you cannot believe. 

She was staying at mine and my boyfriends home, when she accidentally drowned.  Who knows what the hell happened. I am so lost, so empty, so scared. One day I don't cry or anything, and the next I am a mess. Is there a frieght train of emotion heading my way fast?  How do I comfort my dad? How come all my family has all these signs of her but not me? I search and search for anything from her. Any kind of insight would greatly help.
Thank you
Hailee
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2008 - 5:06AM #2
NothingButLove
Posts: 715

Dragonfliesforever wrote:

How do I comfort my dad? How come all my family has all these signs of her but not me? I search and search for anything from her. Any kind of insight would greatly help.
Thank you
Hailee



Dear   Hailee,

It's a very tough time, especially since you are very young to have lost your mom. Why don't you see signs? There could be a few reasons. Maybe you are so overwrought that your emotions are hiding everything. Emotions, such as fear, and I guess loss too, can hide pretty much all that celestials may try to do for us. The other option is that maybe you are genetically less able to receive signs? I suspect that you will get something, but it may only be when the initial pain has receded somewhat. That's not much help now, I agree. I generally suggest asking for the one who has passed to appear in a dream.

Take care. She's not gone forever.

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6 years ago  ::  Jul 02, 2008 - 9:53AM #3
Dragonfliesforever
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=NothingButLove;597643]Dear   Hailee,

It's a very tough time, especially since you are very young to have lost your mom. Why don't you see signs? There could be a few reasons. Maybe you are so overwrought that your emotions are hiding everything. Emotions, such as fear, and I guess loss too, can hide pretty much all that celestials may try to do for us. The other option is that maybe you are genetically less able to receive signs? I suspect that you will get something, but it may only be when the initial pain has receded somewhat. That's not much help now, I agree. I generally suggest asking for the one who has passed to appear in a dream.



Thanks for your reply NothingButLove, ya I agree I just think that my spiritual mind and also physical being will not fully let me feel the whole impact of what really happened. It is almost like I have this little guy inside me that constantly reminds me that my mom is not here with me, and my inner self screams "WHAT?" it just dosen't make sense to me.

The portion where you mentioned that I may be genetically less able to recieve signs, is not the case.  My name dragonfliesforever is a huge sign that my family believes in very stongly.  Dragonflies symbolize all of our loved ones past.  I just hope that someday I will be able to connect with my mom fully and know that she is in peace.  Thanks for your help.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 03, 2008 - 8:42PM #4
itty
Posts: 2,949
[QUOTE=Dragonfliesforever;600015][QUOTE=NothingButLove;597643]
Thanks for your reply NothingButLove, ya I agree I just think that my spiritual mind and also physical being will not fully let me feel the whole impact of what really happened. It is almost like I have this little guy inside me that constantly reminds me that my mom is not here with me, and my inner self screams "WHAT?" it just doesn't make sense to me.

The portion where you mentioned that I may be genetically less able to receive signs, is not the case.  My name dragonfliesforever is a huge sign that my family believes in very strongly.  Dragonflies symbolize all of our loved ones past.  I just hope that someday I will be able to connect with my mom fully and know that she is in peace.  Thanks for your help.[/QUOTE]

First let me extend my deepest sympathy over the loss of your mother. I can empathize- I lost my mother in 1992 to cancer. It was expected but still shocking.

Your reaction isn't abnormal. Instead I thinks its quite normal. I would guess that your mind is shielding you at this point in order for you to get  some time to fully assimilate her passing. You were very close to her and that's likely going to take time to reach a point where you can really come face to face with your loss and be able to grieve. There isn't a set time period for that. If you think you are going too long then I suggest seeking counseling, specifically grief counseling. No shame in that, Hallie, it helps.

I will tell you what I learned from losing my parents. The adage that time heals all wounds isn't accurate. Instead time gives us perspective and blunts the grief. It gives us time to come to grips with our loss and grieve. It will get easier but the sense of loss never goes completely away. My dad passed over 28 years ago and my mom has been gone for nearly 16 years. I miss them still and at times I still get those intense pangs of grief that I had almost constantly when they died. I have had enough time to have learned to appreciate those bittersweet longings and then let them go. In time you will too.

