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10 years ago  ::  Jun 18, 2008 - 8:37AM #1
bob185
Posts: 125
In a fairly short period i lost my father, mother, my sister had 3 brain tumors in 4 years but survived, lost my best friend from college at age 42.. The hurt was so overwhelming I pushed it down and kept moving forward. Never really grieved. I started to drink to medicate and my drinking became alcoholic. My wife divorced me after 20 years because of this and I am in a state of shock - emotions ranging from sorrow, depression, anger, despair. If there are words of hope out there would appreciate it.
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10 years ago  ::  Jun 20, 2008 - 1:21AM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,329
[QUOTE=bob185;570407]In a fairly short period i lost my father, mother, my sister had 3 brain tumors in 4 years but survived, lost my best friend from college at age 42.. The hurt was so overwhelming I pushed it down and kept moving forward. Never really grieved. I started to drink to medicate and my drinking became alcoholic. My wife divorced me after 20 years because of this and I am in a state of shock - emotions ranging from sorrow, depression, anger, despair. If there are words of hope out there would appreciate it.[/QUOTE]

Dear bob, ,
I can understand why you felt the only way to survive so many losses so close together was to push them as far down as possible and then literally "drown" them with alcohol...but sooner or later we have to deal with the grief and pain. I can sometimes handle the physical part better than knowing I'll never get to see them again during my life-time. I DO have the advantage of normally living 360 miles away from my family, so at least I'm used to being separated from them.
  Realizing that you have become an alcoholic is a major step; in addition to helping you deal with your addiction, they also have a bunch of other classes to help each other deal with the life events that can trigger the overwhelming urge to  take a drink. I'm not an alcoholic, but my brother-in-law is a recovered alcoholic.
  Right now I've been trying NOT to deal with my beloved Grandma's death. If Mother hadn't called me to move my trip so I'd get here earlier, I would have lost the few days she was really GRANDMA...just the fact that she could squeeze my hand, my sister's and Mother's before she died to acknowledge us telling her how much we loved her, had always loved her..I have no idea where I would be emotionally without that but it wouldn't be good. As it is, I had told my husband that I was going to need to be here with my Mother and sister for awhile or I wouldn't be right and God Bless him, he's agreed. He was still trying up to 5AM the day of her funeral to drive the 6 hours straight through!
  Grandma was 100. She was the one we were supposed to be on our best behavior for when we spent the night. With my other grandparents, the rule for the ice cream sundaes we made to watch the Lawrence Welk show could only have half a bottle of maraschino cherries on them. Mother claims were were on sugar highs that lasted for days!!        My love for Grandma had become even more important--if that was possible--after my other Grandma cut me dead twice--that last time was when I was calling her from the hospital after I had surgery. "I'm glad you came out well. Now I never want to hear from you again as long as I live."click." So when she died i had never dared reconnect my feelings for her because I knew I couldn't survive her doing that to me again.She'd told me she only loved my older sister, not me for the first time when I was around 4. Everyone made such a big deal out of my being Grandpa's "pet"...but it was only because Grandma insisted on splitting us up--she had Kathy and she didn't want me. It was so confusing--but the Grandma who just died never, ever did anything like that to me.
  I have ben telling her for years just how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Hearing her pray to die to end her torment was horrible. Her legs were the most horrible shade of purple you can imagine...her normal dress size was 8 and the dress we buried her in was a size 18 that I suggested.
  Mother and I have been trying to find any/all business details to deal with--Mother is the executrix, and I'm doing the thank you notes to take that job off Mother. Neither of us have allowed ourselves to really let go and cry because we are sure of getting a major migraine if we do...it looks like we can't bottle this one up any more.
    I'm sorry that you lost so many people whom you loved in such a brief period of time. If this gives you any hope on at least their help....when my one Grandpa died, he gave me one last gift--a biggie. I was terrified of death when my father died--I had just turned 19 and he died 2 weeks past his 47th birthday. One afternoon I was hit with this incredible wave of love that surrounded me and was absolutly GRANDPA. I got the call 10 minutes later telling me that he had died. He showed me that loves survives and who we are survives...and I haven't been afraid of dying since then. And when a dear friend died suddenly a few years ago--I had gotten an e-mail from her that afternoon...many of those who loved her have had little things happen. My sister-in-law had 2 dreams where she could see her, hug her--and the message each time was "I'm just dead. I'm not gone." I had an anniversary card from her fall on the floor from my cookbook shelves 2 days before our anniversary.
  So I'm sure that you will be with your family again some day--believe me, that's been a HUGE help to me knowing that. Unlike any other time in my life, we were allowed to have Grandma stay in the room with us for a few hours...and that also helped us get used to the reality of it. My uncle had to drive for over 3 hours because the roads were all flooded but he wanted to be there for MOther--we met at Grandma's house then
                                          Your wife must have loved you very much to stay as long as she did--I know that my brother-in-law could say some really horrible things and not remember any of them the next day. She probably finally needed to leave for her own survival. I don't know if joining AA will make any difference to her--but it can do amazing things for people who are willing to really follow it. It saved my sister's marriage and his relationships with their children...and he discovered that our family really did love and accept him;
  i don't know if any of this gives you any hope or not, but I could see that you were reaching out to see if anyone reached back. But rambling as this was, you just helped ME. Thank you for being there.
Karen
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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10 years ago  ::  Jun 21, 2008 - 4:27PM #3
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
[QUOTE=bob185;570407]In a fairly short period i lost my father, mother, my sister had 3 brain tumors in 4 years but survived, lost my best friend from college at age 42.. The hurt was so overwhelming I pushed it down and kept moving forward. Never really grieved. I started to drink to medicate and my drinking became alcoholic. My wife divorced me after 20 years because of this and I am in a state of shock - emotions ranging from sorrow, depression, anger, despair. If there are words of hope out there would appreciate it.[/QUOTE]

