I'm very sorry for your loss and my sincere sympathy and prayers are with you. I haven't experienced the same loss, so i can only offer my sympathy. I don't think there is anything harder to bear than the loss of a child.
Nature/God makes the bond between mother and child so strong, a mother would lay down her life to protect her child. When you lose a child and the bond is broken, it tears the heart.
At least please know you did nothing wrong. We always think we could have done better or chosen another path and things would be different. But we do the best we can, always.
I'm sorry that you've lost your daughter. I think it's totally unrealistic for anyone to be the same or the family to be the same after such an unthinkable event.
I don't know if what I'm about to say will help you or make you think I'm a flake, but on the chance it gives you any comfort it's worth it to me. I was always afraid of death--I was only 19 when my father died at age 47. I still had both sets of grandparents. When his father died, Grandpa said goodbye. I was suddenly wrapped around in a sensation of total love that couldn't be anyone but Grandpa. I got the call telling me he had just died 150 miles away just about the time that wave of love hit me. I haven't been afraid of death since then. Grandpa let me know that who we are and the love we have for people doesn't end with death--which was a pretty good final gift.
there's a psychic streak in my father's side of he family, although mine seems to go more on the tactile/intuitive side. When you think of your daughter with love, she knows it. She still comes around all of you.
I lost my last Grandma in 2008; I was there when she died, at 100+ years old. I've felt her hand on my shoulder when I was in the hospital. I was awake because the fire alarms went off at 3 AM. For her to have had her hand on my shoulder, she'd have had an IV pole sticking through her. I've known that touch my whole life.
As to personality survivng...my son had cooked dinner for us and promised to do the dishes afterward. Then of course he was tired, so I ended up taking care of them although I'm not in good shape physically. He came back downstairs and into the kitchen when I was on the 3rd and final sink of dishes. He just got a drink and started to leave. I was surprised when he turned back and ofered to finish the dishes but didn't stick around. the next morning he told me that he was almost to the stairs when a thought popped in his head "Did you see all the things in the sink you left for your Mother?" Now, he's never called me Mother...but when he asked me if that thought had been from Grandma, I agreed that it was. It was absolutely her phrasing, too.
Or as a deceased friend told my sister-in-law--"I'm just dead. I'm not gone". I had an anniversary card from that friend fall out of my cookbook bookcase a week before out anniversary. She'd been gone for a few years then. We don't turn into angels, but are the people we are on the inside less all the pain and confusion we have to put up with here. If you want to have a mental conversation with her or just to talk to her--she will hear you.
I know that doesn't stop the pain. Grandma had been frightened one afternoon that the reason she was still here on Earth was because she wasn't good enough to get into Heaven. Mother finally eased her mind by telling her that if for some reason Grandma didn't go to Heaven, Mother would find out where she was and would be with her when she died herself. A few nights later, grandma dreamed that she was at a huge party with all the friends and family who had gone before her there. After awhile, she realized that there wasn't anyplace on Earth with such magnificent colors and beauty and that she must be in Heaven. She wasn't real thrilled to wake back up in her worn out body. She died just a few days later, and my mother, sister and I all got a chance to tell her how much we loved her and that it was okay to let go and go back to her party.
Don't worry about anything you wish you'd told her because she does know it.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
I lost my 18 year old daughter June 21st 2009. The past year has been torture. I have five other children and I live in constant fear that I will awaken and find two officers at my door telling me that I have lost another one. The crying has lessened as long as I dont dwell too much on it. But, yes I too, see the accident happening over and over again and wonder what were her last thoughts, did she know how much I loved her and how important she was to so many people. Not a day goes by that I dont think of her, wanting to smell her hair, her skin. She gave the best hugs. I would give anything to have one more day with her but then I know I still wouldnt be satisfied. I still get mad at God at why my daughter had to go, and wish he didnt need her. It is of no comfort to know that she is in a better place because to me the "better"place is with her family. She was such a beautiful and special daughter, her sisters and brothers and friends miss her as well. I wish I could be of some comfort and tell you that time makes things better. Just when I think I am getting "better" I just find that I was just more busy. So keep moving towards something, anything that helps take you away from dwelling on things that we cannot change.