You are hoping for a sign. I understand you want reassurance that she is okay. Give that time. It sounds like you are going to do that. That sign of yours will come to you. It might come in a dream, it may come when you see a dragonfly. It may come some other way. You'll know it when it happens.

In the meantime look in the mirror. You are going see her there. Understand that she is part of you. She is part of your family in the bonds that you have created with them. remember her- ALL of her. Don't fall into the trap of putting her on a pedestal. Give her the honor of remember ing her as the whole person she was.

Think about the things she has given to you. I mean the gifts she gave to you in an emotional, intangible way. It is going to be a very rich legacy! You'll find that in the phrases of hers that have become yours, in the gestures of hers that are yours, in way you understand your world and your place in it. When I was a young woman people told me I was just like my mother. At that point I would cringe. Today when people tell me the same thing I feel so strong and so proud. I can't  think of anyone I would rather be like.

My mother bequeathed me a legacy of courage. In her final year she taught me the true meaning of that word. She taught me grace, dignity and poise as she faced her death. That legacy has stood me in good stead and now has come home to me very forcibly. I am battling a terminal cancer. I look to her, her example and find strength to continue to go on.  My mom taught me how by living example.

I hope you never find yourself in my position. What I do hope is that you find those qualities that made her so special to you and that you lean on them. If you can, now might be a good time to start.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 05, 2008 - 9:48PM #5
karbie
Posts: 3,301
[QUOTE=itty;603561][QUOTE=Dragonfliesforever;600015]

First let me extend my deepest sympathy over the loss of your mother. I can empathize- I lost my mother in 1992 to cancer. It was expected but still shocking.

Your reaction isn't abnormal. Instead I thinks its quite normal. I would guess that your mind is shielding you at this point in order for you to get  some time to fully assimilate her passing. You were very close to her and that's likely going to take time to reach a point where you can really come face to face with your loss and be able to grieve. There isn't a set time period for that. If you think you are going too long then I suggest seeking counseling, specifically grief counseling. No shame in that, Hallie, it helps.

I will tell you what I learned from losing my parents. The adage that time heals all wounds isn't accurate. Instead time gives us perspective and blunts the grief. It gives us time to come to grips with our loss and grieve. It will get easier but the sense of loss never goes completely away. My dad passed over 28 years ago and my mom has been gone for nearly 16 years. I miss them still and at times I still get those intense pangs of grief that I had almost constantly when they died. I have had enough time to have learned to appreciate those bittersweet longings and then let them go. In time you will too.

You are hoping for a sign. I understand you want reassurance that she is okay. Give that time. It sounds like you are going to do that. That sign of yours will come to you. It might come in a dream, it may come when you see a dragonfly. It may come some other way. You'll know it when it happens.

In the meantime look in the mirror. You are going see her there. Understand that she is part of you. She is part of your family in the bonds that you have created with them. remember her- ALL of her. Don't fall into the trap of putting her on a pedestal. Give her the honor of remember ing her as the whole person she was.

Think about the things she has given to you. I mean the gifts she gave to you in an emotional, intangible way. It is going to be a very rich legacy! You'll find that in the phrases of hers that have become yours, in the gestures of hers that are yours, in way you understand your world and your place in it. When I was a young woman people told me I was just like my mother. At that point I would cringe. Today when people tell me the same thing I feel so strong and so proud. I can't  think of anyone I would rather be like.

My mother bequeathed me a legacy of courage. In her final year she taught me the true meaning of that word. She taught me grace, dignity and poise as she faced her death. That legacy has stood me in good stead and now has come home to me very forcibly. I am battling a terminal cancer. I look to her, her example and find strength to continue to go on.  My mom taught me how by living example.

