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Switch to Forum Live View Why do I feel like this...
9 years ago  ::  Dec 27, 2008 - 3:34AM #1
Posts: 1
I lost my mother about 4 months ago, it was so sudden. A year ago I moved from California to Washington, my son had just turned one, the first grand child on mine, and my fiances side. My mother was a bad alcholic and one night she had called and told me she was moving out here t he next day I let her know that she needed to get better before she had come to live with us. We had gotten into a little argument that night, and since she was an alcoholic my first reaction was she was drunk, well she had hung up on me during our phone conversation, and I tried to call back, she didnt answer so I figured she went to sleep, well the next morning I got a phone call from my grandmother telling me that my mom had passed away, I felt horrible and still to this day feel like I made her so depressed because I lived 1300 miles away. Also a month after I had moved my dad brought to her attention that he wanted a divorce. My mom passed of hypertensive heart disease, as I call it died of a BROKEN HEART. Every day I feel so depressed my son is now two and all I want to do is call her and tell her everything he is learning and saying. My dad has been ignoring me, and has another girlfriend. I have no family out here, except for my in laws im only 20 almost 21 and my mother was only 41 when she had passed. Why does it seem so hard on me?
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9 years ago  ::  Dec 27, 2008 - 9:56AM #2
Posts: 5,799
Ashleigh -

It feels so hard on you because because you have a conscience and because you love. This is the price we pay for having a conscience and for loving -- the alternative is to become a sociopath and calloused jerk. I don't consider that much of an alternative, do you? I'll pay my pound of flesh, I'll take the pain.

It also feels hard on you because grief is normal, natural, organic process -- one that can take a year or even up to 5 years to work itself out. You cannot prevent it, you cannot find a short-cut, there is no cure - it will happen all on its own... If you try to suppress it or avoid it, you may cause years and years of complications... My suggestion is that you go to library and look in the psychology section (not the self-help section) for a couple of good books on "Grief". So that you can have some understanding of what is happening and what will happen to you, so you can work with the process and avoid complications.

Still, there are some things I can tell you;

One of those things is, you cannot blame yourself for your mother's death. There were dozens of factors that lead to her death at so young an age. Few of which you could have done anything about...

Secondly, your grief will get better, it will get easier. You will find a way to live a happy and normal life again. Not exactly like before, but you will be happy and normal again.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, I really am. It's extremely tough to lose your parents at so young an age. My spouse lost her Mother when she was only 20 and her father when she was 30. She's 40 now, and although she is a happy person and has a normal life, she still has moments of blinding grief -- like on Mother's Day, or her Mom's birthday. She misses her Dad, on occasion too. But what helps with that, is that she currently has a very close father-figure in her life...

I'm rambling, so I'll close. But if you want to talk some more, I'm listening. You can either post here, or tap into my profile and send an email.
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9 years ago  ::  Dec 28, 2008 - 4:51AM #3
Posts: 715
Dear Ashleigh,

I am sorry you lost your mom, but there is an easy solution here.