In a span of three years beginning in 1999, I lost my beloved husband of thirteen years, to Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. The night before the morning that he died, by my side...the last words we ever said to each other, were "I love you". He was ill for a long time. Then in 2001 I lost my father, after many, multiple disabling strokes. He finally after being bedridden for over a year, sucumbed to  pneumonia.  In 2002 my mother was murdered. To make this worse, my sister who was ill then, and even more now...was convicted and incarcerated for it. It has all broken my heart. I continue to survive, on faith and a strong trust in GOD. Otherwise I don't know where I'd be, considering my own health is on the decline. I am now 70 years old, spent up until my mother died, at least 15 years caregiving someone, included the ones passed on. AND I can say, my life had plenty of downs before all this. I try to keep in mind...the proverb..."To change those things that I can, accept the things I cannot, and the Wisdom to know the difference".  I wish you well, and hope your life gets some sunshine for you. We all need some in our life.  Sounds like for now...you have had more than your share of "rain". Take care.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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10 years ago  ::  Jun 23, 2008 - 2:43AM #4
Gryphon411
Posts: 14
Bob, how are doing? I lost my husband unexpectedly almost two years ago, and a few years prior to that, my infant son. A dear friend committed suicide last fall and my mom's in the hospital suffering mightily. I find it very hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I do because of my two small kids.

Your instinct to find hope out there in this world is spot on! Without hope, we just can't live. You have to get some back. I don't know you or what you need, but I offer these suggestions as possibilities...if they're not right, maybe they will lead you to other actions more appropriate for you...

1. Get some treatment for you addiction. You are not alone, and don't have to face your alcohol problem alone. Get help.

2. See a counselor. Talk to several; go with the one who seems to have some concrete suggestions for you once in awhile (not just one who nods sympathetically, but one who asks you some hard questions or who can point you to some practical resources.

3. Reach out to your family and friends. You are not alone. Ask for some help.

4. Make plans. When I am at my darkest place, sometimes just organizing an outing, a night out with friends, a short trip some place (the ocean, the mountains, etc.) gives me a reason to keep going.

You have a long, hard journey ahead. But you can beat your addiction and meet some wonderful people in  the process. I've  fortunately never struggled with a drug addiction (too much time on the Internet, yes, but not a chemical dependency), but a couple of my very best friends have gone through AA and I find them to be among the very best people I have ever known. I find myself constantly seeking them out for advice, to talk without judgment, to bask in their calmness and their wonderful sense of balance in life.

You have been through a lot; be kind to yourself, take the time you need, and right away, right away, get some help. Best, Ellen
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10 years ago  ::  Jun 23, 2008 - 7:51AM #5
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799
[QUOTE=bob185;570407]In a fairly short period i lost my father, mother, my sister had 3 brain tumors in 4 years but survived, lost my best friend from college at age 42.. The hurt was so overwhelming I pushed it down and kept moving forward. Never really grieved. I started to drink to medicate and my drinking became alcoholic. My wife divorced me after 20 years because of this and I am in a state of shock - emotions ranging from sorrow, depression, anger, despair. If there are words of hope out there would appreciate it.[/QUOTE]
Bob185:
I can sympthise with you~ My troubles began in 2004,first my aunt passed at the age of 93 ~I told my aunt in
Flordia "mark my words, Louie's going to go in either 6 weeks,6 months or a year".
My uncle passed away 6 weeks later~to the day! They were married 65 years!!
Then my husband and I lost our 21 year old "Cat/daughter" who passed in 4 days.
The next we lost my husband's aunt, I then fell and hurt my right knee really bad~so bad in fact I'm still hurting!
In 2006 we got a *small break* ~ Our neighbor passed,he was 88 and a Holocaust Suvivor,and a really
special person!
My father's younger brother died in 2007 after battling both Alzheimer's,Congestive Heart Failure,Diabetes.
My dad's step mother passed away in June '07 at the age of 93~ she lived a long life.

Things are hopefully looking up for our family~ I hope the same goes for you.
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10 years ago  ::  Jul 20, 2008 - 7:42PM #6
bob185
Posts: 125
MarleneEmmett5 - Thank you for taking time to respond to my post - i wish you well - bob
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10 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2008 - 6:31AM #7
bob185
Posts: 125
Gryphon - Thanks for your words of hope - bob
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10 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2008 - 6:31AM #8
bob185
Posts: 125
Gryphon - Thanks for your words of hope - bob
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10 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 3:39AM #9
hopeforus
Posts: 85
I was about 43 when my Dad died. He was a Chemistry Prof, and evertything I wanted to be... smart, respected, and just a good man. Unfortunately he was also a alcoholic, and it killed him. He was only 57, and I had distanced myself from him for about 2 years. I remember when I tried to make it up to ..."us", and was going to take him fishing in my boat, just him and me, like he used to take me. It was a thursday, and he had a massive heart attack that Friday. I am a Critical Care nurse, and was there in minutes, and even tried to show the EMT's how to save him, but it was too late. He died in my arms. I know the feeling, am the oldest child. Sometimes we just have to move on, and try to do what our loved ones would have us do. No promises in life, except that we have no promises...just have to learn from our mistakes and move forward. No disrespect to anyone, but thats what I want from my daughters, just love me for whom I was, and don't make the same mistakes I did. Love and live. Keep on keeping on.

hang tough Bro.
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