I hope you never find yourself in my position. What I do hope is that you find those qualities that made her so special to you and that you lean on them. If you can, now might be a good time to start.[/QUOTE]

Dear Dragonflies,
  I can understand how raw your emotions are right now--my beloved Grandma died almost a month ago, and I had just come back from calling family members to say it was going to happen that day--and it did. She breathed out--but not back in,,,and when I asked my mother if she was still breathing--the heartbreak in her voice calling her name seared my soul. She laid her head on her chest, but there was no heartbeat. She had been very emphatic about not trying to revive her--she was over 100 and in constant pain. I stayed a few nights in her house while it still was the way it used to be...but didn't cry there as much as I expected. Did I get any signs from her? In a way,
  I am NOT a morning person by any means if I could help it--but every morning--regardless of when I had gone to sleep--I HAD to get up, make the bed, and do a few other tasks before I had breakfast. That could be an imprint, I suppose--but it wasn't. She was a very organized person.
  I felt a "click" in my mind when I found a new doctor that other family members will be going to. Along with the click, I knew that she was happy about it.
   Many years ago I lost a dear friend. She came to my sister-in-law in dreams to tell her that she was just dead--she wasn't gone. The eternal spirit that was housed in your mother's body isn't dead--and she loves you now even more than she did while she was here. Right now your grief is too strong and too raw to get signs yourself--but the fact that other people ARE having signs is probably your mother's way of letting you know that she is safe, happy, and will never stop loving you. That's the important part right now, isn't it?
   Your grief will hit you strongly at times, then you turn back into the walking wounded. You don't have to conquer your grief by anyone's time-table; grieving will go on for a long time...but if and when you have children, you'll find yourself telling stories so that she will be a real person to them. I've had to do that about a lot of family members who have gone ahead for mine.  Just be as nice to yourself as you possibly can--don't forget to eat, try to rest, etc.

Nothing but love,
I'm sorry to hear about your cancer--and the fact that you are spending your time trying to help others is a sign of how centered you are as a human being. Your mother would be/is proud of you for reaching out to others. I was blessed to have my grandmother as late in life as I am. All of us are still taking the whole situation one hour at a time...we aren't quite up to one day at a time yet.There was one afternoon when we let some of the tears come, but the wound is too deep right now. I'm grieving for myself, for my mother--and for my loss.  Grandma's legs were the most hideous shade of purple I've ever seen--a shade I never want to see again. I remind myself of that because it reminds me that she is all free from that now.

Hand in there, both of you!
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 06, 2008 - 8:47AM #6
itty
Posts: 2,949
Karbie I think you may be referring to me. Thank you. My mom was a pretty special woman. She was born just before the depression. She went on to graduate from high school in a time when many women dropped out. She did that by finding a position as a housekeeper to a couple in exchange for board, room and books. She was the first woman, and indeed the first person to attend college. She got a teaching certificate and taught school in a one room school house. She was an adventurer. She worked in D.C. in a civil service post in the '40's. She went, on her own, to the Texas gulf coast and lived for a couple of years. When she married my dad the adventures continued. I have so many stories of her to share with my nieces and nephews.

I am blessed with a wonderful, caring support group. In consists of my friends, family and about a million, or so it seems to me, truck drivers. They are a beautiful, motley rag-tag group that criss-corsses this nation. It is such fun to get those emails, postcards and phone calls from such diverse places as Los Angles and Buck Snort, Tennessee.

One comfort I found in my mother's passing is knowing she was no longer in pain.

Take care. May you have a blessed day.

itty/Jo
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 07, 2008 - 10:36AM #7
Dragonfliesforever
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=itty;603561][QUOTE=Dragonfliesforever;600015]

First let me extend my deepest sympathy over the loss of your mother. I can empathize- I lost my mother in 1992 to cancer. It was expected but still shocking.

Your reaction isn't abnormal. Instead I thinks its quite normal. I would guess that your mind is shielding you at this point in order for you to get  some time to fully assimilate her passing. You were very close to her and that's likely going to take time to reach a point where you can really come face to face with your loss and be able to grieve. There isn't a set time period for that. If you think you are going too long then I suggest seeking counseling, specifically grief counseling. No shame in that, Hallie, it helps.