Any time you talk to your mom, she will hear you. My mom got fed up of me talking to her, and when she got the chance asked me to pipe down. So just tell her how you feel, and then move on. She will.
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9 years ago  ::  Dec 28, 2008 - 10:57AM #4
Posts: 3,329
Dear Ashliegh,
  I can understand how you are feeling so much. When I got married the first time, my father was so sick he couldn't even make it to the wedding rehearsal. I was moving about 500 miles away. The day after I got to Chicago, my sister called me from the airport to tell me Daddy was in the hospital with his 3rd heart attack and that we had both been forbidden to come back home because the shock of knowing we'd been called back would cause another heart attack. I was married 1-5-74; my father died 4-16-74, just two weeks after his 47th birthday.
It was bad enough him being in the hospital again, and even then it was my fault because he hadn't gone to the hospital when he ws supposed to. When that marriage broke up just a little over a year, the thought that he had killed himself--and for what? became overpowering.
   About 1 week before the wedding, I went to the dentist and my father was across the hall at our doctor. I asked him what the doctor had told him, and he stood outside that door and LIED. To me. To Mother. To ALL of us. he said "The doctor said my heart is down and I'm improving". Unfortunately, an 18 year old about to be married never thinks of checking with the doctor to see if that was the truth. (It wasn't. What the doctor told him was this."Go home and get your things together and have J> meet you at the hospital because you are about to have a heart attack." Bit of a difference, isn't it?
  Do you want to know what my number 1 consolation was when my marriage blew up in my dumb do you need to be to have your husband's mistress staying with you? My sister came home from Hawaii and we had that last Christmas together. The very last time I talked to him he was calling to let me know I was going to be an aunt and he died 4 days later.
  After the massive damage from his 3rd heart attack, every minute was borrowed time. A lot of our friends lived in the different suburbs and it wasn't uncommon for us to spend the night with them...and my mother and friends had all those phone numbers so that we could be reached. And after a long time of hating myself for his death, I learned that it wasn't mainly my wedding that made him wait. He was a Federal employee, and he had used up every vacation day, sick leave, personal days, and one other hours off he had for that year. He knew that if  her could just make it to Jan. 1st, he's have a whole new year to draw on because he was terrified of losing his job. He might not have been an alcoholic, but he'd had 2 previous heart attacks plus damage done to his heart by having rheumatic fever as a child and he bet he could still beat the odds. And we all lost.
   I'm glad that you have found beliefnet. I can tell you that you don't have to feel isolated and alone anymore. These forums are full of warm, supportive, caring people and the friends that I have made here have made a huge difference in my life. The closest family I have is 365 miles away (I know that as far away as you are makes that not seem to count!) I would say if anything besides the alcohol was the final straw it was your father telling her he wanted a divorce just as she was coping with you being gone. I imagine that she thought he'd give her at least some moral support just then, but I would think he had his own escape plan completely worked up. He didn't do it as long as you were there because he didn't want to see the way you would look at him for betraying her.
  Don't give yourself a time limit on grief; it can't be something we can schedule, after all. "Tuesday, 1 PM -2-PM--GRIEVE". Especially since you have a toddler to chase after. You can tell your child and future children stories about the good parts of their Grandma--that's what I've done with my son. In some ways being far away can help because it lends a little distance for you from the things that you would rather not dwell on about what the alcoholism had turned her into.
  There are several grief forums here, but you can go to as many places there are hear the might help. There are talk areas with people who are close to you in age; and I have seen one thing happen over and over again at beliefnet--and I include myself--that just when you reach the part of feeling isolated or like no one has a clue to how you feel inside, you decide to check out Beliefnet and I've never been sorry that I did find people here. They had some of the same physical problems that I have and it was so wonderful to find people who really knew what I felt like it was a blessing!
  I'm sorry that you lost your mother and that she had lost herself in alcohol, too. But as soon as she died, that addiction would have disappeared and left the good parts and bright spots shine through. Maybe that was her good-bye call. I wouldn't be surprised if she does hang around you from time to time. Love survives, honey. And your true Mother, free of all the crap that can warp our lives here, is not mad at you for anything and loves you, your husband, you child, and even your in-laws for being there for you. I think that they just don't love you because you are their son's wife and the mother of their grandchild--I get a very strong feeling that they love you for yourself, too.Just let them be there for you. As the mother of a son who is about to become engaged, I can honestly say the first time she asked me for help made me happy because I knew that she trusted me enough to come through for her.
  Enjoy the feel of those little arms around your neck; they grow so fast! My real mind-blower was last year when my son tried on a suit my husband used to wear for the first few years of our marriage and it fit perfectly. It's really freaky to hug your son in the same suit you used to snuggle up to his father in!
  When you need support, need to vent about your day, or tell us something good has happened, you'll find people here who will be glad that you decided to share it with us. No one is going to pass judgement on you. Sometimes we just need an shoulder or just to connect with another human being so you don't feel alone. I know that it will take time, but I hope you feel relief from at least part  of this. Nothing you've done is wrong. That includes moving wherever you have to to find work in this economy...Welcome aboard , dear.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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9 years ago  ::  Jan 01, 2009 - 11:01AM #5
Posts: 1,165
As adult children we will live our lives according to our own circumstances.  When parents do not or can not deal with the actions of their children, it is upon them to deal with it. 

You are living life as you see fit.  The pain of guilt is just a part of your grieving process.  Release it to the universe and move on.  This too will pass in the fullness of your grief process.
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9 years ago  ::  Jan 01, 2009 - 11:01AM #6
Posts: 1,165
As adult children we will live our lives according to our own circumstances.  When parents do not or can not deal with the actions of their children, it is upon them to deal with it. 

You are living life as you see fit.  The pain of guilt is just a part of your grieving process.  Release it to the universe and move on.  This too will pass in the fullness of your grief process.
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9 years ago  ::  May 30, 2009 - 2:56AM #7
Posts: 55

I am so sorry for the lost of your mom. But Ashliegh that is not your fault. she was a alcholic.

Don't feel that its your fault because its not yours. If she Alive than she were proud of you very much.

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