Hello - I am new to this group.......however, I have lost a child. She was 26 weeks invitro, and the Dr.'s did everything they could back then.....took her c-section, and put her on ventilators, monitered her poked and prodded her until the Dr. came to us and said, this is not working. I had to let her go. It was THE hardest thing I EVER had to do. She was my first child. That was August 4, 1991! I lost another at 13 weeks, miss-carriage, and now have a 14 year old who is giving me grief every time I turn around.......I try to remember back how badly it hurt letting go of Tiffany, and the miss-carriage.....when this one says things like I hate you........I don't need you for anything!! Those are stinging words, and they stay with you for a long time.
I don't know if we as Mothers ever recover from a loss of a child, or children? What is normal??
I have never known normal in my life, so I wouldn't be able to tell you......I only know that God IS with me......otherwise I wouldn't be here to withstand the pain. When I get blue...and I still do, (thinking of what she would be like, and the fact that I would have 3 children, not 1)......I know that God is here watching over me, taking my hand step by step.....guiding me through the pit of despair.....I cling to him, I read scripture, I listen to my favorite christian radio station on the radio.....I do what ever I need to because I know that is what he wants for me!!
Hi, I just found this site and read your post "what is normal".
I feel exactly what you are feeling. My 14 yr. old daughter died on July 8, 2008. She was diagnosed with a rare cancer on May 27 just weeks before. She started her first chemo on July 2, and it was too much for her body to handle and she died when her heart stopped due to renal failure, due to chemo, due to cancer. Crazy.....
I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't know if i even believe in God. Thousands of people were praying for her and it didn't do any good. It feels like we are being punished. This world is such a horrible place, how can there be a loving God?
Our children should not go before us. I have 2 sons, who are 7 and 11 yrs old, but alopt of the time I feel I have nothing to give them. The hole she left in my heart is huge! She was my best friend, my shopping buddy, my everything.
I get to watch all her friends grow up and date, drive, get jobs, just all the high school stuff, and I can't stand it.
I think your description of "normal" is well described. My feelings after losing my son and only child July 2009 mirror your "normal". The unending pain and sorrow are a very heavy load for us to carry. The loss of a child wrecks your entire world...every thought, plan, action, lack of action, energy level, emotions, cares, concerns, priorities, strength, clarity, ability to fully enjoy anything!
Nothing is normal again after a child dies. I have come to realize that the "new normal" takes place each day with no script. My best boy died of a brain tumor at age 12 in 1996. He was magical and I have never felt love like that before in my life.......so the "newnormal" is knowing that each day needs to be,and we all need to make the most of what we have....but themost unlikely thing can cause tears and memories and that's OK...it will be a fact of life forever. And yet I would not take back one moment and still consider myself so blessed that I knew the likes of him.
this brought on so many tears for me a women who lost a baby, had a child with cancer and saw many children pass because of cancer this hit home. I thought I forgot these things i am reminded of how i some of these things everyday and your right they have become normal for me.. but God is good so, ??? thank you for this post. I did the balloons one year too.
You Can't Feel A Thing After Your Chaild Dies When Your Chaild Dies You Die A Long With Your Child And Theres No Coming Back You Stay That Way For A Lot Of Years I Have Lost A Lot Of Family Died And I Wish They Were Here Right Now I Miss Them All Today
For those of us who used to be interested in numerology, I was struck by the day you child passed. 999 is the number of God.. Its as if, God and your baby had become One.
Never having lost a child..I cant imagine the pain. However I have loved my child so, that at times he has hurt my heart greatly, when he lost his way. We are all here for a time, your son's purpose isnt over, because your love is forever. Love never dies, it changes form. I pray you heal soon, so that you can love other children again. All children need love, and you may have to love more children because of this loss... There is a purpose in all that happens in our lives....I pray your strength can grow beyond the pain of your now. God Bless you both
Without the Soul of Christ alive in us...we are nothing but empty shells...