I will tell you what I learned from losing my parents. The adage that time heals all wounds isn't accurate. Instead time gives us perspective and blunts the grief. It gives us time to come to grips with our loss and grieve. It will get easier but the sense of loss never goes completely away. My dad passed over 28 years ago and my mom has been gone for nearly 16 years. I miss them still and at times I still get those intense pangs of grief that I had almost constantly when they died. I have had enough time to have learned to appreciate those bittersweet longings and then let them go. In time you will too.

You are hoping for a sign. I understand you want reassurance that she is okay. Give that time. It sounds like you are going to do that. That sign of yours will come to you. It might come in a dream, it may come when you see a dragonfly. It may come some other way. You'll know it when it happens.

In the meantime look in the mirror. You are going see her there. Understand that she is part of you. She is part of your family in the bonds that you have created with them. remember her- ALL of her. Don't fall into the trap of putting her on a pedestal. Give her the honor of remember ing her as the whole person she was.

Think about the things she has given to you. I mean the gifts she gave to you in an emotional, intangible way. It is going to be a very rich legacy! You'll find that in the phrases of hers that have become yours, in the gestures of hers that are yours, in way you understand your world and your place in it. When I was a young woman people told me I was just like my mother. At that point I would cringe. Today when people tell me the same thing I feel so strong and so proud. I can't  think of anyone I would rather be like.

My mother bequeathed me a legacy of courage. In her final year she taught me the true meaning of that word. She taught me grace, dignity and poise as she faced her death. That legacy has stood me in good stead and now has come home to me very forcibly. I am battling a terminal cancer. I look to her, her example and find strength to continue to go on.  My mom taught me how by living example.

I hope you never find yourself in my position. What I do hope is that you find those qualities that made her so special to you and that you lean on them. If you can, now might be a good time to start.[/QUOTE]


itty:
Thank you so much for your reply it really helps alot to hear other peoples point of view on this tough subject.  Because sometimes I feel so alone. (although I know I am not)  You mentioned talking to a counselor, I have thought about doing so, but sometimes I think that I am able to deal on my own. I guess time will tell. I agree when you say that time heals all is not the case. In my situation nothing seems to heal but I see where you are coming from time teaches us how to cope and accept what God has given us.

I descibe how I have been feeling lately to some of my family members, I have this little person in me that is constantly reminding me of reality. I am going through the motions of life you know work, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of everyday life and then BAM!! this little person says to me "Hey don't forget your Mom is not here with you!" and then my physical being literally gets sick to my stomach and I sometimes say out loud "What?" It just does not make sense to me what is going on. This happens all day long everyday.

As for the signs, I sure hope it comes in time, I find myself searching and searching for anything. If the wind blows hard I think it is her, if I see a butterfly I think it is her. Sometimes I feel stupid because I feel like everything that happens in my everday life is her. I just hope she is free of all her deamons and pain.

I almost feel like I have known you for a long time. The way you talk, you sound like you are a part of my family. That may sound odd, but really you write things that sound like my family.  I did read a book that talks about remembering all of my mom like you said.  Every part of her the good and the bad. I guess that is because we want to remember all parts so we don't paint a false sense of who she was? The part where you talk about things that your mother did that made you cringe.  I find myself doing all those things too! It is funny the way things work out. I really appreciate all your kind words, I will really take everything you said and try to help better me. Especially how you said to live her legacy sort of speak, because my Mom was the most talented and beautiful woman I have ever known and will ever know. I hope I can be half the mother some day to my kids as she was to my Brother and I. 

I am so sorry to here about your battle with cancer also. You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Look to your mother for courage and strength, she will guide you throughout your journey and make sure you are in good hands.  God Bless you.

Hailee
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 07, 2008 - 10:40AM #8
spiritalk
Posts: 1,165
Grieving a process and we follow each step when we are ready.  Stop looking so hard for validation.  Every day will bring you new peace.  Accept it as you struggle with this process of loss.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 08, 2008 - 9:35AM #9
ang569
Posts: 19
I am terribly sorry about the loss of your Mother.  My Mother died on February 12, 2008 at 9:30 A.M.  That was the worst day of my life.  She was my best friend also and I helped her for years battle her cancer until finally it took her away from me.  5 months ago today and it feels like 20 years.  I know exactly what you mean about going through the motions, then it hits you hard in the gut that she is not here anymore and it is sickening.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I would like to say it gets better, but it honestly does not.  I think you just learn to cope a bit better.  If you need anyone to chat with, pm me and i can give you my yahoo id.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 08, 2008 - 10:49AM #10
Dragonfliesforever
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=karbie;606766][QUOTE=itty;603561]

Dear Dragonflies,
  I can understand how raw your emotions are right now--my beloved Grandma died almost a month ago, and I had just come back from calling family members to say it was going to happen that day--and it did. She breathed out--but not back in,,,and when I asked my mother if she was still breathing--the heartbreak in her voice calling her name seared my soul. She laid her head on her chest, but there was no heartbeat. She had been very emphatic about not trying to revive her--she was over 100 and in constant pain. I stayed a few nights in her house while it still was the way it used to be...but didn't cry there as much as I expected. Did I get any signs from her? In a way,
  I am NOT a morning person by any means if I could help it--but every morning--regardless of when I had gone to sleep--I HAD to get up, make the bed, and do a few other tasks before I had breakfast. That could be an imprint, I suppose--but it wasn't. She was a very organized person.
  I felt a "click" in my mind when I found a new doctor that other family members will be going to. Along with the click, I knew that she was happy about it.
   Many years ago I lost a dear friend. She came to my sister-in-law in dreams to tell her that she was just dead--she wasn't gone. The eternal spirit that was housed in your mother's body isn't dead--and she loves you now even more than she did while she was here. Right now your grief is too strong and too raw to get signs yourself--but the fact that other people ARE having signs is probably your mother's way of letting you know that she is safe, happy, and will never stop loving you. That's the important part right now, isn't it?
   Your grief will hit you strongly at times, then you turn back into the walking wounded. You don't have to conquer your grief by anyone's time-table; grieving will go on for a long time...but if and when you have children, you'll find yourself telling stories so that she will be a real person to them. I've had to do that about a lot of family members who have gone ahead for mine.  Just be as nice to yourself as you possibly can--don't forget to eat, try to rest, etc.

Nothing but love,
I'm sorry to hear about your cancer--and the fact that you are spending your time trying to help others is a sign of how centered you are as a human being. Your mother would be/is proud of you for reaching out to others. I was blessed to have my grandmother as late in life as I am. All of us are still taking the whole situation one hour at a time...we aren't quite up to one day at a time yet.There was one afternoon when we let some of the tears come, but the wound is too deep right now. I'm grieving for myself, for my mother--and for my loss.  Grandma's legs were the most hideous shade of purple I've ever seen--a shade I never want to see again. I remind myself of that because it reminds me that she is all free from that now.

Hand in there, both of you![/QUOTE]

karbie:

I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Cancer is a horrible disease, my grandmother also died from breast cancer about 8-9 years ago.  It is hard to think about life without her. You know children, marriage, everything that life brings, that is really hard to fatham. I agree when you say that there is no time-line for grieving. I just hate the way I feel.  I don't think I have cryed for about 6 days, and I know that it is not right, but I almost feel guilty about not crying and when I laugh and find myself having fun.  I know that it is ok and that my Mom would want me to do these things.

I have a hard time talking to my boyfriend about it. He found her in our home and did CPR on her for 20 min before the EMS came.  I know that know one knows what to say to make things better but for some reason he always says things to make things worse. I also try to let him know that he can talk to me about how he is feeling but he just says that everything is done and over with and we can't change anything, so that makes things alot harder for me because I like to talk about her.  I guess everything will come with time.  Thank you for all your support.  If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to ask. 

God Bless.
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